All dressed up....

And just the cafeteria to go to!

We had a recognition program today at work for those dedicated servants to the government of our State. We had bottled water and cookies and EVERYTHING. LOL. Well, with the huge defecit that our state is in, I couldn't expect much. The director of our division even made it a point to state that the government money did not pay for our "refreshments" they were paid for by our bureau and division directors. Hooray for them.



But I had to come in on days for the ceremony, if you will. So I figured since I would be hob-knobbing with the big wigs it might be a good idea if I dressed up a little. So I put on my nicest outfit that still fits my whale of a body and even had Zachary dig out my high heels since the only other shoes I have right now is a pair of brown flats and a pair of flip-flops. Neither saying "Hey, I'm a professional". So I had a friend at work take a pic of me for posterity.

Here I am at almost 38 weeks...I had ditched the heels at this point though! :)

After seeing this pic I have determined a couple of things:

1. I need my hair colored BAD!

2. Black is VERY slimming. I look much smaller in that pic than I do in real life, FO SHO.

3. I need to work on losing weight after the baby comes. I'm not very happy with the extra chin.

In case you were wondering....

I'm still pregnant.

Yep, no little girl over here yet. I know, I know I'm only 37 weeks but OMG come on already! I'm really not comfortable much anymore. Seems like the best sleep I get is in the lazy boy between 7 am (when Zachary has been waking me up) and 9:00 am when I have to take him to preschool! But I can feel her moving around in there, making me realize that it's a little person and she'll come when she's good and ready. Even if it is closer to her actual due date!

I've had some nesting instinct. I guess you could say that anyways! I've cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, literally. Washed the walls, the floor, the cupboards, all the appliances, the windows and the curtain. I've cleaned the bathroom the same way and got down on my hands and knees last weekend to clean behind the toilet and the sink. I've washed down all the doors and gotten all the cobwebs and fuzzies from every nook and cranny in every room. I've dusted the living room furniture and today went through and polished and conditioned all the wood. I don't think my house has been this cleaned since we moved in!

But, at this point if she wants to wait until after the ninth I think I'd be okay with that. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I really would rather go out for dinner on my 30th bday than have a baby. May 1 is Luke's 3rd birthday. May 5 is Luke and Zachary's birthday party and then May 9 is Zachary's 5th birthday. So, if we can hold off till after all that and allow the boys to have their own special days and a great party, I'd be okay with that.

Last weekend I was starting to get really really nervous about labor and delivery. Trying to determine how much it was going to hurt. How bad I wanted to try with no painkillers this time. How much it was going to hurt ;) But I guess I've calmed about that now. I know what's going to happen is going to happen with labor. Nothing I can really do to stop it. If only I could feel that calm about the rest of the 3 weeks!!

Random Facts about yours truly!

So, a big thank you to Hannah for giving me the topic of my post today! She tagged me on her blog so I figured I should probably make a go of this and give you all some tasty little tidbits about my life.

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. When I was about 7 years old, my brother and I were racing to the house. I beat him. He punched me in the back. Back then, when I cried I would literally stop breathing as well. Which I did. And then I passed out and collapsed face first onto the concrete. My gums bled for hours and all my front teeth were loose. I had to be rushed to the dentist and from that point on, my teeth have always been weaker and I have LOTS of chips in them from that day...and other fights...with my brothers.

2. I'm a Mt. Dew-aholic. I really tried to cut that down during this pregnancy but until recently I was still drinking a 20 oz a day. Now Chuck is trying to cut it out as well (he's a Mt. Dew-aholic too) so I'm not drinking it either!

3. I talk to myself in the shower. I have some of my absolute best thoughts, ideas and conversation replays in the shower. I think it's because it's one of the few times of the day that I'm totally relaxed and ALONE. I've always done this. That's probably why my showers take 25 minutes.

4. I'm a slob. I really am and always have been. The last 3 days however, I've become a bit of a neat freak. Can you say "nesting instinct"? Hehehehe.

5. I like to eat. Well, not so much at this moment because I feel like a huge bloated whale and putting food into my mouth takes a lot of energy, but normally I am. I've blogged about this before. I love sweets. But not chocolate.

6. I lost my virginity to my husband. Not many people in this country can say that. Well, at least not many my age.

7. I raised rabbits when I was younger. A lot of them. Like over 300 at my prime of show days. I was National Rabbit Queen...and at that point in time, I was the youngest queen ever. I still wish somedays I was showing. But it's pretty time consuming. I still get asked to judge 4-H events occassionally, but when I was 16 I was on my way to becoming a sanctioned judge. I decided not to go through with it because of school, college etc. Now I kinda wished I had.

Now I get to tag people...but I don't know many people reading my blog anymore! I've been so sporadic in writing. So here I go...MLA, Christi, NoName, Julie, Diana. (Okay, so that's only 5 but I can't think of anymore that haven't done it or been tagged already!)

Virginia Tech shootings

It's a tragedy.

That much is absolutely for sure.

But this is also a tragedy that could have, possibly, been avoided. How?

Not by taking away weapons, or even semi-automatic weapons, from the citizens of our FREE country. But by paying attention to people. In today’s day and age, everyone is only concerned about themselves. I’m guilty of that as well. If it’s not directly affecting myself, my family or my friends, I have a hard time feeling directly affected by the events. However, within recent years that’s changed a bit (definitely since 9/11).

Professors who noticed this man’s strange and dangerous behavior needed to do something. People who recommended that he seek counseling should have notified the school. There were lots of clues that they were dealing with a completely unstable individual. He was loosely linked to 2 bomb threats. Within a campus, professors, teachers and law enforcement need to be working together and have good, open communication.

Because taking away guns, that were purchased legally, would not have stopped this tragedy. This man was hell-bent on creating panic, killing people and making a name for himself. And the media has done that for him, that’s for sure. Someone who is going to go through the process to legally purchase guns, think ahead of time to take locks and chains with him to the engineering building and write a rambling suicide note, would have very well carried out this mission by building a bomb and could have killed lots more people. Or for that matter, he could have gone on a rampage across campus in his car running pedestrians over and killing several people. He also could have just as easily taken a hunting rifle or shotgun and killed just as many people. I read another’s opinion about how the gun-toting amendment to the Declaration of Independence was written for foreign terrorists and NOT for someone stepping on your shoes. I believe that statement to be half right. It wasn’t meant for people to be vigilantes and kill someone for looking at them the wrong way. However, it wasn’t written for foreign terrorists. It was written for the citizens to have the ability to overthrow the government. It was written so that in the absence of law enforcement, people could defend themselves (ever have anybody break into your home. Where’s the police at that exact moment?)

