Great news is abound!

First, we have a babysitter on Saturday night!!! I am so excited! I honestly can't remember the last time Chuck and I went out together. I could probably look back in my posts and figure it out, but if you consider I don't have the patience to search for things, that's not gonna happen. However, it's a new babysitter and I'm starting to have some anxieties about it. She comes highly recommended by a good friend of mine, but I don't have a cell phone so how can she get ahold of me if something happens? And I think we may be leaving Elizabeth with her....she says she babysits another family with three children, one being an infant, and she's perfectly comfortable with it. Doesn't mean I'm necessarily comfortable with it. I'm going to have to let someone watch E at some point though! We're going to see Harry Potter *drool*! I'm so excited to see this movie...and I'm getting the new book Friday night after work! Some days it pays to work until 1 am!!

Second thing: We are finally starting to finish Elizabeth's room! And we got one hell of a deal. After calling the place that was recommended to me and them wanting $500 to $700 to hang one wall of drywall and finish all 4 walls, I thought for sure we were going to have to finish the drywall ourselves. Not my favorite job, particularly. I did it in Zachary and Lucas' room but it took forever. I'd kinda like Elizabeth in her own room sometime sooner than 2 years from now! :p So I called a local guy and he wants $160 plus the cost of drywall and mud!! Sweet! He's starting tomorrow morning. I may be able to paint my little girls room this weekend. I can't wait to set her room up with the little fairies that we have. Shoot, I need to finish her quilt too!!

So much to do, so little time. I feel like I'm running on a high tonight. Maybe I've had too much sugar...or maybe I'm excited things are going the right way for a change.

How can you not love this face?

She's smiling sooo much now and I finally was quick enough to get a shot of it.

And yes, she's wearing a barrette. Her bangs are getting so long they are in her eyes, so I'm trying to find barrettes that actually will stay in her hair! That's proving to be a difficult challenge as her hair is so fine and she moves so much they slip out.

It's 4:50 am and I'm up with her. Sometimes it's so nice to have this quiet time, early in the morning to breastfeed her and spend some time one on one. However, I also know the boys are going to be up in about 2 1/2 hours and I need more sleep. Hmmm, the quandry. Doesn't matter thought what I want...Miss E has her own schedule. Normally she does pretty good about coinciding with mine, but there are those instances. ;)

Friends

I've seen the saying before that Friends are God's way of apologizing for family.

I sometimes think thats so true. I'm having issues with my brother now who I feel is being pretty selfish. But that's a whole post in itself.

But tonight my BFF came down to bring the boys' their birthday presents and meet Miss Elizabeth. Yea, it's been a couple of months but she's been out of state or we've been camping so it hasn't worked out till now.

I love Sandy. We've been friends since we were 3 and started preschool together. We went through a period of time there in early high school where we weren't super close because I didn't like her friends, nor her behaviors, but overall we've been super close for a very long time. My kids call her Aunt Sandy as a matter of fact, and they were almost uncontrollable this morning because they were so excited. Now that's not to say that we haven't had our own issues, afterall we are close enough to be sisters. But it all comes back to we are there for each other no matter what.

Well, she came down this evening and we had such a wonderful evening. We all went out to dinner and she played Sponge Bob on the Leapster with Zachary while he sat on her lap. Then when we came home they played Playstation together and Lucas and her played Matchbox cars. I guess what makes her so special to me is that she thinks of the kids. She plays with them. She enjoys spending time with them. And that makes her special to me in such a different way.

She still my BFF but our relationship has transcended the high school and college friendships. She's an aunt to my kids. A friend to my husband. And a sister to me. I guess as I get older relationships need to change and grow. What I appreciated in a friend before was someone to go out and drink with. Be crazy driving around stealing road signs with.

And now, I appreciate someone who understands that I love my family AND them. I appreciate someone who thinks of a good time as hanging out at the house, playing with the kids and having good conversation with each other.

That's not to say I don't love a good drink every now and again ;)

Elizabeth turns 2 months old.

Already I'm wondering where the heck the time went. She looks so big to me already. And soooo much like Lucas. I'm in love, that's one thing I know for sure.

I hate to say it, because I know that it's going to make me sound like a bad mom. Like I'm favoring one child over another. But there is something very different with Elizabeth, my last child, my daughter. I can't put my finger on it though.

I tried talking to Chuck about it, but he told me that guys just don't think that way. I wonder if it's because I *know* for certain that this is my last child. I wonder if it's because this is the first time that I haven't suffered from PPD. I wonder if it's because she's my *daughter* and there's already a special mom/daughter bond. I wonder if its because I have exclusively breastfed from day one. I wonder if it isn't the dynamic of our family now; seeing my boys as big brothers. Maybe it's a combination of all those things. It doesn't make me love her anymore than my boys. It's just I've enjoyed her more. I've enjoyed this infancy stage infinitely more. I've enjoyed breastfeeding, not more, just enjoyed it!

Like I said earlier, it's just hard to put my finger on. So maybe I'll quit trying. Maybe instead of trying to figure out my motivations, I'll just enjoy Elizabeth. And her brothers. And her daddy.

My family.

10 years together

I can't believe it.

Well, I can't believe two things really.

#1 That 10 years ago today, Chuck and I hooked up and started dating.

