Dear Zachary

As I look past on your last four years on this earth with your daddy and I, I can’t help but cry. Not from sadness necessarily, (well a little sadness) but also from joy! You’ve grown into our little man instead of being our “baby”. I’m so proud of the things that you have already learned and accomplished! Just within this last year you’ve done so much.

Your first day of pre-school. How proud you were of going to school and being able to be there without Mommy and Daddy. I looked around the room on that first day and saw so many other children clinging, sobbing on their mommy’s or daddy’s pant leg. Yet, off you ran. It made me a little sad. Things were changing. You didn’t need me anymore. But truth is, you did need me. You needed me to allow you to be independent and become your own person yet guide you and mold you into a good person. On the way home, I thought about it and realized that I’m sooo glad you didn’t cling to me. Because it meant that you were secure in the fact that we would be back to get you. Mommy ALWAYS comes back.

You also saw your first day of full-fledge daycare. That scared me. I didn’t want to have someone besides your daddy and me to have influence over you…and maybe, just maybe, to get to know you better than we did. It was a rough few weeks in the beginning considering that you don’t really like change. The other boys didn’t want to allow you into their groups because you were “new”. Yet, now just 6 months later you are friends with everybody. It warms my heart to no end to go and pick you up from preschool and hear everybody in the room say good-bye and at least 2 or 3 of your classmates come running over to give you hugs. It shows me that you are sociable, friendly, and well-adjusted.

We also spent our first summer as a family in our very own home. You loved playing in the kiddie swimming pool and I was definitely one COOL mom when I put the plastic slide in the swimming pool and made a water slide. You got to play on your swingset all year long and I remember you telling me “Thank you SOOO much momma for getting me my swingset. And thank you to Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy too!” I love hearing those words from you. Not because I need the gratification, but because you are growing up appreciating those things that you have and more importantly the people who love you soo much. Over the last year, you have really learned how to express your feelings of gratitude and sympathy and shown that you are a very caring and very sensitive little boy (most of the time! We all have our moments!)

While during the summer, I was the coolest mom ever, during the fall and winter I was “Not your best friend anymore!!!” I thought I would be crushed the first time I heard you say “I hate you” or “you’re not my best friend” and I wasn’t. Do you know why? Because you are not going to like me all the time…but I know that you will always love me, as I love you. We told you “that’s okay, because I don’t need to be your best friend. I do need to be your mom.” You also tried pulling the “well, you can’t come to my party then!” line with us too. That didn’t last long as we explained that unless we were there, there would be no one to pay for the party and therefore no party. You have learned the value of the dollar very quickly, little man!

You learn very quickly. On everything you do. I’m so proud of the fact that you can fully write your name. And yet, I go to school and hear reports that you can’t! Wait a minute, I think, WHY? So your daddy and I discussed the problems with you and come to find out, if you don’t know how to do it, they spend one on one time with you and you adore that. You’ve learned how to manipulate people better than a lot of adults I know! You’ve also tried pulling the “Lucas is setting a bad example” line with me. But as we know, that doesn’t fly! But over the year, you have continually showed your extreme intelligence and fast learning. I was AMAZED the first time I gave you a maze last summer and you looked at it for about 10 seconds and drew a line from the beginning to the end with no mistakes and no instruction. Zachary, you have really developed an aptitude for working out puzzles and problems and I know that that kind of abstract thinking will serve you soooo well in your life.

I know that things have not always been easy this last year. And I know that I have made mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes throughout your life. How do I know? Because I am growing with you. You teach me soo much every single day. Some days I think you teach more than I am teaching you. Having you and raising you has allowed me to grow and become a better mom and person. I love you, Zachary. More than words could ever tell.

Happy 4th Birthday!
I love you.

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

My dad and I have been through a lot together. A lot of heart ache, a lot of stubborn fights, but a lot of joy too.

He was there in the room with me right after I had my first son. Right by my side. He made it home from Oregon with my brother just in time....and knowing my dad drove through the night in order to be there for me.

My dad taught me to be a strong fighter for what I think is right. To stand up for my beliefs. He didn't much like it when I stood up to him though :)

He stood beside me and helped me with my boys when things were rough in my life last fall.

Dad taught me to check my tires and my oil and to drive a stick shift...so that I didn't need to be dependent on a man to do it for me.

And way back when, Dad stood over me and helped me learn to write cursive the year before we learned it in school...and helped me read chapter books. He encouraged that love of learning in me.

I still remember those things. I can never thank you enough for the things you DID do Dad.

I found this picture of me, wearing Dad's shoes. I think I was a bit of a Daddy's girl when I was this little...


I wanted this song as our "Father-Daughter" dance at our wedding. I ended up allowing Dad to make the song decision...but on my Dad's birthday, I'd like to send out this tribute.

I remember daddy's hands
folded silently in prayer.
And reachin' out to hold me,
when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story
in the callous' and lines.
Years of work and worry
had left their mark behind.

I remember daddy's hands
how they held my mama tight.
And patted my back
for something done right.
There are things that I'd forgotten
that I loved about the man.
But I'll always remember
the love in daddy's hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind
when I was cryin'.
Daddy's hands were hard as steel
when I'd done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle
but I've come to understand.
There was always love in daddy's hands.

I remember daddy's hands
workin' 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly
just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over,
I'd live my life again.
And never take for granted
the love in daddy's hands.
~ By Holly Dunn ~

Happy Birthday Lucas!

It's so hard for me to believe that my baby boy has gone from this:



to this:



Today my baby turns 2 years old. Some days it seems like it was just yesterday and some days I can't believe that he's ONLY 2 years old.

He's learned SOOO much within those two years!

*Crawling at about 5 1/2 months.
*Cruising by 6 1/2 months.
*Walking at 9 months.
*Climbing soon after :) My boys are definitely monkeys!
*Talking (maybe a little later than some kids)
*How to tattle on his brother, Zachary
*To blame things on brother, too!
*Learning EVERYTHING about this whole wide world we live in.

He's been talking up a storm for the last two months. Every day he says a new word (or ten!) His latest words are "SHARE!" and "Brother". Lucas, you amaze me every day with the words that you use and the way that you use them! Not many two year olds use pronouns in the correct manner...it astounds me daily to hear you refer to yourself not as "Lucas" but as "I".

There's just something about seeing things for the first time through a child's eyes and watching him learn and explore and do....it's just breathtaking.

So I wish you, my baby boy, continued awe at the world forever. Don't quit exploring. Don't quit learning. And don't ever forget who showed you the world for the first time.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, not many people know this but I turn 29 today!

Happy Happy Birthday to me!

I treated myself to a haircut and perm last weekend for a special birthday treat. It was nice....and I like it, mostly :)

And so we'll see how the rest of the day pans out! But for now, I'm still at work (1:39 am) and when I go home I'll go straight to bed and wake up at 11 am to get the boys and go about my day. I don't have the night off tomorrow (or today rather) so I'm sure it'll be kind of a ho-hum day...but I'm gonna try to make the most of it!

Obesity

On my mom's board this week, there was a "fight club" posting about Obesity and how America is becoming an obese nation. It really irritates me to have people just say "you know what? Don't eat so much" For some, it's just not that easy. When reading this, please be kind. This is information that no one in my life besides my husband really even knows. Maybe I need to get out there and advocate for obese people and let everyone know it's not because we are all lazy.

I'm morbidly obese.

Yep, I said.

I'm 165 lbs overweight. I have battled this my ENTIRE LIFE. Weight Watchers when I was 12, exercise, sports, L A Weight Loss when I was 23 and between all those every freaking diet you can think of, imaginable. Cabbage soup diet, did it. Jello diet? Did that one too...

For some people being overweight is a matter of bad choices and overeating. My husband for example. He eats A LOT at one meal a day. And drank a lot of pop (he's cut that out almost entirely and lost quite a bit of weight).

But being obese for some is also a psycological issue. Everyone has accepted that anorexia is a disease but not obesity. Obesity is really just the opposite of anorexia with a lot of the same psychological issues. Control over your own life? Sure...I can eat that control. Can't control my emotions? Even more food, because I can control that.

Is it my fault that I'm overweight? Yep. But not because I necessarily overeat. Well, at least not all the time. But when I've gone to dr's and TRY to get help...they tell me to stop eating so much...and to not put sugar in my coffee, eat sugar cereals, etc, etc, etc...all things that I don't do anyways. My kids eat incredibly healthy...and yet, I have a weight problem.

When I bring up any shrink visits I've been told that all I need is will power and to not eat so much.

Well...let's see. (insert the skeletens in the closet) I used to hide food. Sneak it out of the garbage if necessary in order to eat things I wasn't "supposed to have". Have a secret little stash in my room in order for my brothers and dad to not make oinking noises when I ate. Oh yea, and my grandma that pretty much told me that I was going to never have a husband, boyfriend, family because I was a fat cow. And on the day that I turn 29, you might ask "do you still do those things?" Yes, I DO!!!! My husband is supportive of me and would NEVER make oinking noises and yet, I still find myself in my kitchen sometimes shoving food in in order for him to not know what I'm eating. Or sitting in the car before coming inside so that I can eat my brownie in peace without having to share it with the boys. Do I do this every day? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I do...and I can guarantee you that I'm not thinking rationally when I do it. And feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Those all sound like psychological issues to me.