So is the cure for this eliminating all guns from the hands of the citizens? I don’t believe so. Guns are absolutely overused in today’s society. But removing them all together? Then the only people who would have guns would be criminals. But the guns would still be there. And no, I'm not a gun-toting, hunting, backwoods redneck who has a gun rack on the back of their F-150. In fact, I've never owned a gun, never shot a gun, never held a gun. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel I should have the RIGHT to own one.

I think it’s for people to start looking around them and paying attention. For people to not think “oh, it’s somebody else’s problem that he’s crazy”. For the media and the citizens at large not to sensationalize the horrible news every chance they get and turn these people into celebrities, even if for only that “5 minutes of fame”. To think that people don’t go on these homicidal, suicidal rampages for some type of fame is absolutely asinine. There are actually cases reported of the criminals bragging about how they stumped police, how everyone was watching their every move. The sad thing is you do not very often see the reverse of the coin being held true. The teens or adults who are trying to make a difference just don’t get that type of news time. WHY? Because it’s not sensational enough.

There is one more thing that irks me a bit. And it’s loosely tied into this topic, among some others. My husband is a bit of a conservative. I think on some issues I’m even more conservative than he is though. I’m so fed up with hearing things like “Oh, I guess that’s Chuck talking”, or “well, no wonder you feel that way, look who you’re married to”. It’s true that I didn’t take any active opinions about political or hot topic issues until I met my husband almost 10 years ago. But, I’ve become even more opinionated since I’ve had the kids. Maybe I feel I have a responsibility to them and to society to raise them to be educated, informed citizens. Whatever the reason though, I do have a mind. I’m almost 30 years old , I’m not a child. I can make decisions for myself and Chuck will be the first one to tell you that I’m not easily swayed once I’ve read the information and made an opinion on that. Even if it is different from his. So, stick it up your ass. How’s that for childish behavior?

Counseling

Okay, soooo not what I expected out of today. I was REALLY hoping for the counselor to say "oooooh, you're having anger problems. Here this is what you do now go on your way."

Now, I'm not saying that I expected that, but a girl can hope right? But instead I got stuck with a bit of a moron who was asking all kinds of questions about my family, my past, alchohol and drug use (there isn't any...I'm so boring), and marriage/homelife questions.

He got to one part that seriously cracked me up. He was asking all these questions about my past, how my relationship was/is with my family, etc, etc, etc. Then onto my marriage. I answer truthfully and he says "Now, I have to ask a personal question."

Um, hello? Like the rest of the questions weren't personal? Or maybe I just told him way more information than he needed.

However, the question was : Do you have a healthy sex life?

I said "yes" immediately.

Then thought about it for a minute and asked what exactly he defined as "healthy". He said "well, what do you mean?"

I explained, after some deep thought at how to approach it delicately, that our sex life is a little untraditional. He seemed VERY taken aback and made a couple of remarks that sounded a little judgemental to me. I explained that if he was asking if our sex life was consistent, then yes. We don't have any problems in that area. He seemed satisfied with that answer :)

But needless to say, I didn't resolve anything today except to make 2 appts for next week. *sigh* Between my weekly midwife appts, Zachary's psychologist appts, and now the counseling appts I'm going to be zapped for time. Just when I feel like I need time more than ever.

That was another question that kinda threw me for a loop. What do I do for a social life. I answered honestly "What social life?" He threw out options...do you go out with work friends? Friends from school? Anything?

I know this is part of my problem. I don't feel I have time to do those things. I went out March 31 for the first time with the girls in months and had a GREAT time. But I don't do it often. As for going out after work...have you ever tried to go out with friends at 1 am? In a small town? And then try to get up at 7:30-8:00 am with 2 young and active boys? Yea, not that easy.

Weekends for me are family time. I guess that comes into play because we don't have ANY family time during the week, so I feel we have to make up for it on the weekends. But also, my college and high school friends and I are kinda on different paths in our lives. And my mom friends, who are my support most days, are usually via online and they have children, families, husbands and really busy lives of their own on the weekend. There are Mom Night Outs planned during the week....while I'm working. So that doesn't help much. Add into the fact that IF we have a sitter and can afford some recreation, I'd really prefer the company of my husband over most women. I guess that's a good thing though. I feel like we don't get to see each other enough as it is, so why wouldn't I want to spend any extra time we can find with him? But it does make for one boring and burned out Lisa. But I just don't know how to fit that "me" time in.

So maybe the therapist will offer her services as a sitter for free, and give us money to go out with a bunch of friends and go hiking for the afternoon, then on to painting pottery before hitting a really nice resturant for dinner and then onto the movies.

But I won't hold my breath for that.

34 Week appt ++++

A lot is going on.

Chuck and I are struggling a little in our marriage. That portion of my life has been a little out of control and very emotionally trying and well, different. However, I do feel like things have been said that should have been said for a long time and that maybe finally everything is in the open. There are a lot of hurt feelings but maybe we have finally HEARD each other instead of just yelling at each other. My hope is that we can build a stronger relationship based on trust, honesty and appreciation of one another. I'm going to be starting anger counseling on Wednesday and I'm kinda looking forward to learning better ways to control that part of my personality...because honestly it's not something I like very well about myself.

Chuck and I went to see the pscyhologist regarding Zachary last Friday. He was reassuring. Even though he had no answers for us, he took us seriously and didn't brush off our concerns. He said that we have reason for concern with family history and the differences that we see in Zachary compared to other kids and even his own brother. It doesn't make Zachary a bad kid. It's makes him a unique kid....or like Zachary told a cashier one day "Yep, I'm a really special kid". And he is. We go back later this week to do our first session with Zachary at the dr's office. I'm nervous. Doc wants to video tape us interacting with Zachary...and quite frankly, that kinda scares me. I don't feel I interact with him well at all. What's the dr. going to think if I can't even interact with my own son? But then again, he has a son with special needs as well, so he's probably gone through that before.

Today was my 34 week appt. I'm actually 34 weeks and 4 days...but who's counting? Me!!! That's who!

Last night I was in so much pain in my back, I was on my hands and knees in bed seriously in tears. I thought maybe it was my kidneys but Sameerah didn't think so because change of position wouldn't have released the pain even a little. So I have no idea what it was. Plus, I had so much gas pain and diarrhea yesterday I was miserable. I was wondering if maybe I'd go early considering I remember feeling kinda like that before the boys...but no such luck.