#2 I forgot this "anniversary" was today until about 1/2 hour ago.

I normally remember this well in advance and have a card, little gift, something for him...and he usually remembers as well and gives me great sex. Just like that fateful night. LOL! Kidding (kind of).

I had a party at my parents' house for the 4th of July. Working at a camp, we all still had to work the 4th, but the 5th was a Saturday. So I had a TON of people at my parents' house. That was my first, and only, party at mom and dad's. I was 20. Considering that I never had a party at my parents' before I didn't know the things to look for to clean up. Like the cigarette butts in the flower planters, the 20 glasses in the sink, or the puke under the bathroom rug. Unfortunately, no I'm not kidding about that.

But I digress. I look back over the past 10 years and wonder where the hell the time went. Never in a million years had I thought that we'd be where we are now...married for almost 6 years with 3 beautiful children....when I said "yea, sure" at my mom and dad's. It was just going to be a summer fling. When I went back to college that was it. Boy was I wrong.

I don't know when I fell in love with him. I just know that when I went back to college I couldn't stop thinking about him...and I couldn't wait to see him and tell him all the crazy things about the week. I still feel like that. I look forward to 2:45 pm every day when he walks through the door. I save up stuff to tell him...unfortunately some days it's just ranting about how horrible my morning was with the kids...but I know he's there for me and can sympathize with me. I enjoy my husband and I miss him dearly now that I'm working again.

People kept saying how hard it must be for me to leave Elizabeth and go back to work. That's not been too tough. I get to see my kids all day long. The tough part has been not being able to see, talk to, spend time with, and enjoy my husband every evening.

True enough we've been through some shit. When we moved in together back 9 years ago, it was a tough transition. And we've had several transitions throughout the years...3 of those times being named Zachary, Lucas and Elizabeth. But we've made it through and I think in some ways I feel closer to him then back in new love times. Because we have made it through all these things TOGETHER. And in being together, it has made us stronger.

I love you.

Zachary and the Dr.

We went back to the dr. today for Zachary. This was the day I was looking forward to and simultaneously dreading for the last 2 months. It's the day that the dr. explained his findings and let us know what he thought. Don't get me wrong...I'm so glad that someone believed us and saw what we saw so we can help Zachary achieve to the best of his ability. But a part of me is just so very sad and anxious to know the very hard work and struggle we have in front of us.

One of the tests that they did with Zachary was an IQ test. He's testing Superior to Very Superior. That's like 1-5 % of the population that tests that well. Dr. Glovinsky recommended that he not go into mainstream classes but instead is in a curriculum enriched program to challange him and help him not become a discipline problem...since his other issues will allow him to do that.

In short, they haven't labeled him as anything except unique. We will be seeing a psychiatrist now to go on meds though. Most likely a mood stabilizer to begin with. Maybe that will be all he has to have...maybe he'll have to be on a stimulant later...we just don't know. We're going to be taking it slow with the meds but there is clearly a biological issue and all the behavioral training isn't going to make that part of it go away. After the med is stabilized then we'll start some serious behavioral training. Basically, Dr. described Zachary as a diesel locomotive. He gets going and basically doesn't know how and can't put on the brakes himself. He has sooo many things going on in his head that he can't shut his brain down (which is why naptime and bedtimes are so hard for him). But it's why it's also important that he has a naptime or rest period...it allows him to rest and clear his head. He definitely shows the precedence for mood swings which leads to the bipolar aspect (as his dad and aunt have it). Dr. Glovinsky is requesting a conference with the school closer to school time to discuss how best to get Zachary's behavior under wraps while still giving him the intellectual stimulation that he has to have. ONe of the options that might happen is he won't get a normal recess time...because that's one period of the day that is unstructured and the biggest problem time of the day for Zachary.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what all the guidelines will be yet....or what changes we'll have to make. It's going to take some more time. But at least he saw what we saw and we can get some help now.

But I'm having anxieties and worries none the less. It's part of who I am.
LIKE:

Did we do wrong by our first child by having the others? Did we do wrong by Luke and Elizabeth considering all the attention that Zachary takes up and now all the different things he’ll be doing/going through/experiencing?

I don’t want any of my children to feel slighted. They are all equally important to me. They just all have different needs. But will they understand that at ages 3 and 5? Or even 3, 6 and 8?

I know there is nothing we can do now but deal with what we have. I wouldn’t have NOT had Elizabeth and Lucas. I love them both dearly and they have such special qualities that make them so endearing to me, make me laugh, make me cry. My concern is that they all know how incredibly special they are; even if Zachary is the only one to be in a special program or get special attention for schooling. Maybe that means I have to make sure the other 2 get special attention for soccer or ballet or something.

Eh, I’m rambling now. My mind is thinking of all the worst case scenarios and I’m having a hard time seeing the best case scenarios. I’m just feeling antsy tonight. Probably the 3 pieces of cake I had and 2 Mt. Dews on top of the anxiety of seeing the dr. today.