I have considered gastric bypass...but the problem I have with that is they STILL DO NOT address the psychological issues. So why should I put myself in a very dangerous situation without attacking the reasons I got so big in the first place? I'm ECSTATIC that insurance covers this though...and I think that it should be covered for certain people.

I DO NOT blame McD's, fast food or anything else. I blame myself...and the medical profession for not treating obesity as a medical/psychological issue. I should also mention that I typically do eat healthy...in fact my triglycerides and blood sugar are perfect...my blood pressure is low...the dr's are amazed at how healthy I am for being so obese. We eat healthy in my house and I DO NOT make eating a real focal point in any way because I don't want my boys to go through what I've gone through my whole life. We do occassionally have baked french fries and chicken nuggets for lunch...but 85-90% of the time we have fresh home made meals including fresh/frozen vegetable (not canned), fresh fruit, whole grains and protein. Oh and no juice. Only milk and water and the occassional sugar free lemonade.

It's a daily battle for me. One that I've cried over many, many, many times because I leave dr offices feeling like a horrible person. Why can't I control this? Why can't I just have will power? I've come to realize though that it is a disease for me and that I do need help.

Easter

Easter was SO much fun this year!!! We went to my parent's and there was none of the stress that I usually feel when going to the in-laws. I always feel like I have to be RIGHT on top of the boys there to make sure that they don't break something, or drip something on the white carpet, etc, etc. So at mom and dad's there is none of those worries. And everyone watches out for the boys.

Saturday afternoon we color Easter eggs...how much fun that was! The boys were so into it...and it really went by way too fast for everyone! I could NOT for the life of me get a picture with BOTH boys in it with their eggs...this was as good as it gets!



Easter morning rolls around and Zachary wakes up asking "Is it Easter Egg day, today?" Yep!!!! So they go out into the hallway where the Easter bunny had laid a trail of eggs. Zachary and Lucas immediately started opening and eating!

We hid 48 eggs in our living room!!! I have no idea how we fit all that many in there but we did. The boys had them all found within an hour too...which surprises me a little because I had to keep prodding them to find more. They kept wanting to play with or eat what was inside. Lucas didn't end up with as much candy in his basket only because he ate almost all of it as he found it!

I made easter candy again this year. Only 4 lbs worth...and considering I made 8 baskets this year...that's pretty good! I love doing Easter candy and it's a tradition that I picked up from my mom and hope to carry on throughout my boys and their kids too. I just think it means so much more getting something homemade and from the heart.

Then onto church where I loved service and the boys played well in the nursery.

Then mom and dad's. Where there were 48 more eggs to be found in their backyard. (12 per kid) And Great Grandma was there as well as Great Aunts and uncles and my nephews and one brother. It was quite and affair but everything was great....and we ate more candy :)





Oh yea, and we spiked their hair with hair wax. The boys thought it was SOOOO cool...I'll have to do it again...but maybe next time I'll wait till their hair is summer cut and a little shorter :)

Sadness and Gladness

I love my boys. Truly and honestly I do. How can you not love this face?

But I keep hearing about all these babies being born (another friend just had another baby...her second. She know has a boy and a girl) and it makes me sad to think I'm not having another one. And that I'll never have a daughter. But at the same time, I'm so glad to be blessed with the two miracles that we have now and at the same time a little relieved that I don't have to deal with the infant stage and waking up every 2 hours anymore, etc, etc. We are just getting to a point where Zachary and Lucas are able to play together and be somewhat sufficient and get a few minutes of peace to ourselves. And I LOVE that!!! But at the same time, it makes me sad. I guess I'm thinking about it more because all my friends seem to be getting preggo and having babies and that my "baby" is about to turn 2 in exactly a week. Where the heck does time go?

Lucas got his head stuck in the fence at daycare last week. Apparently a ball went through the fence, he tried to go after it and he stuck his head through and then couldn't get it out. One of the daycare workers jumped the fence and they ended up pulling his body through in order to get him out *LOL* Ah, the joys of boys!!! They said that I'll have my hands full when he gets a little older....I told them, he's my "easy" child. Zachary was WAY worse than Lucas is as far as getting into (and most of the time, out of) getting in trouble. I don't know whether it's the fact that they are boys, or that they are MY boys, or what...some people say we probably don't discipline enough. But, sometimes I think we are too harsh (and my mom agrees with me). But, boy oh boy they can get into some stuff. I think it's just because they are explorers and puzzle solvers and I don't squash that and their independence. All that will serve them very well later in life...it just makes it very frustrating right now!

We've been spending a ton of time outside since it's been sooo beautiful and it's been so good for everyone! There is kids behind us now and Nathan and Alaina have been coming over almost every night (with their parent's permission of course) so the boys have playmates too. I went and got my hair chopped off and permed on Saturday and when I came home the boys weren't in the house. Chuck said they are out back.

So I went out back and didn't see them.

I called their names....no answer.

Panic sets in....

My neighbor tells me that she saw the boys go over the fence but Daddy knew about it first.

So I talk to Chuck again. Apparently the boys were invited to go on a walk with the back neighbors. I don't know why (as the mom is one of Lucas' daycare teachers) but I was so nervous. I couldn't relax. I didn't know when the would be back and what would happen IF something happened? I guess I should get used to that feeling as the boys get older and go off more and more with friends.

Spring has DEFINITELY arrived!

How do I know?

*I'm taking more pictures! Seems like all my pictures are during the spring, summer and fall.

*I'm outside almost all day long! Whenever I'm not sleeping, cooking (and even sometimes when I am cooking) or working I have been outside with the boys and loving it!
*I'm finding myself less and less on the pc and therefore spending less and less time blogging :(
*My depression has lifted! I'm once again the happy, go-lucky, bubbly person I used to be..well almost anyway!
*The sun is shining here in Michigan and today I went outside without shoes because it was 70 degrees! You can't beat that!
*The boys are waking up from their naps sweating from the warmth in the house!
*I got to go outside at lunchtime tonight at 9:30 pm with NO COAT ON and it was still warm!

Ah, I know I've been absent for a few days but like I said, I've not been inside much. I'm just so dang happy that it's warm and sunny and well, warm!

I've been taking pictures of the boys like crazy.

We went bike riding one Saturday and made it a whole three blocks before Chuck's chain broke on his bike! I took them to feed the ducks at a little park in a nearby town.

I'm just really enjoying being able to be at home with them during the day and spend some quality time with my boys instead of coming home, fixing dinner, giving them baths and putting them to bed. It just seems like now that I have this time with them, I wasn't getting ANY time with them before. And so far, so good. I'm getting enough sleep, having a little free Lisa time during naps, and all is good.

Lucas Michael is talking up a storm. He cracked me up today! Our next door neighbor has a little dog...I have no idea what kind it is but it can't weigh more than 5 lbs. Hairy little thing. Lucas said "CAT momma" and was pointing at the dog. I corrected him by saying "No sweetie, that's not a cat, that a dog." So we were packing into the car to go to daddy's work and switch shifts and when we drove by the neighbors house he said "BYE Cat-Dog!" Awww...too cute!

The only issues we are having right now is Zachary is growing (again!) and the stuttering has come back along with the bad attitude. I wonder why growth spurts make him stutter and be so dang cranky. And...Lucas Michael. He's biting. Twice in two days at daycare! They asked if we were having problems at home with him biting, NOPE! But he has been bitten 4 times in the last month so I'm wondering if he's not getting retaliation. I wouldn't put it past him. So, we had a little discussion about it today. Of course, being the fact he's almost two, I don't think it did any good :)

Until next time.....

Zachary-ism's

Ah, my oldest son has found the joys of worms. Yep, it's been raining her in Michigan quite a bit the last few days (maybe even weeks) and it's warming up which means that the worms are coming out from underground. I have no aversion to worms or creepy crawly things at all...I actually tried to get him intersted last year in them. But, coming home from daycare this morning there were a TON of worms everywhere. Zachary picked them up and tried to bring them in the van. Um, no. Those worms LIVE here at school...you don't want to take them from their mommies and daddies do you?

But upon arriving home, he ran outside and found more worms. And brought them into the house. I shooed him out with the promise that I would take pictures of him and his worms. That made him happy :) It won't be too much longer and I'll be finding worms, snakes, and frogs in his pockets I'm sure!

He's been a riot lately. Almost every day has happened that made me laugh out loud at his words, antics or behavior.

He's been definitely picking up on things that we or his friends at school say. Such as:
*First things first.
*You're not coming to my party because you're not fair!
*You're not my best friend anymore! or the variation: If you do that, you'll be my best friend!

I was working with Lucas the other day to get him to say Thanks after he got something he asked for. I kept saying "Lucas, can you say THANKS?" All to absolutely no avail! Zachary was sitting there and asked "Lucas, can you say Refrigerator?" Chuck and I about died laughing and Lucas did too...although he had no idea why. I explained to Zachary that if I couldn't get him to say a simple word, maybe refrigerator was too much.