I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over. I loved being pregnant with the boys that it's making me kinda sad to want this one to be over with.

Everything was good at the dr. today. I lost the 3 # that I gained last time and my BP was 108/68..perfect for me. Baby's heartbeat is in the 130's. I was complaining to Sameerah though about how much pain I'm in by the end of the day...some days I can't hardly walk out from work because of such abdominal muscular pain. She had me do a crunch and lo and behold I have a severe abdominal muscle seperation. (I wonder if this is also the reason that it hurts when Lucas sticks his finger in my belly button to "play" with Baby Elizabeth...I did that tonight and you CAN feel weird stuff in there...I don't think that's normal!) She said it won't create any problems with labor and delivery, but Chuck brought up some interesting questions after my appt like A) will it grow back together or will I need surgury? B) what will happen with my belly? Hang to my knees? C) Will my brace help with it if I wear it every day? So I did some research. Apparently, it happens because of overweight/obesity as well as with subsequent children. I can do a bunch of exercises after the baby comes to get those muscles back together and I'll work on that...I don't want to have any future problems.

But does anybody know how to exercise when your husband works an opposite shift than you and you have THREE kids? I'm curious. Because I don't exercise now. I guess I could but hell, it's just one more thing I would have to try to fit into my day. I'm already overwhelmed with the "should have's" and "could have's" now.

The count down begins now...Only 5 more weeks!

Friday nights

They kinda suck for me....and they kinda rock.

The suck because as I'm coming to work, everyone else is leaving for the weekend. In a huge rush to get out of here and enjoy the gorgeous weather that we've been having. I wish I were with them...done with my day and ready to start the weekend.

But they rock because Fridays are generally super laid back and really quiet at work. So I can chill, get my work done with little interruptions (always a good thing) and have some pleasant chit-chat with co-workers. And then I also have the knowledge that while everyone else is returning to work 8 am Monday morning...I have the whole day off!

On another note, this baby girl is seriously practicing to become a gymnastics star. Really, all I've felt for the last 2 days is tumbling and rumbling inside my tummy. This afternoon I laid down and took a nap with Zachary on my bed. True to form, I had to pee when I woke up. I rolled onto my back and baby girl did some serious backflips right onto my bladder. THAT woke me up...I whelped a little and Chuck laughed as I screamed that I needed to pee NOW!

I had my 32 week appt on last Monday and everything is going wonderfully. I gained 3 lbs, but I knew I would this time. I feel like I had been starving...and was ravinously hungry. Plus, everyone and their brother decided I needed more and more food. Someone from work brought me a 1 lb bag of jelly beans because I like them so. I DO Like them...but I also don't want to become a whale. Well, an even bigger whale!

Last Friday night, I went home early and was laying up close to Chuck...resting my belly on him and he was acting like a little schoolboy. It was so cute. He kept saying...hey, I felt Elizabeth! Was that her again? Hey, are you feeling that? Wow, that's so cool! I can feel her so well! It was a big deal to him and on Sunday he was telling my mom about it. I think it's so neat to see a daddy so excited and so interested in being a part of the pregnancy. This one has been a lot more laid back than the other two...WAY more laid back than Zachary's....just because it's not new this time. But, he went and proved again what a great daddy he is.

I got MEAT today!!!

And, um, get your mind out of the gutter ;) Although Chuck was home from work today (sick, yea, right) we both took a nap while the boys were napping. That seems more important to this pregnant momma right now anyways!

But, we did go to the butcher and pick up our 1/4 steer. YAY! I'm soooo looking forward to having a nice juicy, home-grown, corn-fed Porterhouse steak on Saturday. AND it should still be nice so we can have it on the grill. It's the only way to do it!

I grew up with steers, hogs, and rabbits, so there was always fresh, home-grown meat in the fridge. I missed that for our first 8 years together. But now, I work with a woman who raises Holsteins for slaughter and we get our meat from her. There is just something so satisfying about having a deep freeze full of steaks, roasts and hamburg. Great tasting steaks, roasts and hamburg nonetheless!

But now, I guess I should be careful. There was a new study concerning the connection between the amount of beef consumed during pregnancy and your unborn son's sperm count. Soooo, wonder what the connection will be made next for girls. *insert some sarcasm*

I guess I don't take a lot of stock in these "studies". The basis for this is them asking mom's their consumption of beef. But were other things taken in account? Say, intake of caffeine? Location of the mommas? Maybe it's something like in Erin Brockevich where there is underground chemicals creating problems. I'm just so sick of everything being blamed on the "unhealthy" cow. Everything in moderation, people.

Heroes and Superheroes

Ever wonder how a kid looks at heroes?

Like superheroes. That's what they relate them too. Heroes may not have cool super powers such as turning things to ice or having knives come out of their hands (Luke LOVES Wolverine from X-men) but they have powers none the less.

Wonder how I know this?

We were driving by a veterens cemetary and there were three flags plus the United States flag (which Zachary calls our national state flag). He asked what the three flags were for. So Chuck explained that they were for the Army, Navy and Airforce.

Zachary, being the questioner that he is, needed to know more. What does that mean?

Chuck explained that they fight for our country, to keep us safe and to protect us and our rights.

Zachary:

So they're all like superheroes?

Yes, yes, they are sweetie. And let's hope none of us ever forgets that.

Where to start?

I'm tired. That's a good place. I think I'm more tired now than I was in the beginning of this pregnancy. There are days I feel like I hit a brick wall and just can't move any longer. I talked to my midwife about this and the basic consensus is that is my body's way of saying "SLOW DOWN!" Today I slept from about 3 am to 8 am and then again from 10:45 to 11:45 and then again from 1:45 to 3:45. I'm so glad the boys are such good boys and still take naps with me in the afternoon!

But then I get to work and deal with bullshit. Constantly. I don't understand why people make decisions before they fully understand the concept of the job or what actually needs to happen or does happen. And then, when they don't know, they don't ask questions. WHY? *sigh* I'll be glad to be going off on maternity leave. My boss has been telling everyone for months now that I'll be off for at least 6 months (try more like 6 weeks due to financial reasons) but I'm seriously thinking a 6 month hiatus sounds like a freaking God send right now. Except for the fact that after 6-8 weeks I'd be itching to get back to work and have some quiet time and not the insanity of having 3 children in our home.