I’m worried that we won’t be able to provide the best type of schooling for Zachary. We just simply don’t have the money available to us to pay a $7,000 tuition. And the talented and gifted programs have nearly all been cut due to budget constraints. That’s not all he needs to help him succeed but it will surely help. I find it so frustrating that everywhere we turn we are running into obstacles with Zachary. First, it was finding people to see what we saw. Then, having a freaking dr. return my calls. Third, getting insurance to pay for it. Which didn’t happen so Dr. Glovinsky did it pro-bono. Now, once we know what we need, being able to find it. And lastly, being able to afford it.

And that’s just the school part of it. That’s not even touching how the drugs are going to make him feel and react. I remember going through the titration with Chuck and it’s not pretty. It’s very scary at times and definitely taxing on the whole family. Is that going to cause more anxiety for Zachary? Will it even work? (My hunch is yes, for some of his symptoms). Will just being on the meds make it so that all the other symptoms go away? (My hunch is no). I don’t really want my son to be taking a cocktail of drugs….but then again Dr. stated today that is exactly what he doesn’t want either. But what I really don't want is to lose his spirit. I want to see that super sensitive, sweet, thoughtful, wonderful little boy he is about 75% of the time. I don't want to break him, just help him harness it all and be successful and happy.

Just a quick picture for now....

I had my six week check up on Friday. I'm down 32 lbs from my PRE-pregnancy weight!! Woohoo!! I would LOVE to lose 20 more lbs in the next 6 weeks (for Elizabeth's baptism). I know I've done it before, so we shall see.

I've been able to exclusively breastfeed Elizabeth this entire time. Another big woohoo in my book!

I'm back to work as of Monday...so there'll be more posts from me. I'm not happy about being back but I'm trying to stay positively focused on my family and not the bullshit at work and hopefully not get as stressed out about all things as I was before. Having 6 weeks at home with the kids re-defined my priorities again....for the better.

Elizabeth's birth story

6 weeks later and I've already started to forget some details I'm sure. I wanted desperately to capture every moment by writing in a journal; but I forgot to get a journal and it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway considering it all went so extraordinarily fast.

I went on May 11 to see Sameerah my mid-wife for a end of the pregnancy ultrasound and NST. I was 39 weeks and 1 day at that point. I wasn't too worried about the ultrasound because I have had a couple of big kids and they have done ultrasounds with both of them as well. My normal sitter had just had her second baby a week before and another friend had her baby that Monday so I was out of options to have someone watch the boys for me...so along they went for the ride, armed with their leapsters and promises to be very, very good for mommy and they would get to see their baby sister on the t.v. screen.

So, the ultrasound went okay. The boys behaved well, I got to see the little thing on the screen. Luke had to go to the bathroom so he went in and Zachary went in as well to help keep an eye on Luke. Zachary about 2 minutes later stepped out with a sterile cup that Luke had peed in. Guess he'd visited the midwife with mommy a few too many times! LOL.

On to the NST where they boys weren't behaving so well, and as always they had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat with that monitor. And try to keep it there? Forget it. But they didn't have to for long. Sameerah came in and asked how I felt about an induction. I told her I didn't want one....I did that before and had a bad time of it. She went on to explain that what they were measuring during the ultrasound was amniotic fluid levels and normal is about an 8. They start to get worried at a 6. Mine were a 4. She wanted that baby out that night. I, of course, agreed. I didn't want an induction but for a medical reason I wouldn't refuse either. She assured me she doesn't like to use pitocin and that would be an absolute last resort. I was to meet her at the hospital at 6 pm that evening. This is about 1:5o pm. Cool...Chuck could get home, Mom and Dad would have time to drive to the house to get the boys....no problems. But then it started getting a little hairy. Baby Elizabeth wasn't being reactive. They wanted her heartbeat to spike and it wasn't...they had it, and it was staying steady but that wasn't what they wanted to see. So they let me use the phone call my mom and dad to get them on their way and made me promise I'd get to the hospital ASAP. I called Chuck at work and he was getting out in 5 minutes anyway...but just to prepare him. I hightailed it home...my heart pounding that something was wrong...it was all moving too fast....what if she wasn't okay?....and on and on and on. At least the boys fell asleep so they didn't see me crying on the way home. I didn't want them to be worrying too.

I got home and Chuck carried the boys in and got my bag to the car. About 5 minutes later my little brother Dan showed up to watch the boys until Mom and Dad got there. He was close by when Mom called him and he said they were too far away and he'd go to our house so we could get to the hospital.