He also decided last week to clip his own fingernails. Zachary HATES having me cut them for him..he is a big boy, afterall. Well, needless to say, he clipped a little too short. I was on the phone with an old friend and Zachary said he needed a bandaid (he always needs a bandaid!) So he went into the bathroom and was in the cupboard rummaging around and yelled to me that he needed a smaller bandaid. I was a little confused but he forgot about the bandaid and so did I. Until....I went into the bathroom to go potty and found 5 pantyliners with the backs off lying around...guess he did need a smaller bandaid!

The next day, he decided to cook his own breakfast while I was still sleeping. He had to stay home from daycare since he had thrown up the night before. He had come into my room and asked for a fork for his pie. I thought he meant cake from the night before. So a little while later, I go into the living room and he knew exactly what he had meant. Zachary had gotten two chicken pot pies from the freezer, put them on a paper plate, microwaved them and was eating them and watching Monsters, Inc. when I came in. Well, at least I know my oldest will be very self-sufficient.

He's been a joy lately. I'm glad he's almost 4 and maybe we are past the torrentous threes!

Seven Deadly Sins

So I posted a while ago that I was having anger attacks. I would link to that post but honestly I don't know how!

The sermon last weekend at church was regarding Anger. And how it is one of the seven deadly sins. The sermon was awesome. And 100% totally. hit. home. To the hubby too.

Father Jim used 3 balloons to illustrate his point. One balloon represented taking your anger and giving into it and blowing up. Loudly. Boisterously. Making it known to EVERYONE that you are not happy.

The second balloon represented taking your anger and internalizing it. Keeping it all in. That balloon of anger NEVER goes away. It's always there. Building up and causing resentment.

The third balloon represented forgiveness. And the best way to deal with anger. How the best way to dissolve your anger is to forgive. Forgive the person you think you are angry at, and forgive the situation that created the anger inside of you. But also to forgive yourself.

Here's to more forgiving.

Survey

My mom tagged me in an email to do this little survey and I thought I would post it and let everyone know a little more about me.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Veterinary Assistant
2. Front Desk Manager for Chiropractic office
3. YMCA Ranch counselor
4. LA Weight Loss counselor/manager

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Pretty Woman
2. Dirty Dancing
3. Cocktail
4. 8 Seconds

Four places I have lived:
1. Swartz Creek, MI
2. East Lansing, MI
3. Fenton, MI
4. Grand Ledge, MI

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. CSI: Las Vegas
2. Without a Trace
3. King of Queens
4. Law and Order: SVU

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. London, England
2 Toronto, Ontario
3. Bruce Peninsula/Niagara Falls
4. Florida

Four web sites I visit daily
1. morethanmoms.net/mtm (my mom's board for Michigan...I LOVE IT!)
2. hotmail
3. Yahoo Lansing Moms
4. Any of a number of blogs

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Mexican
2. Cookies (this should be a food group!)
3. Anything lemon
4. Big, juicy, sweet purple grapes

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Home with my boys (instead of working)
2. Ireland
3. In bed (it's 10:20 pm...it's an hour past my bedtime already! *L*)
4. Muskegon visiting our friends having their first baby!

Four favorite things to do:
1. hang out with all my boys and family
2. Scrapbook
3. Read
4. Sleep (among other bedroom activities ;))

And to all of you who read my blog (and I know there's not many!): you've been tagged!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

Quirks

Mine, not the boys'!

I don't know why I've been thinking about this lately but I figured I would blog about it and get it off my mind! I've never considered myself and incredibly quirky person, but the last month or so I keep noticing things that I do that make me wonder "why?". And do I want my kids doing stuff like this? At least it's nothing too terribly weird. At least I don't think so!

* When I get up to shut off the alarm in the morning, I have to lay back down facing the opposite direction from what I was laying when I got up. I actually think about it and make a conscience decision to lay the opposite way.

* I use the 1st, 3rd or 5th bathrooms at work. If one of them are out of order for some reason, I can use the 2nd or 4th one, but it just feels weird!

* Going to sleep, I have to have the blanket between my feet and rub my feet together.

* When Chuck and I actually used to sleep together...my butt always had to touch a piece of his body in order to sleep. It's not so much a big deal now because I'm used to falling asleep without him, but I know when I go back to night and he's in bed first, I'll do it again.

* I eat my food in layers if it's layered. I.E. Twix candy bars. They have to be eaten caramel first, then the cookie bottom. Snickers? Same way. The peanut butter and chocolate Little Debbies? Those are eaten layer for layer until they are gone.

* When I'm very tired or very upset, I still suck my finger. I know, I know...I'm almost 29. But it's a comfort thing. That's why I never pushed Zachary very hard about quitting the binky...I think if you push it it becomes even more of a comfort for the kiddo.

* One that is of particular annoyance to my hubby: When drinking from a 2 liter (yes, I actually drink from a 2 liter on occassion) I press in the sides of the bottle and put the cap back on without pressing them back out. So it's dented in when he goes to get a drink...it drives him nuts. I never knew I did that...but now I make an effort to pop the bottle back out (unless I'm irritated with him! *L*)

Those are the ones that I can think of right now. I'm sure my hubby could list tons more!

Mother/Son dance 2006

Zachary and I went to a Mother/Son dance through our local parks and rec. last Thursday night. We had such an amazing time! First, it was wonderful being able to spend some one-on-one time with Zachary and be able to focus on him alone. I know he's been needing someof that! Second, it was totally his night! We got dressed up and went to the really nice hotel where they were having it. When we walked in the main doors, there is a huge water feature and two glass elevators. Zachary just stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes were as big as saucers. He said "Momma, can we ride those???" So,off we went to check in and get our complimentary picture taken and then back to ride the elevators. We ended up running into another mom/son combo that we go to church with and Zachary and Johnny are friends so we rode the elevator about 10 times with them! The boys thought it was so great being able to go all the way up and still see the water down below.

Zachary and I danced to a couple of slow songs but mostly fast stuff and he was definitely busting a move!!! It was so cute watching him. He got to eat FOUR cookies...which is a very rare treat for him and seemingly one of the highlights of his night.

They played the locomotion at one point during the night and all the boys (and a few moms) got together and pull off a train that circled almost the whole banquet room. I stood there and watched him do this and seriously almost started crying. I can't believe how big my little boy has gotten...and it felt like just a small step till I see him doing that at his wedding in full tux with his new bride all in white. *sigh* They do grow up so fast so I'm so glad that he can look back on his mother/son dance (I plan to make this a yearly event) and have good memories of time with his mom.

Ah, back to the blog

Well, I'm moving to nights. There's lots and lots of reasons why. Financial, family and career oriented reasons. Our goal is to both be on days within the next year. That way when Zachary is ready to go into kindergarden we are able to be at home with him in the evenings.
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Zachary is becoming more and more outspoken and mouthy. My mom laughs at me because some of the things he's saying are EXACTLY what I said to her. But like I tried to explain I was saying them at 11, not 3 1/2!!!!

I swatted his hand the other day for grabbing something he wasn't supposed to be getting. His response was "That didn't hurt!" I remember saying that to my mom. Several times. I guess you reap what you sew!

Last night I asked him to do something and he ignored me and stuck his tongue out at me. He hasn't done that ever. So I told him that he would not be getting his after school treat. Then he tried to back peddle what happened. Him: "But I had a bug in my mouth." Me: "Zachary, there was no bug in your mouth. I do not like liers." Him: "Well, there was a bug outside and I was sticking my tongue out at him and blah, blah, blah." Yes, my 3 year old son actually said blah, blah, blah. I really had to watch myself to keep from laughing about that because honestly I say that all the time. But this lying thing is getting worse. I guess some people would say that he has a very good imagination. However, I do not want that imagination to get out of hand.
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And wow....the blaming is starting already. Lucas can't even say Zachary yet but he definitely gets his point across that it was his brother and not him that did something. It usually goes something like this:

*CRASH!*

Zachary: Lucas did it!

Lucas: Runs to me, grunting and pointing in Zachary's direction. Usually crying.

In these instances, they usually both get in trouble because typically one of them did something to the other and the other retaliated. Both do something they know they aren't supposed to do. I hope that when they get older they get smarter about this like my brothers and I and cover each others back and then hold it against the other one as blackmail for future use! *LOL*
****************************************************

Have you ever looked at your kids and the traits that they are exhibiting and wonder what they are going to be like when they are pre-teens, teens, and young adults? I've thought about this...and we see it whenever the boys are playing and playing with the things that they choose to play with.

Zachary is our artist. He loves to paint and create. Do crafts with me. He's still an incredibly active and agile boy and loves to get dirty, but is usually creating something in the dirt or sand or on the concrete. He's so sensitive and empathic. I see him being very much like my younger brother and I. We were always the people that everyone went to with problems. Because we were empathic and tried our hardest to help everyone. Like this morning, I was coughing. Nothing big. Zachary was very concerned and asked "are you okay mommy? Are you sure?"

Lucas is our jock. He's active and agile and all out daredevil. He loves to throw balls, hit balls, kick balls, and try to make baskets. Anything that has to do with sports he loves. He hates to sit and try to color or draw or create things. That's boring for him....give him a ball and he'll play for hours.