Next Friday is our first appointment with the psychiatrist for Zachary. This appt. is just for Chuck and I. I'm assuming to go over what we feel Zachary's issues and behaviors are, what the background is...both for him and for our family backgrounds, as well as see what this place has to offer and how they may be able to help. And I so hope they can help. Zachary has seemed to be in a bit of a funk lately and is crying at everything. Absolutely everything. It's driving me a little batty.

A few days ago, I had asked him to go potty before naptime. He said "It's okay, momma, I'm wearing a diaper" Now, this is where I should point out that Zachary is almost FIVE! He's been potty trained a full 1 1/2 years. Luke is now to the point where I would consider him potty trained as well (except for today. He's not feeling well and poop is just running out of him, poor kid). Anyway, I ask Zachary if he means his overnight pull up from the night before. Nope, he shows me. He's wearing one of Luke's diapers.

Zachary gets dressed by himself every morning. Picks out his own clothes and fully dresses himself in his room by himself. I never question it because it's never been an issue. But, yes, he's wearing one of Luke's diapers (also for at nighttime). And he peed in it! He'd wore it all morning at school and then peed in it! WTH? So when Zachary gets into bed for naptime, after changing into underwear at my insistance, he sighs. Really, really heavy-like. I asked him what the matter was. His response: It's just so hard being 4. *big sigh* I wish I were 1 again. It's easier being 1.

Now, it's so hard to not laugh. Because honey if you think 4 is hard, try being almost 30, pregnant with 2 kids and being a working mom. But I withheld the laughter. Because in a way it's kinda sad to me. My kid has such worrisome things on his mind that being 4 sucks. And his brain works in such a way that it upsets him and he worries and thinks about these things. And that worries me too.

So, I'm looking forward to talking with the dr. Plus, on a side note, Chuck and I have to go to the big city ALONE. Maybe we'll have a nice dinner out after the dr. appointment :)

CHUCK!!!!

If you happen to read this, please call me at work.

The phone line switched over to the digital and the cordless isn't plugged in, so I can't get through to you. I left a voicemail.

I'm trying to figure out how to see if we have voicemails and how to retrieve them now :)

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Maybe I should make this a regular posting. Every Tuesday I spurt forth all my random shit for the week.

Have you ever felt like you are just nothing in this world. Like no one truly gives a shit about you other than to tell you what you are doing wrong and what you should be doing? No matter how much you care about other people and want to and try to get involved in their lives, you're just an insignificant particle of dust on their shoe to be wiped off? Yea, I feel like that tonight.

I hate know-it-alls. And I work with a few. One is telling me that the cold I have is bronchitis and I need to see the dr. NOW. And just why don't you take medicine? Doesn't matter that you are pregnant and don't want the baby to come out deformed. At least I'd be comfortablle. Pah! Oh yea, and then there is the know-it-all that is bound and determined that SHE did it right, so therefore it must be computer error. *sigh* I hate that. It's called "OE" honey. (That's operator error for those not knowing the lingo).

I think it's God's cruel little joke that men and women are on different horniness schedules. No, seriously. I think maybe it's like natural birth control or something. I'm not feeling well today...headache, sinus pressure, sore throat, just feeling pretty shitty. Today is the day Chuck decides to stay home from work and wants to get it on. Um, no. Seriously, I'm almost ALWAYS up for it but I feel incredibly UN-SEXY coughing up phlegm. Maybe our issue is also the night-day thing...because he's raring to go in the mornings...and I'm soooo ready to go when I get home from work at night at...oh....1:30 am. When he's sleeping. Yea, makes for some great times huh?

I think it's hotter than a stuffed pig in this building. I hate that the state can't regulate the temperatures any better than this. My hands are swollen, my feet are swollen, and I think I'm dehydrating. I need to be chugging more water that's for damn sure.

65 more days. Okay, I freaked out a little bit about that yesterday. 65 more days. That's like almost 2 months exactly till I have this baby! Yikes! Where did the time go? How the hell am I going to get anything done at all? I'm getting to the point in my pregnancy where I'm running out of breath really easily and fatigued a lot more. *sigh* Just running after the boys is wearing me out. I think I might suggest my brother's suggestion to Chuck of just hiring out the drywall job. We'll see.

I need new shoes. Period. And maybe a nice new purse/wallet combination. Mine sucks.

99 Luftballoons

So, this really doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the song at all. Just a funny story involving my oldest son, Zachary.

I have a red bra. It's see-through and really hot and of course, my hubby loves it because it's the most uncomfortable bra I have. But my boobs do look good in it.

I was in my bedroom dressing one day when Zachary walked in. I told him to go out and get ready to go that momma was getting dressed. I hadn't put my bra on yet...and he asked what that metal bar was through your booby. I explained that mommy had a ring through her nipples just like I have a ring through my ears. I hurriedly put my red bra on (I had NO other bras washed that day).

He points to my boobs and says "Hey, look momma, you have 2 red balloons!"

OMG, I don't know how I stopped myself from dying of laughter. "Yep, buddy sure looks like it doesn't it?"

Chuck got a HUGE kick out of it, of course.

So, not much has been said from Zachary about it since I stopped wearing that red bra.

Until today.

I was picking him up from school and his little friend said "Hey Zachary, you're mommy is going to get a new baby!"

Zachary said "YEP! And you know what else she's got? TWO big red balloons right here!" and spreads his hands across his chest.

Luckily the teachers didn't hear, and there were no questions...so I chuckled to myself and high tailed it out of there!

Hopes becoming realized

Have you ever had something that you wanted soo bad and then when it's just about on your doorstep, you step back and think "holy shit! What's going on? Did I want this?"

I'm freaking out a little. Just *a little*.

Last week, Zachary was observed for the first time by the KEEP counselor. Tuesday I was able to meet with Sheila and we talked for almost an hour. I was very upfront and forthcoming with her (as that's just who I am) and discussed some of our biggest concerns for Zachary. I explained that we saw a psychologist about 7 1/2 months ago who seemed like he would be on the right track but never got back with us. I explained that Chuck was diagnosed bipolar after a very, very rough few months. I explained that we've seen differences in Zachary since he was about 18 months old. I think because Chuck grew up bipolar and probably ADD, we look for things since it is highly hereditary. At first, we didn't know WHAT we were looking at, but I like to be somewhat knowledgeable and looked at a bunch of stuff and try to know my kid. So I gave her all my opinions and observations and background, and was told that we were seeing things way before most parents AND very astute for seeing these things.