We got to the hospital about 3:45. They hooked me up to the monitors, etc. and got the baby's heartbeat right away. About 4:15 Sameerah arrived and checked my dilation. I was already at 3 cm dilated. Hooray! At 4:30 they inserted the prostaglandin suppository and then I had to stay hooked up to the monitors for like another 1 1/2 hours. Laying in bed with the contractions was the worst!!! As soon as I could I got out of bed and walked for 1/2 hour and then decided I really wanted to try the jacuzzi tub. I hadn't had a chance with the other two...so in I went. It was awesome! I was so relaxed. I, of course, still felt the contractions but it was so much easier to deal with. At some point, about 7:45 or so, my mom and dad showed up to say hi. Mom thought it was pretty cool, laboring in the tub. I got out and they checked me at about 8:45 and I was at 7 cm dilated. I decided not to have the epidural at that point. I figure that if I came to a 7 without one I could deal with the rest, but I did have a shot of pain meds just to take the edge off. Mom and Dad left about 9:00 because the pains were getting pretty bad and I was concentrating a lot on that and having a hard time talking. Plus, they wanted to go home and put the boys into bed. During that time, I was having an incredible urge to push. Chuck started yelling at me to breath through the contractions because I started holding my breath. After that contraction was over, I told him and the nurse I was trying so hard not to push. She checked me and said it was almost time. She left the room to go pee and the next contraction sent me onto my side SCREAMING. (This by far was my loudest birth!) I started pushing...I couldn't help it...Chuck was talking to me...no one else was in the room...but they came in after hearing me screaming that's for sure!!! I remember hearing Sameerah ask where the medical student was...she needed to get in there NOW if she wanted to see the birth! Then Sameerah asked me if I wanted to deliver on my side or back...I told her I didn't care. She suggested I get on my back and Chuck and the nurse got my legs up for me. By that time Elizabeth was crowning. I pushed twice and then fell backwards onto the bed as the rest of the birth happened on it's own. At 9:26 pm Elizabeth was born. I cried, Chuck cried. It was awesome. They laid her on my bare chest and I had tears streaming down my cheeks. She was beautiful.

They took her after a while to the warmer and Chuck went over there with her for weighing, etc and I remembered to make sure they checked that she was a girl! LOL I laid there and looked at them, quiet, slightly crying and the nurse asked me if I was okay. I explained I'm just an emotional person and that it all happened so fast I felt sad. So happy to see my baby girl, but wow. It was fast. She had pinprick bruising on her face and a bloodshot eye because of it too.

She was born May 11, 2007, 9:26 pm. 8 lbs. 7 1/4 oz and 21 inches long. She had a ton of hair and it was dark with blonde highlights in it. She looked like she'd already been to her first beauty appt!

We called my mom and dad and they were shocked that I had her already. They came back up, with my SIL Kelly in tow too. The next morning the boys came up and ooh'd and aah'd over their sister as well. They doted on her so much!

Oh yea, and don't forget about daddy! He was one proud pappa...and still is!

Our family is complete.

She's HERE!

Baby Elizabeth is HERE! She was born May 11, 2007 at 9:26 pm. I don't have a lot of time right now and my computer is crashed at home :( so I'll fill in all the details later.

But I am alive and doing well as well as Elizabeth Grace. She's so precious...I have a ton of pics but can't upload any because of the library computer. So ya'll have to wait!

The labor and delivery was very easy and I got to labor in the jacuzzi tub for most of the time and I went without an epidural this time! Yay me! This was the perfect delivery for my last baby.

I ended up having to be "induced" but actually it was just a gentle nudge as I was already 3 cm when I got to the hospital. But I had an ultrasound at 1:15 on May 11 and they said that they wanted her out that night since my amniotic fluid was dangerously low. So I called the hubby and my parents and went to the hospital soon after that. I was given a prostaglandin suppository and 5 hours later she was born!

The boys are having some behavioral issues that I'm sure are due to having the baby at home but they aren't taking it out on her...just the opposite really, they are CONSTANTLY kissing and hugging her. Poor Elizabeth! She'll be sooo overprotected between her daddy and two older brothers!

I hope to have some pics up sometime soon and a little more on the birth and the wonderful feelings of contentment (most of the time) with having 3 kids.

Well, after 9 months...

I'm feeling GREAT! Nope, no baby yet but I'm feeling so happy tonight and full of energy. I was just walking around our unit at work singing an old song by Miami Sound Machine and thinking "if I wasn't so dang big I would be dancing right now!"

I think I've finally rested up some and the stress of the boys' birthday party, all 4 of us being sick with the pukies, Luke's birthday and 3 dr's appt all last week has lifted. I got some rest, some great sex and feel good now. AND I had about 3 hours to myself this morning while the boys' were in school to do whatever I wanted.

I watched A Baby Story, folded up and put away baby clothes and took a nap. Not all that exciting but it felt good.

Now, we just have Zachary's birthday yet to go on Wednesday and then the birth at any time. Oh, plus I have to register my big boy for kindy on Thursday :( That's going to be hard I think. I'm already feeling a little sad about that. I saw him this weekend in his booster seat in the van with his brand new baseball cap, his sunglasses and his new portable cd player rocking out to JoJo's Circus and he looked like he was about 15. Okay, well, maybe I was just imagining him as 15 but he did look so grown up. The years have gone by so fast.

And now we embark on yet another child. Another one to look at in 5 years and wonder "where the hell did the time go? Did I spend it wisely? Did I play enough? Did I make a mark on my child that I want him/her to remember?" I hope so. Last night at bedtime Zachary told me "I love you, did you know that? I love our family and how it is. And when you and Daddy die, you will stay in my heart forever and ever and ever. Even when I die you'll still be there".

I think that maybe I have made a mark.

All dressed up....

And just the cafeteria to go to!

We had a recognition program today at work for those dedicated servants to the government of our State. We had bottled water and cookies and EVERYTHING. LOL. Well, with the huge defecit that our state is in, I couldn't expect much. The director of our division even made it a point to state that the government money did not pay for our "refreshments" they were paid for by our bureau and division directors. Hooray for them.