Now obviously we are going to encourage the boys to try everything. Get to know exactly what you like. We do not plan on ever telling them no you can't do that...because that's not your "thing" but it's interesting to see how brothers can be so different.

The Good Ole Days

For some reason, I was incredibly nostalgic yesterday. To the point of sadness really. I don't know what caused this sudden burst of nostalgia. It could have been going through my college alma mater town last night. It could have been the fact I just had a really bad day and was wishing for simpler times when I had no bills to pay, no worries in the world except which bar I was going to for the weekend and if my friends were mad at me. It could have been seeing pictures of my friend's daughter's dance costume. What was I thinking about?

I was remembering the times I was in dance class until I was 13. And how on every Monday in the 10 minutes between classes, me and Sarah and a couple of other girls would run downstairs to Luea's Pharmacy and get a treat. Sometimes it was a 10 cent sucker, sometimes a candybar or a pop. But you could always hear one of the other classes going on upstairs. The tap-tap-tapping of the tapshoes. I miss dancing.

I was remembering college. How carefree it was. How my friends and I all lived within steps of each other since we all lived within four rooms of each other in the dorm. I remember the first time Chuck told me he loved me and how I ran across the hall in tears (he told me on the phone) to Heather's room where everyone was watching ER and said "He said IT!" and all my friend's where so happy for me.

I was remembering what it was like to just have one child. We (meaning Zachary, Lucas and I) went to a birthday party last night for a 2 year old at Ceasarland. Holy Moly! Trying to chase both of them by myself was insane! And there were all the mom's talking about being tired chasing one! Ah, they'll learn what it's like to be going in two different directions at all times. Plus, Lucas was being so incredibly whiny last night. I think he's hitting into his terrible two's. Yipee. (insert deep sarcasm)

Ah, the simpler times. And yet, I love my life as it is now. Just wish it were simpler sometimes!

I was reprimanded yesterday for internet usage at work. But just not the fact I have been checking my blogs. Apparantly, they are saying that I have viewed sexual material. I can honestly say I have NEVER viewed sexual material at work. I was kind of offended by the suggestion. But no one wants to find out what sites I viewed because that could get other dept's and areas involved. So now I feel like I've been dubbed a pervert by everyone. It just irritates me that I've been singled out when two of my co-workers spend just as much if not more time on the internet as I do. And considering I don't take my breaks or lunch, I feel that I'm justified for taking some time out during my day to take a mental break. But not now ;(

Chuck was offered a job last night. After receiving notice that he didn't get the other day job, they've found a different one for him on days and are offering it to him without even posting it. Chuck is incredibly upset for the way they are "manipulating" us. And of course, his sense of fairness comes out because he's being offered the position around the typical UAW rules and regulations of offering jobs. The State can do this when they want to. But have the need to move, and oops, sorry can't do anything. But why would they just offer him a position? Because they want me on nights and they have to move him off of nights in order for me to be the lead worker. Chuck and I discussed this a little bit last night. Wondering what exactly to do. And as much as I hate us being on opposite shifts and having them move us around like they are trying to do, the extra $300-$400 a month would be so handy right now. I'm so behind in bills and it is frustrating and stressful. I think there are other jobs opening up that are promotions for me soon, so I may just take the lead worker and then in 6-8 months move to a higher level position with more money again. At least it will get me out of downtown where everyone thinks I'm a pervert. I just never have felt like I really fit in over there. Ah, the decisions that have to be made! This would be a big shift for the boys. They will love seeing their daddy every night...I'm a *little* worried at how he's going to do for the 2 or 3 hours that he has them alone but the meds have been helping wonders and so hopefully things will be okay. Plus, he'll be getting his sleep still and that's a big contributor to his mood. It also means pulling the boys out of their current daycare and finding another daycare that charges for half days. Our current daycare is pay full price no matter what. I really like Zachary being in preschool...but not enough to be paying $400 a month for it. I just hope if we do make the switches it's not too difficult on the boys.

Random Blather

Well, Chuck got the letter yesterday that he did not get the job on days. So that also means I didn't get the promotion onto nights. Ah, well, I know that there is a master plan that I may not be aware of so that must mean that something better is out there waiting for both of us. We'll see. But he did stay home from work last night and it was SOO wonderful having him around in the evening and helping with the boys and doing the dishes when I gave the boys their bath. *sigh* Someday we'll be a family during the week. Somedays I really wish I didn't have to work. That I could stay home with the boys and do crafts and take naps with them, and clean the house for my husband. Then they act like crazy monkeys (like they did last night) and I'm kinda glad that I get to escape for a little while and go to work. But I can't always dodge the guilt. And it's been almost 4 years since I had Zachary and started working again. I guess that mommy guilt never completely goes away.

I caved. I know. I'm horrible. Ash Wednesday I stated I was giving up pop and sweets. And I thought it was ambitious. And it was. I couldn't handle it anymore. So I decided I will give up the pop and work on healthier eating but not necessarily cutting out all sweets. Just eating them when I feel the need to eat them and not eat them at any other time. I feel like if I deny myself certain things I end up craving them beyond all belief. So I figured that if I decided to just eat healthy, then sometimes I can have a cupcake after dinner if I haven't indulged the rest of the day. So we'll see how that goes. As of last weekend, I had lost 2 lbs. So something must be working!

Ash Wednesday

Well, today starts Lent for us Catholics. During Lent, we give up the things that we enjoy the most in order to sacrifice ourselves in the way Jesus sacrificed for us. So I gave up sweets and pop. Ambitious? Definitely. I figured maybe I would try losing some weight during this time as well by eating better. So I packed a pretty healthy lunch and had a small breakfast, am drinking my water, and have had no pop. And I. am. starving! I can eat nothing all day long any other day but the minute I say I'm going to eat healthier, less, or cut something out I have a raging appetite. Some may say I don't really want to lose weight. But I do! I think my mind is all screwed up when it comes to eating. But is that the only thing that is making my tummy grumble and my head hurt? Oh yea, I just absolutely love the no caffeine, no sugar migraines. On top of the period migraines. Just lovely. But I'm not giving up this time. I'm not giving into the freaking headache. I noticed my figure in the window at 3:30 am this morning and disgusted myself. I thought to myself "How can that man, sitting there eating his dinner, find me even remotely attractive?" But he still does. But I bet he'd find me WAY more attractive about 100 lbs lighter!!! So, I'm gonna be more irritable while my body adjusts to these things I'm doing to it. I hate being such a downer! So here's to many more days (46 to be exact) of no sweets, no pop and healthy eating. Hopefully after that 46 days I'll be a lot lighter and be able to keep this up!

The last 10 days????

So where have I been? I've been here. Plugging away at work. Trying desperately to keep my head above water at work and at home. I had my nights interview and Chuck had his days interview. Both went okay...not great but okay. We should hear this week. I've took a break from blogging because I was soooo upset over what happened last weekend and I didn't want that fight with my SIL to consume all my posts. So now I'm over it, and feel like I have more in my life that fighting and dealing with her.

Zachary is suprising me daily with the things that he's learning at preschool. My mom and dad watched him last weekend and Zachary spelled out MOM on his grandma's shirt and said "That spells MOM!" He spent a good portion of last night spelling out the words in the book with me and asking what the letters where if he didn't know and trying to figure out the words. I'm so proud of him! I'm still not very happy with his daycare, however, he's such a routine child I'm afraid of yanking him out right now since our job situation is a little up in the air. It's a very hard adjustment period for him...so while the current "school" isn't making him take naps, they aren't harming him in any way either so we'll just let it ride for a couple of weeks. They are doing a great job getting him to know his letters, numbers and he can count backwards now too!!! That's a new skill! Oh, and on February 25 he learned to SNAP! He's so proud of himself :) Daddy has showed him a couple of times but this weekend it just clicked (pun intended!)

Lucas is saying more words and he says "dede" for Daddy, occassionally which is making daddy happy but still usually calls him Momma! He's turning into such a little man. Chuck went to the store today and got some fruits, veggies and milk. We still buy Vitamin D and Skim milk...one for Lucas and the other for Zachary. Chuck must be very emotional today because he was reminding me that in just a couple of months Lucas will be able to go to skim milk too. He then goes on to tell me that it will be a sad and momentous occassion because while we'll only have to buy one milk, it also means that there are no more babies in the house. I can't believe how grown up my little baby is getting. I went and got his hair cut and they shaved it off! I almost cried. Now, this is no where near his first hair cut, but I've always cut it in a little boy cut. Now it's super short. His soft baby hair is gone!!!! But he does look absolutely adorable with the cut and looks like such a man. I guess it's getting to Chuck too.

I started on an anti-depressant. And I'm pms'ing. Not a good combination. I'm exhausted. But I'm hoping that it will help. Along with taking the anti-anxiety meds when I NEED them. And I can tell when I need them! I can't wait till Spring...I'm so sick of the winter blahs. I want the kids to be able to play outside for more than 5 minutes. I want to see sunshine when I get out of work at night. I want to be able to talk a walk outside during my lunch hours. I want to sit on my deck and watch the birds wake up. *sigh* Only a couple more months.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

I wanted to pay a tribute to mothers, mine in particular, since today is her birthday! My mom is really one of my absolute bestest friends. I know I can always go to her with anything, and always have been able to. Especially during the last 7-8 months, when our lives have been in so much turmoil, she's been there for all of us. Without judging anybody. I can never be more grateful for that. I found this little poem and have kept it for the last year or so, waiting for the moment to use it. I can't think of a better time to post it and remind ourselves of how important mothers are to us...and how important my mom is to me.

YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER
You can only have one Mother
Patient, kind, and true
No other friend in all this world
Will be so true to you
For all her loving kindness
She asks nothing in return
If all the world deserts you
To Mother you can turn.

Many tears you have caused her
When you were sad and ill,
Maybe many sleepless nights
Tho grown, you cause her still,
So every time you leave her
Or when you come, and go,
Give her a kind word and a kiss
'Tis what she craves I know.

You can only have one Mother
No one else can take her place
You can't tell how you'll need her
Till you miss her loving face
Be careful how you answer her
Choose every word you say,
Remember, she's your Mother
Tho now she's old and gray.

You can only have one Mother
Oh, take her to your heart
You cannot tell how soon the time
When you and she must part,
Let her know you love her dearly
Cheer and comfort her each day
You can never get another
When she has passed away

Job Updates

Well, Chuck's interview for his day job is next Friday. My interview for a Night Lead Worker position is next Wednesday? Huh? Wait a minute...I thought we wanted to be on the same shift? Well, yes, we do. But there are so many $$$$ advantages to being on opposite shifts. A raise for me. Saving almost $100 a month by not paying parking and city taxes. Saving money from not having the boys in daycare full time (I would still have them in every morning so that I can sleep a little). But then the big downside is Chuck and I would NEVER see each other but the weekends and the boys are yet again without a "family" 5 days out of the week. There's so many advantages and disadvantages to both and Chuck is being so great about letting me decide what I feel is best for ME as a working mom but it's also hard to decide what's best for the family. The money is so tight right now that I can't put Zachary in the skating lessons like I'd like to (and he'd love to). Having me on nights would help alleviate that. But is it good for anybody's sanity? I just don't know. We'll see who offers us what and see how it all plays out in a couple of weeks I guess.

Can you say ECSTATIC?

Well, I always knew that Lucas would be *slightly* easier to potty train than Zachary because while Zachary didn't mind being wet and poopy all day long every day, Lucas HATED it! With. a. passion. But still, imagine my surprise on Sunday, February 12, 2006 in the evening when Lucas kept going to the bathroom door and lifting up his shirt. He did it a couple of times and then pointed at the light. So I asked, questioningly, "do you have to go potty" to which I got a very emphatic positive head shake. So, we went in there and sat on the potty for a little while and he peed! YESSS! I figured well at least he knows what it's for! Couple of hours later he does the same thing...and goes AGAIN. So apparantly he's not showing the same signs at daycare, but last night he went into the bathroom and went pee and poop on his *own* on the big potty all by himself! And tried to wipe! I am just so surprised. Now granted we are so not pushing it nor are we planning on putting him in trainers anytime soon, but it's a great start that he can kinda tell when he needs to go! Plus, he's got a lot more patience to just sitting than Zachary does. Lucas is 21 months now. Wow.

Valentine's Day was on Tuesday and it was also the day that Lucas learned the word balloon "boon" as he pronounces it and was VERY disappointed than mommy and daddy didn't buy him a balloon through the school like EVERY OTHER parent apparantly did. And Zachary came up to me with the saddest face when I went to get him and he said "Mommy, I didn't get a balloon and everybody else did" I thought he was going to cry. Chuck and I honestly thought about it again and again, but ultimately didn't do it before the deadline. They were $3.50 each as a fundraiser for the Student Council. So that night, I went to Walmart and bought them each 7 latex balloons and had them blown up for the grand old price of 97 CENTS! And they LOVED them...and thanked me again and again. Gotta love the wonders of such cheap toys!

Lucas's sheet from daycare today said "Lucas was being a bully today and wouldn't leave any of the other kids alone. He also has a scratch from one of the babies". I guess tonight we need to make his bedtime a regular bedtime instead of 11 pm. *sigh* But it was very nice to talk to 2 old friends last night, but makes for a hard behavioral day for the boys. That's for dang sure! So...we're off to say good night and watch a little bit of t.v. and hit the hay!

My Valentine's Day Present

I got home to find a dozen yellow, red-tipped roses. I LOVE yellow roses and these were beautiful. Plus, I got a huge size candy bar of Cadbury Fruit and Nut (I fell in love with these when I was preggo in London and no one over here carries them until like a week ago). And I got this homemade card. Now, people probably wonder why I'm posting this when it's kinda personal, but I re-read my blog and I want to keep his words where I can read them when I need to.

The Road Not Taken

Two Roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And look down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Has worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodeen black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence;

Two roads diverged ina wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Leaves of Autumn was a major theme at our wedding. When you think about most people would associate them with an ending, poets often use them to symbolize loss or sorrow, not a beginning. So I will have to remake the symbolism to fit my own need. I like to think that they stand for longevity or in this work by Frost for discovery. Many people at first did not want us to take this path. I am glad I did. I do not regret it. Though sometimes the path is steep and rocky and hard to travel, you came with ma and are there to help me and I you. There are also time when the path is smooth and level and a joy to travel. But always it is marked by "leaves no step had trodden black". I don't know where the path goes or what we'll find at the end but I want to find out with you. So come with me and travel this road marked with leaves beginning to end and we'll see whats around the next bend. I for one am glad I took the road less traveled. Will you trod a few leaves black with me a litle longer? CDL 2/14/06

Along with this card, I got 12 silver oak leaf napkin holders that are beautiful and will match our china pattern wonderfully. I love my husband. I wish he wouldn't have had to work last night.

10 things I LOVE about my husband.

Today is Valentine's Day. I figured what a better day than pay tribute to the man I love. And Why do I love him? Well, there are days I ask myself that very question. But, it always comes back to me.

1. Because he's a great dad. Just look at the love between him and Lucas in this photo that I got completely on accident. He's got a bond with his boys that most dads will never have in their entire life. For that, I LOVE him.

2. Because he loved me when I thought I was completely unloveable. When I thought, "OMG, why would anyone find me attractive?" I laid on his bed, naked no less, and he told me I was the most beautiful and sexiest woman he'd ever seen. And said it like he meant it...not like he said it just to get laid. For making me feel so special, I love him.

3. Because he is a sentimental sap. For Valentine's Day a few years ago he completely blew me away with champagne, fire in the fireplace, little thoughtful gifts, rose petals on the bed, a cd just for me and a hot bath....along with making dinner. On Sept 13, 2002, he gave me a card that said "One year ago today, you gave me a son. Thank you" That was one year to the day that I took the pregnancy test and realized I was pregnant with our first child. For him remembering little dates like that and taking the time to make those dates special for me, I love him.

4. Because he always tries to make things better for me. When I'm sad, he tries to make me laugh. When I'm mad, he tries to make me laugh. Actually, I guess he tries to make me laugh a lot. And sometimes, he's succeeds and sometimes I just want him to shut up and let me cry. But it means a lot to me that he cares so much that he TRIES to make me feel better. For that I love him.

5. Because he's sacrificed for our family. He hates his job. He hates seeing dr's and medicine. And yet, he does it because he knows its best for me and the boys. He would so rather be working at St. Vincent's and yet he couldn't make the money we needed, so he quit a job he loved in order to give the family the things we need. For that I love him.

6. Because he helps me keep grounded. He makes me see things realistically and keeps me from blowing up at stupid insensitive relatives. He's taught me some culture (ballet in London, anyone?). And yet, he still allows me to be myself and sit in front of sitcoms and veg when I want to and not force me to watch the History channel. For that, I love him.

7. Because he realizes how important it is for me to have me time. And that even though I sometimes forget that that also means that he needs HIM time, he still makes me go out with the girls, go get my hair done, go shopping by myself so that I can be alone. I love that he wants me to maintain my own personality and not be just mom and wife, but Lisa.

8. Because he is the best lover EVER. Honestly. There are wild nights and tender nights and yet I always know that he's there completely for me. I have never in my life felt more fulfilled after a good night of Chuck sex. Wow. Nuff said.

9. Because he's not a typical man. He cleans the house. He washes the dishes (WAY more often than I do). He has a hot dinner on the table every night when me and the boys get home. And it's usually WAY better than I could have cooked. He does the laundry and actually PUTS it away. And I don't say enough how MUCH I appreciate all that he does for us...and have the tendency to pick out the things that he DOESN'T do, instead of the things he does. And yet, he still plugs away and does them anyway. For that, I love him.

10. Because he completes me. I can never love him enough for that.

Thank you for loving me back. For all my short comings too. I know things are not always easy, and the road that we travel is very often rocky, but I love you dearly. I know that won't change and it will carry us through. I'm sorry that I don't tell you enough exactly how special you are to me.

Boobies!