She suggested that we (meaning her and us) contact this Dr. that specializes in bipolar and either rule it out or get a handle on it first. Especially since this Dr. is a big guru in the feild and runs a bipolar assessment clinic. I said GREAT! Let's see what he has to say.

Sheila called me this morning. Said things were moving a lot faster than anticipated and normal. Said that the Dr. emailed her back almost immediately and wants us to contact him directly to set up the appointments and get information. So, I googled his name.

Wow. Seriously, this guy has written books on the Bipolar Child. Has a bipolar child himself. Tours the country lecturing on the behaviors of bipolar children and teaches pediatric psychology. AND collaborates with another specialist on bipolar children and autism. (Aspergers is one of the things that has been brought up before). AND Dr. Glovinsky does all the testing for the gifted children for a big school in the Detroit area.

I feel so damn lucky to be able to have this opportunity to get Zachary in with someone GREAT. And for Free! Yes, free. He donates his time through the community health department (which is the program Sheila works with is through).

But I just feel like OMG...what's happening? What if it is these things? How do I deal and cope? What if it's not? I'm going to feel like a tool for making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Now, of course, I've already called the dr. and am waiting for a return call and we'll do whatever is necessary to get Zachary whatever help he needs for him AND us to be successful. But I still feel like everything is moving so fast now and I just don't know what to think or do.

I'm weird....I know that.

But this post is going to prove that.

There are a few people out there I find hot. Usually it has to do somewhat with an accent.

But there are a few that makes even me scratch my head.

Mr. Tumnus from Narnia. He's pretty hot AND he has an accent.

I think it has to do with the expressiveness in his eyes. I was watching Narnia the other day with the boys and his eyes and eyebrows just struck me as so sexy. I find a man who can talk with their eyes VERY attractive. One of the reasons I fell for my husband and why I love winks.

And then there is this one. Why? I don't know. I think it goes

back to the expressiveness in his features during the commercials. I wonder what he looks like WITHOUT makeup.

I was told by Chuck today that ABC has purchased the rights to make a sitcom of the Geico caveman from the commercials. I'll be interested to see it because quite frankly the commercials almost make me pee my pants. Well, it's not really that hard to do anymore BUT they are pretty funny.

Okay, so I find out that one of the cavemen is Ben Weber. Funnily enough he's not that hot as a non-caveman guy. Shucks.

It's very sad that I'm spending my lunch hour looking this shit up. Lately I've been all about deep random thoughts that mean absolutely nothing.

I AM SPEED!

LOL...I'm probably gonna have to explain that one later.

Random Thoughts

* I hate it when people come up and talk and talk and talk and then as soon as you start to say a funny anecdote or something, they are "way too busy to talk" and run the other way. Seriously now, I'm not that boring am I? And IF I am, why talk to me in the first place?

*I think my dog, Jake, caught a mouse and ate it today. I'm so glad he's such a good mouser BUT I'd prefer he did it while I'm not at home. I am getting chills just from thinking about it.

*We have adopted a second dog now too. Kodi. He's a good boy. But DAMN that dog is ALWAYS underfoot. And he's a Lab/Chow mix so he's not small! I feel like I'm constantly tripping over him. But he's a good protector, and I know that's why he wants to always be where I'm at (or Chuck).

*Where did my sweet, always happy, ready to do anything for you Lucas go to? Oh wait. He's almost 3. *sigh* I think if I hear "But it's not FAIR!" one more time I'm going to scream. Or the whining, or crying, or temper tantrums. I told Mom that today and she laughed. Said "you were the same way, Lis" Great. Now I get to look forward to more of me from my second child.

*Sometimes you can hear partial stories from people and think "What the hell? My friend is an absolute crackhead!" That happened to me today...I don't know the whole story but there is something about snorting pixie sticks (I learned not to do that in 5th grade...I thought I was cool) and gumbo. I don't think I want to know anymore. I'd like to still think of my friend as somewhat intelligent.

*I've been reading another blog called Onion Rings and usually laugh every time I read it. As I was reading one of her posts from recent days, I was so happy to know I'm not the only anal person regarding the correct usage of words. In particular, your and you're. I HATE reading spelling errors and inproper usage of words. However, I don't always go back and correct my own mistakes. Go figure. (Oh, and this is the American English language I'm referring to...not the other one from across the pond).

*I love it when I come home to a clean house. It's so nice to come in the door and not trip over toys. I wish we could always have it that way when daddy comes home, but he comes home in the afternoon and the boys are still playing!

*My head is hurting for the second day in a row now. Yesterday I thought it was due to lack of caffeine in my diet (I didn't stop for my morning coke). However, I DID stop today and I still have a headache. Oh, and heartburn. Yay for pregnancy.

*Tomorrow is gymnastics day for Luke and mommy. But I still don't know if they'll be open. Bad mommy for not calling earlier today.

*I had this really, really funny thing I wanted to mention in my RT for today, but I forgot. Damn pregnancy brain.

ALIEN!!!

I have an alien inside of my stomach.

She is bursting to come out.

Today, while sitting at the computer I swear I saw a little hand pop out of my belly button and try to type something out to her daddy on the email.

Okay.....Okay...Maybe I'm exaggerating a *little* bit. However, everytime I get to this point in my pregnancies (you know the point where you can SEE your stomach moving) I am reminded of the movie Alien. Especially that part where the woman's body starts to move and then an alien head shoots out of her stomach. I know, it's a lovely picture, but I'm reminded of it nonetheless.

Today was the first time I saw this phenomenon. I was sitting there, typing an email to Chuck, and my stomach moved. I just saw it out of the corner of my eye...and then I saw it again. Since then, I don't think that this little girl has sat still.

While the movement is undoubtedly one of the coolest things about pregnancy, one of my favorite things, it's still a little unnerving to see it happening in your own body.

Last Wednesday, I had a midwife appointment and my second ultrasound. We had to have a second ultrasound because of an inability to see everything last time. This time around, the tech was able to see all internal organs and all parts of the brain. I was even able to see all four chambers of the heart pumping away in there. It was really cool. And I asked, just to make sure, and it is still a girl! The little girl is laying transverse across my belly too, which is probably why I'm not popping out like a basketball and why I'm having such pain in my hips.