But I had to come in on days for the ceremony, if you will. So I figured since I would be hob-knobbing with the big wigs it might be a good idea if I dressed up a little. So I put on my nicest outfit that still fits my whale of a body and even had Zachary dig out my high heels since the only other shoes I have right now is a pair of brown flats and a pair of flip-flops. Neither saying "Hey, I'm a professional". So I had a friend at work take a pic of me for posterity.

Here I am at almost 38 weeks...I had ditched the heels at this point though! :)

After seeing this pic I have determined a couple of things:

1. I need my hair colored BAD!

2. Black is VERY slimming. I look much smaller in that pic than I do in real life, FO SHO.

3. I need to work on losing weight after the baby comes. I'm not very happy with the extra chin.

In case you were wondering....

I'm still pregnant.

Yep, no little girl over here yet. I know, I know I'm only 37 weeks but OMG come on already! I'm really not comfortable much anymore. Seems like the best sleep I get is in the lazy boy between 7 am (when Zachary has been waking me up) and 9:00 am when I have to take him to preschool! But I can feel her moving around in there, making me realize that it's a little person and she'll come when she's good and ready. Even if it is closer to her actual due date!

I've had some nesting instinct. I guess you could say that anyways! I've cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, literally. Washed the walls, the floor, the cupboards, all the appliances, the windows and the curtain. I've cleaned the bathroom the same way and got down on my hands and knees last weekend to clean behind the toilet and the sink. I've washed down all the doors and gotten all the cobwebs and fuzzies from every nook and cranny in every room. I've dusted the living room furniture and today went through and polished and conditioned all the wood. I don't think my house has been this cleaned since we moved in!

But, at this point if she wants to wait until after the ninth I think I'd be okay with that. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I really would rather go out for dinner on my 30th bday than have a baby. May 1 is Luke's 3rd birthday. May 5 is Luke and Zachary's birthday party and then May 9 is Zachary's 5th birthday. So, if we can hold off till after all that and allow the boys to have their own special days and a great party, I'd be okay with that.

Last weekend I was starting to get really really nervous about labor and delivery. Trying to determine how much it was going to hurt. How bad I wanted to try with no painkillers this time. How much it was going to hurt ;) But I guess I've calmed about that now. I know what's going to happen is going to happen with labor. Nothing I can really do to stop it. If only I could feel that calm about the rest of the 3 weeks!!

Random Facts about yours truly!

So, a big thank you to Hannah for giving me the topic of my post today! She tagged me on her blog so I figured I should probably make a go of this and give you all some tasty little tidbits about my life.

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. When I was about 7 years old, my brother and I were racing to the house. I beat him. He punched me in the back. Back then, when I cried I would literally stop breathing as well. Which I did. And then I passed out and collapsed face first onto the concrete. My gums bled for hours and all my front teeth were loose. I had to be rushed to the dentist and from that point on, my teeth have always been weaker and I have LOTS of chips in them from that day...and other fights...with my brothers.

2. I'm a Mt. Dew-aholic. I really tried to cut that down during this pregnancy but until recently I was still drinking a 20 oz a day. Now Chuck is trying to cut it out as well (he's a Mt. Dew-aholic too) so I'm not drinking it either!

3. I talk to myself in the shower. I have some of my absolute best thoughts, ideas and conversation replays in the shower. I think it's because it's one of the few times of the day that I'm totally relaxed and ALONE. I've always done this. That's probably why my showers take 25 minutes.

4. I'm a slob. I really am and always have been. The last 3 days however, I've become a bit of a neat freak. Can you say "nesting instinct"? Hehehehe.

5. I like to eat. Well, not so much at this moment because I feel like a huge bloated whale and putting food into my mouth takes a lot of energy, but normally I am. I've blogged about this before. I love sweets. But not chocolate.

6. I lost my virginity to my husband. Not many people in this country can say that. Well, at least not many my age.

7. I raised rabbits when I was younger. A lot of them. Like over 300 at my prime of show days. I was National Rabbit Queen...and at that point in time, I was the youngest queen ever. I still wish somedays I was showing. But it's pretty time consuming. I still get asked to judge 4-H events occassionally, but when I was 16 I was on my way to becoming a sanctioned judge. I decided not to go through with it because of school, college etc. Now I kinda wished I had.

Now I get to tag people...but I don't know many people reading my blog anymore! I've been so sporadic in writing. So here I go...MLA, Christi, NoName, Julie, Diana. (Okay, so that's only 5 but I can't think of anymore that haven't done it or been tagged already!)

Virginia Tech shootings

It's a tragedy.

That much is absolutely for sure.

But this is also a tragedy that could have, possibly, been avoided. How?

Not by taking away weapons, or even semi-automatic weapons, from the citizens of our FREE country. But by paying attention to people. In today’s day and age, everyone is only concerned about themselves. I’m guilty of that as well. If it’s not directly affecting myself, my family or my friends, I have a hard time feeling directly affected by the events. However, within recent years that’s changed a bit (definitely since 9/11).

Professors who noticed this man’s strange and dangerous behavior needed to do something. People who recommended that he seek counseling should have notified the school. There were lots of clues that they were dealing with a completely unstable individual. He was loosely linked to 2 bomb threats. Within a campus, professors, teachers and law enforcement need to be working together and have good, open communication.