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/players/specialedition/couples2/kim.shtml

Check out Kim. She was on the show the Biggest Loser (which is such an incredibly inspirational show). I was flipping channels with Zachary the other night when I saw this was on. They were doing a final weigh in with Kim when Zachary tells me that I look EXACTLY like her. Okay, let's re-cap. She's about 150 lbs lighter than I am. She's a redhead. I just don't see it but then they say kids can see things sometimes adults can't. Then, Zachary states this:

But her boobs are A LOT smaller than yours, mommy. *looks at my chest* Yep, your boobs are a lot bigger than her boobs.

Ah, the inflictions of a 3 year old boob man!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

I just found out that my hubby has an interview for a DAY job. IF he gets this job, it will be the first time in almost 4 years that we've worked the same shift!!! We could actually have a normal life and the boys would be able to see their daddy every night, and I wouldn't have to have a babysitter to go out with the girls! And daddy could go out with the boys at night if he wanted...we could actually have sex EVERY NIGHT if we wanted! Which I think I will for the first 2 months if he gets this job!

More info later!

Last Night

I had a mommy's night out. YAY!

Do you know I went on a mommy's night out about 3 weeks ago and before that it had been literally MONTHS and MONTHS since I had gone out by myself without Chuck or the boys to do anything?

So, I'm feeling like socializing more. And realizing that maybe having a little fun myself and meeting some other mommy friends and being able to relate to others will help me be a better mommy and wife.

I was well on my way to being a better wife last night (too damn bad hubby works nights!) as a friend and I went to Ladies Night at Deja Vu (local strip club). The radio station was doing a remote there and they had all kinds of free giveaways, demonstrations, new products, huge sales, and refreshments. There were a TON of women there from all walks of life and only one gross, ucky dirty old pervert who kept playing with all the "toys" and made me wanna puke. But otherwise it was so much fun. I got two bags of free things and had tons of fun talking to Amanda and looking at stuff. So, after picking up the boys from my brothers and having them fall asleep on the way home I was ready to go....with no hubby. I'll be happy when we work a normal schedule.

I'm also looking forward to another mommy's night out!

Vocabularies

Chuck and I were talking last night (well, actually at about 3:30 am this morning when he got home...I am EXHAUSTED this morning!) about how Zachary's vocabularly is going to a new level. Chuck referred to it as "daddisms". He starting to pick up on things that we say all the time. Examples:

Daddy: Hey, how'd school go today?
Z: Cool, DUDE!


Mommy: You need to eat some green beans, please.
Z: Well, FINE!


Mommy: Zachary, I don't feel like playing that right now.
Z: Well, just DEAL WITH IT!


Z: Oh crap! I forgot to drink my milk. (Okay, so that one is totally my fault. I guess crap is better than some of the other things he could be saying!)

Yea, so his 3 year old attitude is getting worse, however, some of the way he says things and the hands on the hips or the tilt of his head just crack me up. I've had to step into another room just so I don't laugh in front of him before coming back in and telling him we don't talk to adults like that....or friends for that matter.

He also told me just the other day that he's getting older. Yes, you are I told him. He then informed me that when he was 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 counted out on his fingers) he would be all grown up. I told him I thought maybe he should wait for a few more years after that before he decided to be grown up. Nope, 5 is the magic number.

Lucas's words are growing every day too! Unless, of course, you want him to repeat a new word. Yesterday, I told the boys it was cold outside. Lucas repeated "cold". Zachary (who is SOOO excited that Lucas is starting to talk a little) said "WHAT did he say? Did he say cold?" I asked Lucas to say it again. He promptly told me "NO". Well, at least we have that word down. He can also say Bye (buh) now as well as hat, coat and he tries to say scarf. Couple more months and the boy will be speaking in sentences!

My personality...pretty much.

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attentionIn fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on youYou need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivialAnd it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energyYou posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to defineA natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally! Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I love bedtimes.

And not just because it means that I get some rest...and the house is quiet. However, that's always a nice perk as well. But more because it's during this time that the boys become my cuddle monsters. We have a routine every night for settling down: bathtime, jammies, rocking together and watching about 30 minutes of American Idol, Skating with the Stars or a movie, turn off the t.v. and read a book or two and rock some more, then lay down together and sing a song. Zachary usually requests "Hush Little Baby First" but then ALWAYS requests "Rocket Racer" after that. When Lucas was an infant that song was a surefire way to put him to sleep. I've never found a sweeter, more appropriate lullaby for my two little boys.

Rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little men
Sweet dreams, little men
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little men
Sweet dreams, little men
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

(Dixie Chicks, Godspeed)

The other nighttime ritual that Zachary and I used to have is kisses. Now, we'll still give each other kisses every night, but when Lucas was born and I was working on Zachary sleeping in his big boy bed we had a special good night kiss which was lip kisses, eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses every night. Somehow we've gotten away from that over the last year or so. I don't know why...maybe because it was something between just the two of us and now Lucas is right there too. Why mention all of this now? This morning, out of nowhere, Zachary gives me lip kisses, eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses. My heart soared. There's nothing more precious in this world than holding your child and having him express his feelings of love to you.

Odds and Ends

First, I HATE seeing my boys in pain. And Zachary is in a lot of pain today. It actually started about 1:30 am with the crying and sobbing that his ear hurt. Every mom knows exactly what that is at 1:30 am and so I gave him some pain killer with the thought that I would call his Dr. first thing in the morning for an appt. Well, needless to say, he didn't sleep much or very well after that. Took him to the dr at noon, and sure enough it's an ear infection. No big deal, right? Well, apparently its a rare form of infection that causes a BLISTER on the ear drum and is incredibly painful. She said he was the sickest boy she'd seen all morning. He even turned down the GIGANTIC (I'm talking as big as a salad plate!) cookie saying he just wanted to save it for later. Now, that's one sick little boy! So he has antibiotic and pain killing ear drops that should help better than the tylenol. Poor little guy.

Second, I went to see my dr this morning and learned I had GAINED 5 lbs. I about started crying...I gave up Mt. Dew, have been eating better, and walking and I've gained? I honestly feel like I'm never gonna be rid of this monkey on my back. However, the doc did tell me that I was likely having anxiety/anger attacks and prescribed some stuff along with keeping with my stress relieving exercises. So we'll see. I just want to go back to a happy, go-lucky mommy!

Third...kids say the darndest things! Actual conversation that I had last night with Zachary.

Me: It's going to be bathtime soon.
Z: Nah, let's just skip bath tonight.
Me: Um, no. You guys are all grubby from your ice cream cones.
Z: *licking his hands* Not anymore. I'm getting all cleaned up now.

*LOL* That's my boy. Always trying to find a way around something!

Lucas Michael has attached himself to this big dog that his Grandma and Grandpa L got him for his birth. It's huge...about as big as he is. Well, he carries it around the house, rides it, races it against his brother's big dog, and sleeps with it. It's so cute seeing him pull this gigantic dog onto his chest and give his nose kisses. And then he asks me to give the dog's nose kisses. Then tells me "dog" (Yea! Another new word! Along with "ruff!") and wants me to pet the dog to sleep. Most kids have small security blankets or animals. Not my boy. He's got a dog as big as he is!

Mysterious Ways

We went to church this weekend. It's been a few weekends since we've been, mostly because we've been out of town almost every weekend for holidays or post-holiday functions. However, I love going to church. I can almost always find something within the sermon that pertains very specifically to my life. I was not disappointed.

God works in very mysterious ways. Hot on the heels of my post regarding anxiety/anger attacks and possible depression, Sunday's sermon was regarding anxiety and stress. Deacon Andy broke down all the stresses/anxieties we have in our lives and according to surveys/studies only 8% of anxiety is warranted. 8%. He concluded with the message of offer up all your anxiety to the Lord and rely on him to help. I prayed about that during our quiet time after Communion. And he's right. I only need to trust and have faith that God has a plan for me and to try to work towards that plan.

I am also trying to figure out our current daycare/work arrangements. I'm concerned about the boys in the current daycare and then there's a position that opened up on days for Chuck and on nights, again, for me. What to do? I've been stressing about the right decision for the family. One of the lines in our hymns this weekend was "Don't be afraid. I will always go before you." I felt that message go straight to my heart.

Now we come to the other message that goes straight to my heart, everytime single time I go to church. And that is that these deep seeded feelings that we're not done having children. I don't know whether it's my desire to have a little girl (and there are TONS of baby girls in church) or that God has a plan for us yet. Chuck and I have decided that we were through having children. But we both would love a little girl; however, there are so many factors. Like our sanity. Like having children is expensive. Like we don't have enough room for another child in our home. Like our sanity (I know I already mentioned that, but it's worth repeating!) There's days when we both have our hands so full with the two boys that I am wondering how we can handle them. Who thought that we were ready for these two children? And yet, there is that feeling I have when I walk into the church. (Chuck says we should just stop going to church so I'll stop having these feelings :)) I have baby pains sometimes, where I'm holding a baby and think I like this. I want to do this again. But it's nothing compared to the knowledge I have when within the house of God that I'm not done.

Anger Attacks

First of all, my jeans that *just* came out of the dryer (so you know that means that are a little tighter than usual) are LOOSE on me! Well, not like drop off my butt loose, but way looser than what they were last Friday when I wore them for casual Fridays at work! Yipee, Hooray, and Yay! It's a step in the right direction anyway!