I also had to do my glucose test checking for gestational diabetes. This is always something that is rather worrisome to me, considering that diabetes is rampant in my family and my grandfather died from diabetic complications. As of yet, I haven't heard anything back regarding that, so I'm assuming it's a good thing.

I did gain 2 lbs this visit. But, I'm totally a-ok with that. Hell, not pregnant I can gain 2 lbs in 2 days, so 2 lbs in a month isn't too shabby. I'm still down a total of 10 lbs this pregnancy.

And now I start going to the midwife every 2 weeks!!!!! I can't believe I'm already in my third trimester. I feel like this pregnancy is absolutely flying by. I know there are days that I can't wait to end, but for the most part I'm so busy with the boys, Chuck, the house, work, that time is flying! We have finally started working on the baby's room, well we've been doing bits here and there...but it's almost cleaned out and we should be able to start tearing down paneling and drywall this weekend. I can't wait to see it finished :)

It's funny how with each consecutive child you get laxer and laxer with things. At this point in my pregnancy with Zachary, I believe we had the room cleared, the bed set up and things hanging in the closet and wall hangings on the wall...all waiting in anticipation for our bundle of joy. With Luke, we knew we were moving, but I still had things ready for the baby...bottles out, cradle set and ready to go, new car seat for Zachary so Luke could have the infant seat.

Now, with our third child...I'm 11 weeks from having her...and the room isn't even cleared out and we have construction and remodeling to do! I guess I just know a little better now just exactly what's needed and what's important. And having a perfect nursery isn't it.

Ever have one of those days?

Where you are looking forward to something so much that you are actually on time to the function? (Well, maybe that's just my life. I'm always 20 minutes late. I'll be late to my own damn funeral).

But I was ON TIME this morning. With 2 kids in clothes in tow.

And then...NOTHING. Complete and utter disappointment.

Zachary was supposed to be evaluated this morning and the counselor called in sick. So now we have to reschedule the appointment in probably another 2 weeks. *sigh* I seriously almost started crying. (Damn pregnancy hormones). But I was really looking forward to making some kind of progress with this. At least getting something started and on the way with this child.

It's probably a blessing in disguise though because Miss Pam (his teacher) said that he was so good today! And he was wonderful this afternoon...listened to directions and followed through with them. If you miscount the mishap of his mattress ending up off the bed and onto the floor, today was the best day in quite some time. So, I guess it's okay that she didn't come. She needs to see the kids' BAD days :)

Next Tuesday

Is the day.

The day that I might get some type of answers regarding Zachary.

We've been told that February 20th, the infamous Sheila (the counselor) will be coming to evaluate Zachary within the classroom. She won't be interacting WITH Zachary, just watching him and how he interacts with the teacher, the other students and himself. The teacher, myself and Chuck all have to complete a questionnaire about our experiences with Zachary, as well.

So, we probably won't get any answers that day. But at least I'll feel like we have finally accomplished *something*. That we may be on our way to helping him.

Tuesday of this week we received a letter from our insurance company (after only 6 1/2 months since our initial visit) that they are denying any testing for Zachary. Their reason is that it is only for "educational purposes" and there is nothing medically wrong with him.

Oh, realllly? Wanna come hang out with him 24/7?? Supposedly this Sheila should be able to help with referrels and insurances and appeals to get him whatever he needs. I hope so.

On another note, Zachary asked Chuck the night after he told me he wanted a new mom and dad:

Z: "Daddy, remember how I said I wanted a new momma and daddy?"

C: "Yep"

Z: "That was kind of a mean thing to say wasn't it?"

C: Well yea, buddy, it's wasn't really nice.

Z: I didn't really mean it. I do want you and momma as my momma and daddy.

This kid is really such a sweetheart. It was completely out of the blue and neither Chuck nor I mentioned it to him after my initial conversation with him about it. That's Zachary's saving grace...his sweet nature.

5 words to describe your marriage

Among the "moms" today there was discussion about what 5 words would describe your marriage/relationship.

It took me a few minutes to come up with some words. Not because I couldn't think of any, it's just that some didn't fit.

As I was reading through what other people had used to describe and define their relationship, I felt a little sad for them.

Comfortable, Relaxed, Safe were used on several peoples lists....and not just one of them, but ALL of them.

Chuck and I have a comfortable relationship and I definitely feel safe with him and relaxed around him. Afterall, we've been together for 10 years and have *almost* 3 children together. But I don't think of those words as defining our relationship. They are a part of it, sure, but doesn't define who we are.

I chose 5 words and still was struggling for the correct word on some of them:

Unconditional
Enjoyable
Hard
Passionate
Complimentary

After I wrote my words, another person used Challenging and I think I like that word even better than hard. Our relationship is full of challenges. It's definitely not perfect, however, we are both unconditionally committed to our relationship and making it work that not being perfect is a-ok. I would rather have a relationship that was enjoyable and passionate, than a laxa-daisy relationship that was so comfortable it became boring.

Why is our relationship challenging? Might I remind you of the *almost* 3 kids. That's challenge in and of itself. We also work opposite shifts and see each other maybe 10 minutes a day. And yes, we have problems. But those problems we are working on diligently, and I think we are becoming a stronger, more united couple because of it.

After I wrote my words down, I asked Chuck what words he would use to describe us. I think it's a good sign that we chose the same parts of our relationship to define us...and used similar (even though they aren't the same words).

Love
Commitment
Partnership
Frustrating
Kinky

So here's how I see our comparison:

Unconditional=Commitment
Enjoyable=Love (I didn't want to sound clique by using love. LOL)
Hard=Frustrating
Passionate=Kinky (um, yea, we are passionately kinky. Anyone knowing us IRL would say so!)
Complimentary=Partnership

And those words are all a-ok with me. While it's not perfect, it's the fact that we are working on it. And as one mom said "Getting better all the time".

That's us. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fears for this new baby of ours

As I said yesterday in my post, I want the best for my children.

A lot of pregnant women have fears.

Fears about what childbirth is going to be like.
Fears about what having a child is going to be like.
Fears about having 2, 3 or more children.
Fears about having quality time with each child.

I don't seem to have those fears. My fears are probably completely irrational to every other human being on the planet. But I think we take our own personal experiences and inflict them on what we do or DON'T want for our children.

Enter those fears for this pregnancy.

One of my biggest issues growing up was being overweight and ugly. Or at least feeling as such. Is it any wonder that I have an irrational fear of this baby girl being fat and ugly? I don't know why because my boys are absolutely adorable kids with no weight problems whatsoever, but with Chuck and I having BIG genes, I'm just afraid that it's going to be the girl that gets it. I know it's hard to explain but I'd rather have a big boy where you are considered husky and a football player than a fat girl and be just fat.