Because taking away guns, that were purchased legally, would not have stopped this tragedy. This man was hell-bent on creating panic, killing people and making a name for himself. And the media has done that for him, that’s for sure. Someone who is going to go through the process to legally purchase guns, think ahead of time to take locks and chains with him to the engineering building and write a rambling suicide note, would have very well carried out this mission by building a bomb and could have killed lots more people. Or for that matter, he could have gone on a rampage across campus in his car running pedestrians over and killing several people. He also could have just as easily taken a hunting rifle or shotgun and killed just as many people. I read another’s opinion about how the gun-toting amendment to the Declaration of Independence was written for foreign terrorists and NOT for someone stepping on your shoes. I believe that statement to be half right. It wasn’t meant for people to be vigilantes and kill someone for looking at them the wrong way. However, it wasn’t written for foreign terrorists. It was written for the citizens to have the ability to overthrow the government. It was written so that in the absence of law enforcement, people could defend themselves (ever have anybody break into your home. Where’s the police at that exact moment?)

So is the cure for this eliminating all guns from the hands of the citizens? I don’t believe so. Guns are absolutely overused in today’s society. But removing them all together? Then the only people who would have guns would be criminals. But the guns would still be there. And no, I'm not a gun-toting, hunting, backwoods redneck who has a gun rack on the back of their F-150. In fact, I've never owned a gun, never shot a gun, never held a gun. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel I should have the RIGHT to own one.

I think it’s for people to start looking around them and paying attention. For people to not think “oh, it’s somebody else’s problem that he’s crazy”. For the media and the citizens at large not to sensationalize the horrible news every chance they get and turn these people into celebrities, even if for only that “5 minutes of fame”. To think that people don’t go on these homicidal, suicidal rampages for some type of fame is absolutely asinine. There are actually cases reported of the criminals bragging about how they stumped police, how everyone was watching their every move. The sad thing is you do not very often see the reverse of the coin being held true. The teens or adults who are trying to make a difference just don’t get that type of news time. WHY? Because it’s not sensational enough.

There is one more thing that irks me a bit. And it’s loosely tied into this topic, among some others. My husband is a bit of a conservative. I think on some issues I’m even more conservative than he is though. I’m so fed up with hearing things like “Oh, I guess that’s Chuck talking”, or “well, no wonder you feel that way, look who you’re married to”. It’s true that I didn’t take any active opinions about political or hot topic issues until I met my husband almost 10 years ago. But, I’ve become even more opinionated since I’ve had the kids. Maybe I feel I have a responsibility to them and to society to raise them to be educated, informed citizens. Whatever the reason though, I do have a mind. I’m almost 30 years old , I’m not a child. I can make decisions for myself and Chuck will be the first one to tell you that I’m not easily swayed once I’ve read the information and made an opinion on that. Even if it is different from his. So, stick it up your ass. How’s that for childish behavior?

Counseling

Okay, soooo not what I expected out of today. I was REALLY hoping for the counselor to say "oooooh, you're having anger problems. Here this is what you do now go on your way."

Now, I'm not saying that I expected that, but a girl can hope right? But instead I got stuck with a bit of a moron who was asking all kinds of questions about my family, my past, alchohol and drug use (there isn't any...I'm so boring), and marriage/homelife questions.

He got to one part that seriously cracked me up. He was asking all these questions about my past, how my relationship was/is with my family, etc, etc, etc. Then onto my marriage. I answer truthfully and he says "Now, I have to ask a personal question."

Um, hello? Like the rest of the questions weren't personal? Or maybe I just told him way more information than he needed.

However, the question was : Do you have a healthy sex life?

I said "yes" immediately.

Then thought about it for a minute and asked what exactly he defined as "healthy". He said "well, what do you mean?"

I explained, after some deep thought at how to approach it delicately, that our sex life is a little untraditional. He seemed VERY taken aback and made a couple of remarks that sounded a little judgemental to me. I explained that if he was asking if our sex life was consistent, then yes. We don't have any problems in that area. He seemed satisfied with that answer :)

But needless to say, I didn't resolve anything today except to make 2 appts for next week. *sigh* Between my weekly midwife appts, Zachary's psychologist appts, and now the counseling appts I'm going to be zapped for time. Just when I feel like I need time more than ever.

That was another question that kinda threw me for a loop. What do I do for a social life. I answered honestly "What social life?" He threw out options...do you go out with work friends? Friends from school? Anything?

I know this is part of my problem. I don't feel I have time to do those things. I went out March 31 for the first time with the girls in months and had a GREAT time. But I don't do it often. As for going out after work...have you ever tried to go out with friends at 1 am? In a small town? And then try to get up at 7:30-8:00 am with 2 young and active boys? Yea, not that easy.

Weekends for me are family time. I guess that comes into play because we don't have ANY family time during the week, so I feel we have to make up for it on the weekends. But also, my college and high school friends and I are kinda on different paths in our lives. And my mom friends, who are my support most days, are usually via online and they have children, families, husbands and really busy lives of their own on the weekend. There are Mom Night Outs planned during the week....while I'm working. So that doesn't help much. Add into the fact that IF we have a sitter and can afford some recreation, I'd really prefer the company of my husband over most women. I guess that's a good thing though. I feel like we don't get to see each other enough as it is, so why wouldn't I want to spend any extra time we can find with him? But it does make for one boring and burned out Lisa. But I just don't know how to fit that "me" time in.