Secondly, I've been having problems with my anger for oh, about 3 years now. Since after having post partum depression with Zachary's birth. I have been directing my anger mostly towards my husband, and oh so sadly, the boys. Even for the smallest digression, on bad days I can blow up and cannot seem to control that. Then after I come down (usually about 2 hours later) I am wracked with guilt and remorse for being so hard on them and being such a, well, bitch. I had a friend tell me that it sounded like I was having anxiety attacks because I can feel it coming on, and is usually accompanied with stressful events, like what happened yesterday, but I'll talk about that in a moment. Anyway, after this happened AGAIN last night (after trying to calm down and take deep breaths and listening to calming music on the way home) I decided to get on the internet (dangerous stuff) and look at what anxiety attacks are about. That's when I found out about a sister to the anxiety attacks...the Anger Attacks.

Anger Attacks
*Irritable feelings in past 6 months (check)
*Angry overreaction to small irritations (check)
*1 or more anger attacks experienced in past month (double check)
*Inappropriate anger directed towards others (check)
*The occurrence of at least 4 of the following --
-heart pounding, racing (check)
-chest pains
-sweating
-shaking, trembling (check...my whole body tenses up and my insides shake)
-shortness of breath (check)
-dizziness, lightheadedness
-tingling, itching skin (tingling, check)
-fear of losing control (check)
-intense fear, anxiety (check)
-cold or hot flashes
-feeling like attacking others (check)
-attacking others (physically, verbally) (embarrassed check)
-throwing, destroying objects

I also found out that it's a sign or byproduct of unipolar depression. And low and behold, my birth control that I just started on can cause depression or worsen it with those people who already have it. Now, I typically don't feel depressed, but things have been overwhelming me this month. So I guess it comes and goes. Last month was good...the month before not so good, the month before that horrible. But, a lot has been going on in my life during those months so I thought nothing of it. So I'm going to call the dr. and make an appt and see if they can figure something out for me. I really would like to get back to being a happy, go-lucky, outgoing Lisa again. And I'm sure the boys and my hubby would as well.

Now, as to what triggered my problem even more. When picking up the boys at daycare yesterday, the Asst Director approached me regarding Zachary. Apparently, there were two parents that approached her yesterday regarding my oldest's behavior. First, there is a girl who is terrified of Zachary. She is a little timid and shy, and he is very gregarious and well, in your face, literally and figuratively. The second girl, he apparently punched in the neck. No one saw the incident and no one knows exactly what happened, and the girl didn't say anything until that evening to her mother and then according to said mother "she cried ALL NIGHT long because it hurt so bad". So, they are "watching him more closely now". She then goes on to tell me that I need to be on the same page and enforce no hitting rules at home. Um, hello! Do ya think? So, I then asked if they were having any problems with Lucas Michael. She said just that he doesn't talk and it's frustrating for everyone involved and "we can't have this much longer". WHAT??? Can't have the fact that my 21 month old son isn't speaking yet? I informed her that Zachary didn't talk till he was over 2 and he speaks perfectly fine now...but maybe she's concerned that he learned his hitting behavior from not speaking and being frustrated....I don't know. Anyway, she said she's going to work with Lucas more on trying to get him to talk. So I discuss it with Chuck who tells me not to take it personally...she's not trying to call me a bad mom (which I totally feel like she was). Fast forward to this morning. I go in and talk to Zachary's teachers. Tell them that I without a doubt want to know about any disagreements, scuffles, hitting or pushing problems they have with him. I need to know and deal with it at home too. She then tells me that none of the other kids like Zachary or want to play with him because when they say they don't want to play he'll play with them anyway and push himself into their groups. Aren't they supposed to be learning social skills during preschool? Isn't that what we are paying TONS of bucks for? I told her that she needed to be firm with Zachary and let him know that it's not acceptable behavior and that just redirecting him without discussing that that behavior is a problem, will not teach him not to do it again. She then goes on to tell me that his stuttering problem (which I asked them to update me on 3 weeks ago) is getting WORSE. Well, of course it is! He's a sensitive kid who knows that the other kids don't like him and is feeling stressed about it and it's coming out in his stuttering...again! I am very irritated with the school as a whole for such poor communication...and so very very sad that no one likes Zachary.

I know for a fact that Zachary isn't an angel but the threat was there to throw him out of the school/daycare if things don't get better. Well, if no one saw it how do they know what the circumstances were? What if it were an accident? Or she provoked him? Or did he actually hold her down and punch her repeatedly? It all makes a difference as to how I would approach the discipline of it. *sigh* Also, how about working and playing with the kids and showing them how to interact with each other? I don't know what the solution is, but I'm incredibly frustrated by the whole situation. It's hard for me not being able to just "fix" things for my family.

Ah, the little things....

Last night, after bathtime and peanut butter rice krispie treat time, we settled down to watch 10 minutes of t.v. before bedtime. Zachary and I have been watching Skating with Celebrities the last couple of times that we watch "mommy t.v." and Zachary asked for it again last night. He told me that he loves watching it and wants to learn to skate like that. If you ask me, he just wants to be skating with all the pretty women from the show! Anyway, needless to say it wasn't on last night; however, American Idol was. He kept paying close attention to the judges when they were on. He kept saying "you see that girl" and then it would pan away from the judges...he would get upset...it would go back to the judges and he'd start saying it all over again, just to be interrupted as they went back to the contestant. Finally, he got to tell me what he wanted to.
That girl (meaning Paula Abdul) looks just like Miss Kyla (from daycare). I asked him if he liked Miss Kyla (who is about 17 and really cute) and he got all shy and blushed. My 3 1/2 year old boy actually blushed talking about a girl! Anway, he said he does like Miss Kyla because she comes to his school every day and sometimes plays with him, but sometimes just tells his friends not to hit, and she's very pretty. What am I going to have on my hands when he turns 16!!!

To top it all off he's super cute and charming and has the longest eye lashes I've ever seen! Just last night he was sitting on my lap and looks at me with those blue eyes and dark lashes and says "I love you, do you know that?" and this mommy's heart melt. He's getting so big as evidenced by the fact he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore, just his. He still wants me in there with him....but he'll sleep in his own bed, thank you.

People have given me crap about sleeping with the boys and having to lay with them to put them to sleep, but really, I think I love the cuddles and need them just as much as they do. To me, there's nothing better than ending the day with my boys in my arms, telling me without words that I'm their mommy, keeping them safe from the world, from the dark, from any harm. That with me they feel comfortable. How can that be a bad thing? I knew the day would come when Zachary no longer wanted to sleep with us, but I hate seeing my baby boy get big.

Lucas Michael was watching Nemo this morning after waking up about an hour early (during my 45 minutes of peace and quiet before I have to get the boys up *sigh* maybe tomorrow). As he was watching it, I was making lunches in the kitchen. I know this movie by heart, as it used to be Zachary's favorite movie at this age too. There is the part where the fish all scream as the diver's come to take Nemo away and Zachary always used to scream with them. I forgot about that until this morning when Lucas did the same thing. It was like a walk down memory lane. Needless to say, Zachary no longer does that. It's funny to me how the boys can be so different in some ways, but in little ways are so much alike.

On a different topic, I went walking again yesterday. Yep, went last week with some other mommies and then again yesterday. I'll be walking on my own today. I honestly feel great after walking yesterday. Super sore, but I'm getting the hang of it. And then, this morning, I put my sweater on and I swear that's its bigger! I don't know if it's just a matter of my mind wishing it so, or if my eating better and cutting out the Mt. Dew is helping, but I'm happy about it anyways! Next step is to dig the scale out of the garage so I can actually start keeping track and keeping myself motivated.

Baby Words

Oh, how I love the baby words. The misprounounciations of everything and the cute ways they have of saying their own words. And I'm even more ecstatic to hear Lucas Michael pronouncing words especially since a. he has never spoken much and b. I'm so sick to death of hearing my in-laws (mainly SIL) ask if he's talking yet because the nephew is and maybe I should take him to see a speech therapist (grr...). Anyway, last week alone he started saying all kinds of "Lucas words" and I still get giddy with each word. His daycare teacher said he's really been watching her lips whenever she talks or reads to him plus he's been asking to read a billion books a day, so I knew it would be soon that he'd start jabbering (plus he's nearing his second birthday) but I'm still so happy! Chuck says I'm stretching it, but he says the same "word" over and over for the same item. He's just mispronouncing it! Here's his newest words:

ball
ear
eye ("ah")
other eye *LOL* He really does say "otha ah"
nose ("nahs")
ow!
Hello or Hi ("elo")
Jake ("ake")
Nemo ("ema")

He's says ZZZZ for Zachary and still calls Chuck Mama which is funny considering that Daddy was Zachary's very first word. Guess Lucas is a momma's boy!

I'll hang onto the baby words for as long as possible, as long as I know what he's saying. Zachary is losing more and more of his baby words and it's really sad. In some ways it's a daily reminder that their childhood is fleeting.