I'm also concerned about her being smart enough. Now, this isn't something that I really ever had problems with as a child. However, I felt I was expected to be above the bar in order to prove that just because you're a girl, doesn't mean you can't do something. Or maybe those expectations were only placed by me. But, some of this fear is rational. For the first 3 months of my pregnancy, I had a REALLY hard time remembering my prenatals...so i'm worried that that'll affect her in some horrible way. I guess some of that is my Catholic, mommy guilt too.

Then there is the caffeine addiction I have. I've been unable to kick caffeine all-together this pregnancy. With the boys, I gave it up cold turkey and I'm just hoping that it doesn't affect baby girl in some way as of yet unbeknownst to the dr's or myself. I've read some links of ADHD and caffeine during pregnancy, but considering where Zachary is at and the fact I didn't drink caffeine, maybe that link isn't completely there yet.

Most days I push these thoughts to the back of my head, but then there are days I wonder........

I'm an aunt again!

Welcome Baby Emma LeeAnn!

(Her middle name is after my Dad (Lee) and my SIL's sister (who died of colorectal cancer at age 29) and her mom...both middle names being Ann).

7 lbs, 7 oz and 21 3/4 inches long.

Momma ended up having a c-section because she was too exhausted to push any furthur. I finally talked to my brother and the baby was coming down the birth canal at an angle and got stuck. Kelly was throwing up after the c-section and as of 9:30 was still sick. She was not breastfeeding, as they are concerned its the flu and they don't want Emma to get sick too :(

Apparently, though, Dan was text messaging Kelly's sister while she was pushing. Hmmm, I think I would have had a few words to say about that.

I'm planning on going to the hospital tomorrow (sans the boys) to see baby Emma!

MIA and Zachary

Well, as you can see it's been quite some time since I've posted. That's not to say I haven't been thinking about my posts. I actually have 3 drafts started of notes of things I want to talk about, but I think I'll blame the weather for my lack of creativity and ability to write. Last year, I was diagnosed preliminary with seasonal depression. To say the least, it sucks. It hits me hard in Jan/Feb/ and March. So I'm dead in the middle of it. It's not quite as severe this year as in past years, probably due to the pregnancy, but I definitely notice myself MUCH more emotional and I want to be involved in less. I feel disenchanted from my mom's group...very much the outsider in a group of women I've grown to call my friends over the last year and a half. But suddenly, I'm feeling left out, forgotten, not just by them but at work as well. My mood is also such that I don't WANT to write. Even though now is the time I should.

In the meantime, I had my 25 week midwife appointment. Everything went well, I lost an additional 2 pounds making this a total loss of 12 lbs for this pregnancy. Woo! I love being pregnant for my weight loss. This time I AM going to keep it off after I have the baby! But just being pregnant has caused some extra emotion in my life, damn hormones.

So, that brings me to a place of extreme emotion and not wanting to deal with things, right?

Enter Zachary. As a mother, I want what is best for my children. I think all (well, at least most) mothers do. Last week, I was approached by Zachary's preschool teacher. The long and the short of it was he wasn't allowed to go out on recess because of his behavior. And then when he was told this, he went into a complete meltdown. Miss Pam informed me that if she had a day like that EVERY day she would have to ask us to remove him from preschool, it was that severe. We had had problems with Zachary and his behavior for about 4 days prior to that as well, just having some major issues listening, focusing, keeping his hands to himself, crying, meltdowns, tantrums, etc. This isn't completely atypical for him either but it definitely seems to come in cycles. I almost started crying with his teacher....I felt completely (and still do) at my wits end with trying to figure out how to deal with him. I asked her honest opinion about my oldest child and her response was that there would be no way that a kindergarden teacher could handle him and 27 students even on an okay day for Zachary. He's too high maintenance, too high strung, and has to be watched constantly. And on a bad day? Yikes.

We discussed how I've tried to get him seen by this psychologist who came highly recommended and had some suggestions at Zachary's "uniqueness". But after 4 months of calling, and no return phone calls on their behalf, I'm frustrated there too. Miss Pam explained about a program called KEEP (Keeping Early Education Positive) and suggested that we (as preschool and home) contact them and see what we can do to make his life successful. Miss Pam said that he's absolutely smart and picks up on things quickly and absorbs everything, but for as advanced as he is in that manner, he's just as far below socially and behaviorally. So, next week there will be a counselor coming to Zachary's school to evaluate him and talk to his teacher, Chuck and I and then make some recommendations on where we can go from here. Miss Pam suggested that Zachary will more than likely be referred out to a more in depth counselor/pscyhiatrist/psychologist because he has issues further than just being not disciplined at home.

While discussing this all with Chuck, I sobbed. Literally sobbed. I just want Zachary to succeed in life. He told me last weekend that he wanted to be an animal dr. At the rate he is going, he'll not be able to make that goal (if it's his goal at that part of his life). Not because he isn't smart enough but because he doesn't seem to have the ability at this point to focus and behave. I want that to change but I just don't know how!!!

The next day, Zachary explained to me that he wanted a new mom and dad. Ones that weren't so mean and yelled so much. I thought I sobbed the day before? Nothing at all compared to that day. Why? Children hate their parents sometimes right? Sure. But I do yell too much. I don't know how else to deal with him anymore. Nothing else has worked. Yelling isn't working, either, but I'm out of ideas. I emailed Chuck and told him I don't think I can be a mom anymore. Soo....a parent wants what's best for their child. What if what's best for them is to have a different mom? But I had to remind myself (after Chuck saying "well you are a mom! So we'll just have to figure out a better way to deal with him!") that God gave this child to me because I AM the best parent he can have. I will forge on to find out how best to handle him, how best to get him to succeed in school and life. Some parents, will say "well, they're just a bad seed. it's their problem and their fault". I know beter and will be an advocate for my child. It's just so tiring and exhausting in the meantime. And well, emotionally draining not to mention dehydrating from all those tears.

So, seasonal depression, pregnancy and a "spirited" child who needs special help didn't mesh well last week. I hope next week, the counselor can give us some hope. Chuck and I are both committed to doing what we need to do in order to give Zachary the best start he can have. I guess that's what makes me a good mom.

I love my husband.