So maybe the therapist will offer her services as a sitter for free, and give us money to go out with a bunch of friends and go hiking for the afternoon, then on to painting pottery before hitting a really nice resturant for dinner and then onto the movies.

But I won't hold my breath for that.

34 Week appt ++++

A lot is going on.

Chuck and I are struggling a little in our marriage. That portion of my life has been a little out of control and very emotionally trying and well, different. However, I do feel like things have been said that should have been said for a long time and that maybe finally everything is in the open. There are a lot of hurt feelings but maybe we have finally HEARD each other instead of just yelling at each other. My hope is that we can build a stronger relationship based on trust, honesty and appreciation of one another. I'm going to be starting anger counseling on Wednesday and I'm kinda looking forward to learning better ways to control that part of my personality...because honestly it's not something I like very well about myself.

Chuck and I went to see the pscyhologist regarding Zachary last Friday. He was reassuring. Even though he had no answers for us, he took us seriously and didn't brush off our concerns. He said that we have reason for concern with family history and the differences that we see in Zachary compared to other kids and even his own brother. It doesn't make Zachary a bad kid. It's makes him a unique kid....or like Zachary told a cashier one day "Yep, I'm a really special kid". And he is. We go back later this week to do our first session with Zachary at the dr's office. I'm nervous. Doc wants to video tape us interacting with Zachary...and quite frankly, that kinda scares me. I don't feel I interact with him well at all. What's the dr. going to think if I can't even interact with my own son? But then again, he has a son with special needs as well, so he's probably gone through that before.

Today was my 34 week appt. I'm actually 34 weeks and 4 days...but who's counting? Me!!! That's who!

Last night I was in so much pain in my back, I was on my hands and knees in bed seriously in tears. I thought maybe it was my kidneys but Sameerah didn't think so because change of position wouldn't have released the pain even a little. So I have no idea what it was. Plus, I had so much gas pain and diarrhea yesterday I was miserable. I was wondering if maybe I'd go early considering I remember feeling kinda like that before the boys...but no such luck.

I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over. I loved being pregnant with the boys that it's making me kinda sad to want this one to be over with.

Everything was good at the dr. today. I lost the 3 # that I gained last time and my BP was 108/68..perfect for me. Baby's heartbeat is in the 130's. I was complaining to Sameerah though about how much pain I'm in by the end of the day...some days I can't hardly walk out from work because of such abdominal muscular pain. She had me do a crunch and lo and behold I have a severe abdominal muscle seperation. (I wonder if this is also the reason that it hurts when Lucas sticks his finger in my belly button to "play" with Baby Elizabeth...I did that tonight and you CAN feel weird stuff in there...I don't think that's normal!) She said it won't create any problems with labor and delivery, but Chuck brought up some interesting questions after my appt like A) will it grow back together or will I need surgury? B) what will happen with my belly? Hang to my knees? C) Will my brace help with it if I wear it every day? So I did some research. Apparently, it happens because of overweight/obesity as well as with subsequent children. I can do a bunch of exercises after the baby comes to get those muscles back together and I'll work on that...I don't want to have any future problems.

But does anybody know how to exercise when your husband works an opposite shift than you and you have THREE kids? I'm curious. Because I don't exercise now. I guess I could but hell, it's just one more thing I would have to try to fit into my day. I'm already overwhelmed with the "should have's" and "could have's" now.

The count down begins now...Only 5 more weeks!

Friday nights

They kinda suck for me....and they kinda rock.

The suck because as I'm coming to work, everyone else is leaving for the weekend. In a huge rush to get out of here and enjoy the gorgeous weather that we've been having. I wish I were with them...done with my day and ready to start the weekend.

But they rock because Fridays are generally super laid back and really quiet at work. So I can chill, get my work done with little interruptions (always a good thing) and have some pleasant chit-chat with co-workers. And then I also have the knowledge that while everyone else is returning to work 8 am Monday morning...I have the whole day off!

On another note, this baby girl is seriously practicing to become a gymnastics star. Really, all I've felt for the last 2 days is tumbling and rumbling inside my tummy. This afternoon I laid down and took a nap with Zachary on my bed. True to form, I had to pee when I woke up. I rolled onto my back and baby girl did some serious backflips right onto my bladder. THAT woke me up...I whelped a little and Chuck laughed as I screamed that I needed to pee NOW!

I had my 32 week appt on last Monday and everything is going wonderfully. I gained 3 lbs, but I knew I would this time. I feel like I had been starving...and was ravinously hungry. Plus, everyone and their brother decided I needed more and more food. Someone from work brought me a 1 lb bag of jelly beans because I like them so. I DO Like them...but I also don't want to become a whale. Well, an even bigger whale!

Last Friday night, I went home early and was laying up close to Chuck...resting my belly on him and he was acting like a little schoolboy. It was so cute. He kept saying...hey, I felt Elizabeth! Was that her again? Hey, are you feeling that? Wow, that's so cool! I can feel her so well! It was a big deal to him and on Sunday he was telling my mom about it. I think it's so neat to see a daddy so excited and so interested in being a part of the pregnancy. This one has been a lot more laid back than the other two...WAY more laid back than Zachary's....just because it's not new this time. But, he went and proved again what a great daddy he is.