Weighty Issues

There has been something that has been weighing on my mind very heavily for the last 2 weeks but even more so within the last 2 days. See, while my weight still continues to rise much to my dismay and wondermont, my husband's weight is steadily dropping-dramatically! At the beginning of last year he was squeezing into a size 50 pant, now...just this weekend...he got into a size 44 pant. And I'm sure he's dropped at least one shirt size...although he's still wearing his old ones. He was diagnosed bi-polar last September or so and we went through a rough time of wrong medications...but they've got him on this new medication that causes the takers to lose 2-3 lbs per week (and is working wonderful for as his mood stabilizer). Plus, eating better along with me and the boys and giving up regular Mt. Dew have caused a great weight loss. Don't get me wrong. I'm ECSTATIC that he's getting healthier and losing weight so we have less of a chance of dealing with the diabetes that afflicts his dad...but a part of me, a large part today, is incredibly jealous and down right pissy about it. But, then again, everything is seeming to bother me more this month. But some of it comes from the fact he's been dancing around for two days singing "I'm too sexy for my pants..." and the likes of that. Some of it has been from his comment of "Wow, you HAVE gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time" when I told him I could fit in the same pants he's wearing when I came home from the hospital after having Lucas less than 2 years ago (that wasn't meant to be derogatory and I know that...it's more concern of why my weight has increased so fast...but it still hurts) and some of it comes from hearing him tell his friend on the phone tonight "well, my wife is a lot bigger so it took longer to feel the baby through all those layers" which is the truth but like I said...it still hurts. Some of my jealousy and yes, a little fear, comes from the fact that I'm AFRAID that he's going to get skinny and hot, and leave me for someone smaller. I know that's an irrational fear because he loves me dearly and I know that, but that's where my self-esteems issues come into play I guess. He knows how upset I am by him losing and me NOT and has told me that he'll stop if I want him to be fat :) Which I of course don't. I want him to be healthy....I just wish I was doing as well as he is. I'm starting to think I need his shrink to start slipping me some of those magic pills!!!!!! So that's it. And of course the more upset I get, the more I eat because that's my one comfort item anymore. Some people smoke (gave that up 4 1/2 years ago), some people drink (well sure that sounds good but who can deal with a hangover and two toddlers? Plus, I'm not that big of a drinker) but I eat. So I guess I need to break that cycle first.

New Year's Resolutions....

"There is a skinny woman inside of me, screaming to get out. Fortunately, I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies"--Author Unknown

Well, it's January and someone once said that you have until the end of January to start your resolutions. I have actually already started one but am working on the rest.

1. Lose weight. And I'm not talking just a couple of pounds. My first goal is to lose 32 lbs by my birthday, April 28. I had thought about making it March 18, which is the Mother/Son dance here in my town, but I think that was unrealistic. (I'm well on my way to this goal, evidenced by making chocolate chip cookies with my boys Friday night and eating quite a few. *sigh* I'm having a hard time to say the least, but that's fodder for another post)

2. Give up pop! YAY! I'm well on my way to this goal. I've had about 5 pops since January 1. Kudos to me!

3. Become a more patient mommy. I love my boys beyond belief but I'm not the most patient person in the world. I also want to become more aggressive with people who tick me off so that I'm not so apt to take my frustrations out on the boys.

4. Not let what my SIL and MIL say to me bother me. I get so worked up about how they think I'm a bad mom, that I get short with everyone in my life. I'm trying to be my own judge and not let everyone else judge me first....or at least take it personally.

Well, that about does it. But really that covers a lot of topics! I thought maybe if I posted them than I'd have a more rigid guideline to follow and stay true to. Wish me luck!

Part Two: Ten Things about my Boys

Lucas Michael

1. My baby. He was the easy birth. I actually started contractions at McDonald's while Zachary was playing in the playland. Chuck was angry that I was in McDonald's while I was laboring. I went to the hospital they sent me home and we went to Ponderosa with my mom and dad for dinner and I continued to labor there! The waitress wouldn't wait on our table...I'm sure I was quite a sight. I was having contractions every 2 minutes when we left to go to the hospital. 2 hours later I had Lucas in my arms breastfeeding.

2. He took to breastfeeding like a natural...and ate up! He's still like that. This boy LOVES his food. He's far from being chubby, but he'll easily eat 3-4 pieces of sausage at a sitting. One night he ate two hamburgers...Lucas doesn't mess around when it comes to eating and never has.

3. I LOVE his contagious, infectious smile. And his one dimple on the right side of his cheek. Just like his daddy. Lucas looks so much like his daddy and I love seeing it.

4. Lucas was born with black hair that turned blonde, but has always had blue eyes...until recently where I've noticed he has a line of brown going through one half of one eye. It's the coolest thing in the world.

5. He has a TEMPER! He started throwing tantrums at 6 months old! He loves to throw himself on the floor and start banging his head repeatedly. You'd think he'd learn that it hurts, but he still does it!

6. Lucas has already had two black eyes, but many more scrapes and bruises. He's a little bruiser and LOVES getting into the scrap heap with his brother and older cousins. Nothing holds him down.

7. Daredevil! One word. He loves anything where he can jump, or be thrown, from high places :)

8. Lucas started walking at age 9 months, but still isn't talking much at 20 months. But he's very adept at communicating(he knows some signs) and if you can't figure it out still. He'll just do it himself.

9. He's also a problem solver. It's nothing to find him piling things up or dragging things in from other rooms so that he can climb on them to get what he wants/needs. He's been doing this for months and it's always a source of frustration for me and for him when mommy foils his plans!

10. You can already tell he's going to have a GREAT sense of humor. He loves to laugh and play games and tricks on people and generally mess with people. Like his brother. With Zachary being so anal, Lucas will do things just to get that reaction from Zachary and then laugh like crazy when he does!

There you go...there's my interpretations of my two cutie patooties. I love them more than life itself and cherish every moment that they allow me to hold, cuddle, hug and kiss them. Because I know in a few years, they'll be too old for mom.

Tag...I'm it!

Well, I was tagged by Jenn on the boys' blog to write "Ten Things about my Boys". I decided since some of these things may be my own personal feelings about them I'd write about it here:

Zachary:

1. My first-born. My induced labor child who made me swear I'd never be induced again. I fell in love with him immediately being laid upon my chest, bloody and covered in cheese, yet, blue. I was scared to death that he was dead. Then he wound himself up and started to cry. That's just like Zachary: takes him time to do everything, but when he does he does it with a bang!

2. Zachary started walking at about 10 1/2 months old. Running at 12 months old, climbing before he could walk. He's a problem solver and while that is a frustration to no end, I'm also VERY proud of the fact that he is very independent and thinks things out for himself. He had learned how to push a chair up to the counter and climb onto the counter, get into the cupboards and get his snacks out himself at about 1 year old.

3. I love watching him sleep. He used to use a binky while he was sleeping, but at 3 years old he told me he wanted the binky fairy to take it to his newest baby cousin so he could use them. He is an incredibly thoughtful child, and sometimes just a little too sensitive too...which brings me to:

4. He cries when other kids don't want to play with him. He's typically very good about showing his emotions and he was about 2 1/2 when he went and sat down in the sandbox at the park looking very sad. I wandered over and asked what the problem was....he said he was very sad that the other kids didn't want to play with him, and didn't like him. It broke my heart. How do you explain the meanness of some kids to a little guy who just wants to make everyone happy?

5. Zachary is incredibly opionated and always has been. I guess I've been cursed with a child who is almost exactly like me. We get into so many head on head battles and neither of us want to give in. I know this is not the end of this problem.

6. Routine, routine, routine. This child of mine thrives on routine. I remember one time when a friend was watching him and gave Zachary a bath and Steve turned out the light when they were done. Zachary wasn't talking yet, but he threw the biggest fit for about 1 hour. Steve had no idea what the problem was. But, upon arriving home, we totally knew. Switching the light off is ZACHARY'S job! You cannot do things that aren't your job...or do them out of order. It throws his little world into a tither.

7. He stayed at home with me during the day until he was 2 1/2. I loved and hated being home with him. I suffered from Post Partum depression with Zachary until he was 18 months old and never really connected the way I wanted to with him. We have a GREAT relationship now that I work days and am home every night with him.

8. He looks JUST like me when I was his age....cut off my pigtails and you have Zachary.

9. Zachary loves being a big brother. He has a tendency to try to be the mom/dad to Lucas but he's trying to keep him safe. Just this morning, Zachary leaned down and gave his brother hugs and kisses as we were leaving the house just because. I love seeing them like that.

10. Zachary is a Grandma's boy. He LOVES his Grandma B and I CANNOT do anything when Grandma B is around. Forget that he loves his mommy, mommy who? Grandma's here! But I'm glad that he has that kind of relationship with his grandparents.

I'll blog about Lucas next...so stay tuned!

First post....

Well, I've decided that I'm going to try blogging about myself: as a working mom, as a wife, as a woman, as a friend, and as a daughter. Some days I'm all those things in one, somedays I don't want to be any of them, I just want to be Lisa. But all in all, I love being a mommy to my two wonderful boys, a loving wife to my amazing husband, a friend to many, and a dutiful daughter to the two best parents anybody could have ever asked for. This will be my own personal journey into growth and development and maybe someone can learn something and hopefully I will learn a lot! I'll also be blogging about the boys I'm sure and how they make me feel incompetant sometimes and the best mommy in the world others. Happy Reading!