I got MEAT today!!!

And, um, get your mind out of the gutter ;) Although Chuck was home from work today (sick, yea, right) we both took a nap while the boys were napping. That seems more important to this pregnant momma right now anyways!

But, we did go to the butcher and pick up our 1/4 steer. YAY! I'm soooo looking forward to having a nice juicy, home-grown, corn-fed Porterhouse steak on Saturday. AND it should still be nice so we can have it on the grill. It's the only way to do it!

I grew up with steers, hogs, and rabbits, so there was always fresh, home-grown meat in the fridge. I missed that for our first 8 years together. But now, I work with a woman who raises Holsteins for slaughter and we get our meat from her. There is just something so satisfying about having a deep freeze full of steaks, roasts and hamburg. Great tasting steaks, roasts and hamburg nonetheless!

But now, I guess I should be careful. There was a new study concerning the connection between the amount of beef consumed during pregnancy and your unborn son's sperm count. Soooo, wonder what the connection will be made next for girls. *insert some sarcasm*

I guess I don't take a lot of stock in these "studies". The basis for this is them asking mom's their consumption of beef. But were other things taken in account? Say, intake of caffeine? Location of the mommas? Maybe it's something like in Erin Brockevich where there is underground chemicals creating problems. I'm just so sick of everything being blamed on the "unhealthy" cow. Everything in moderation, people.

Heroes and Superheroes

Ever wonder how a kid looks at heroes?

Like superheroes. That's what they relate them too. Heroes may not have cool super powers such as turning things to ice or having knives come out of their hands (Luke LOVES Wolverine from X-men) but they have powers none the less.

Wonder how I know this?

We were driving by a veterens cemetary and there were three flags plus the United States flag (which Zachary calls our national state flag). He asked what the three flags were for. So Chuck explained that they were for the Army, Navy and Airforce.

Zachary, being the questioner that he is, needed to know more. What does that mean?

Chuck explained that they fight for our country, to keep us safe and to protect us and our rights.

Zachary:

So they're all like superheroes?

Yes, yes, they are sweetie. And let's hope none of us ever forgets that.

Where to start?

I'm tired. That's a good place. I think I'm more tired now than I was in the beginning of this pregnancy. There are days I feel like I hit a brick wall and just can't move any longer. I talked to my midwife about this and the basic consensus is that is my body's way of saying "SLOW DOWN!" Today I slept from about 3 am to 8 am and then again from 10:45 to 11:45 and then again from 1:45 to 3:45. I'm so glad the boys are such good boys and still take naps with me in the afternoon!

But then I get to work and deal with bullshit. Constantly. I don't understand why people make decisions before they fully understand the concept of the job or what actually needs to happen or does happen. And then, when they don't know, they don't ask questions. WHY? *sigh* I'll be glad to be going off on maternity leave. My boss has been telling everyone for months now that I'll be off for at least 6 months (try more like 6 weeks due to financial reasons) but I'm seriously thinking a 6 month hiatus sounds like a freaking God send right now. Except for the fact that after 6-8 weeks I'd be itching to get back to work and have some quiet time and not the insanity of having 3 children in our home.

Next Friday is our first appointment with the psychiatrist for Zachary. This appt. is just for Chuck and I. I'm assuming to go over what we feel Zachary's issues and behaviors are, what the background is...both for him and for our family backgrounds, as well as see what this place has to offer and how they may be able to help. And I so hope they can help. Zachary has seemed to be in a bit of a funk lately and is crying at everything. Absolutely everything. It's driving me a little batty.

A few days ago, I had asked him to go potty before naptime. He said "It's okay, momma, I'm wearing a diaper" Now, this is where I should point out that Zachary is almost FIVE! He's been potty trained a full 1 1/2 years. Luke is now to the point where I would consider him potty trained as well (except for today. He's not feeling well and poop is just running out of him, poor kid). Anyway, I ask Zachary if he means his overnight pull up from the night before. Nope, he shows me. He's wearing one of Luke's diapers.

Zachary gets dressed by himself every morning. Picks out his own clothes and fully dresses himself in his room by himself. I never question it because it's never been an issue. But, yes, he's wearing one of Luke's diapers (also for at nighttime). And he peed in it! He'd wore it all morning at school and then peed in it! WTH? So when Zachary gets into bed for naptime, after changing into underwear at my insistance, he sighs. Really, really heavy-like. I asked him what the matter was. His response: It's just so hard being 4. *big sigh* I wish I were 1 again. It's easier being 1.

Now, it's so hard to not laugh. Because honey if you think 4 is hard, try being almost 30, pregnant with 2 kids and being a working mom. But I withheld the laughter. Because in a way it's kinda sad to me. My kid has such worrisome things on his mind that being 4 sucks. And his brain works in such a way that it upsets him and he worries and thinks about these things. And that worries me too.

So, I'm looking forward to talking with the dr. Plus, on a side note, Chuck and I have to go to the big city ALONE. Maybe we'll have a nice dinner out after the dr. appointment :)