I know, I know, I've done these posts. I've written them on Valentine's Day and our anniversary but this one is just because.

Just because I think he's wonderful.

Why? Because he's freakishly smart and resourceful. Just when I'm ready to discount something, he's there ready to take charge and make it work.

I'm talking about our current van. I love the van, I really do. It sits up high off the ground and has ran like a champ despite the fact it's 14 years old. Looks pretty good too (if you can overlook the slightly crunche in driver side corner that I did last fall).

But our van had problems this winter. First, I thought it was just an oil change, then the feul filter, then we took it to the mechanic for stalling problems and he said it was the air filter (nope), and the ignition module. Fixed for less than expected. Sweet!

Then it quit. Dead. So we have it towed and the tell us $370. I wanted to cry. I was so tired of getting up at 6:30 am to take Chuck to work so I could have a vehicle. Chuck told the guy to shove it. So over the next few days, he and I researched the possible problems and then Chuck went to the auto store and bought the parts, read how to change them and did it! For a grand total of $38!!! How freaking great is that?

Sometimes I underestimate him. Well, maybe a lot. But he has proven himself yet again to be able to do the undoable.

I think one of the things that endears me to him even furthur is how he took Zachary along for the ride. Chuck is so amazing with the boys, and takes them under his wing. Zachary went to the store and then "helped" Daddy fix the van. Zachary was soo proud of himself and Chuck that day helped boost Zachary's self-esteem like you couldn't do just by saying "good job". For that too, I love him.

Ever wondered who else has your name?

Chuck was telling me that he googled his name one day and found some interesting stuff. One of the things he found was a website devoted to past politicians and in their database was not only his grandfather, but his great-grandfather as well.

That got me thinking....who out there has my name? What have they done? What have I done that I don't know is posted yet? Nothing came up for my married name...except some lawsuit in California. No big story. However, when I googled my maiden name, an interesting book by Lisa Burnham was top on the list.

How freaking cool is that? If only it were me. That would be way cooler.

So google your name. Anything interesting come up?

Quick thing that made me laugh today...

Lucas had let in Jake (oh, he's our dog) from outside in the backyard. When I went into the kitchen the back door was still open. I asked Lucas to shut it stating:

"What were you raised in a barn?"

(side note: OMG, Can I sound anymore like my father if I tried?)

Lucas response to me was:

"We don't have a barn! We have a garage! Silly goof!"

One more reason I love being a mom sometimes.

I've been thinking....

And that is never ever good :)

But this time, it just may be.

Zachary and I had a rough day today. Until something happened that made me sit back and think "Damn, I love this kid" I decided that once a week or so I should blog about those moments. Those moments when I remember WHY I love being a mom so much. By doing so, maybe it'll help me focus on the more positive things in motherhood instead of the less positive (such as less sleep and fighting with a boy who won't nap because it's too daylight out).

I bought some cinnamon rolls today. Luke and I went to Walmart and I was craving some of their cinnamon rolls. So gooey and yummy when microwaved for a few seconds.

I digress (but I want another one now)....Luke ate one when we got home and after we got Zachary from preschool they both ate one. Leaving one for me. Cool.

But there wasn't one in the container. I question the lads. Where did the other one go? Zachary says that Lucas ate it. He took the last one. I was crushed. That also means that Luke would have eaten 3 HUGE cinnamon rolls by himself...also not good. I wasn't too happy but what can you do? They are gone.

Until I walked past the piano and saw a yummy, gooey cinnamon roll sitting on the piano, forgotten by one of the boys. Yay! My savior of sanity!

I put it in the microwave to warm it up, at that same time, Zachary walked into the kitchen and offered me up the other half of his. Looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said:

"here momma, I'll share with you. Because I love you. Did you know that?"

Yep, Zachary I know. And I love you too. More than words can ever say.

Okay, I cannot be the only one to find this funny!

Okay, apparently there is a huge phenomenon that I am just now catching up with. No big surprise as I'm usually way behind on trends, but also I've been super sick. But there is a satirical video called Box in a Box that is cracking me up. Chuck didn't find it nearly as funny as I did. But apparently others did. Because it made #1 on MSNBC's list about a week ago.

So, I guess I'm not all alone in this funny world after all.

My sensitive child

Zachary worries me sometimes.

He really does. And I don't know whether it's because he's "unique" (as yet undiagnosed for anything) or whether it's because he's just a very sensitive child, but he worries me nonetheless.

For Christmas, my boys got the book Charlottes Web from their Grandma and Grandpa. It was one of my favorite books as a little girl. I had a copy of it that I would read over and over and over. I grew up on a pseudo farm and was so much happier to be with the animals who loved unconditionally than people sometimes, so I really felt I related to Fern. (side note: My mom wrote in the front of the book : Merry Christmas Zachary and Lucas. I hope you enjoy this book as much as your mom did as a little girl.)

So, soon after Christmas we started reading the book to them. I started it since I was on vacation, and I loved the book, and then when I went back to work, Chuck took over reading a chapter a night before bed. And sometimes they got the book at naptime too, if they were good in settling down. As I said, I know this book. I knew Charlotte died. (sorry for anyone who's never read it, I just ruined the near-ending!) But I didn't think about it being an issue for my boys.

My boys watch movies that most children don't. They've seen all the Harry Potters. They've watched Lord of the Rings with us. They know about death.

So I was completely unprepared last night when Chuck informed me that Zachary was having a difficult time with going to bed BECAUSE Charlotte died. That he was sooo distraught by this. Charlotte died in the story on Tuesday night. Wednesday I *thought* that Zachary was being unusually needy. Unusually sentimental and loving. (He has always been a very loving child and tells me numerous times "I love you, did you know that?") But numerous as in a week, not in a DAY! Now, I'm not complaining because I love hugs and kisses and being told I love you....what mom wouldn't?

But, when I found out that the underlying issue on Thursday is that he's afraid daddy and I are going to die and leave him it concerned me. And why this book in particular? Why did Charlotte affect him so profoundly? It took him about 2 hours to fall asleep Thursday night. And numerous trips by Daddy back into his room to reassure him that he was still here.

He and I talked about it again today. I explained that Daddy and I would be around for a LONG time and that we weren't planning on leaving him. He said not till I'm your age? I said "Shessh, Zachary, I hope even older!!!"

His sentimental, sensitive side is going to be a downfall for me for years to come. I can already see it....he comes home after his first girlfriend dumps him...just crushed. And I'm going to cry with him. I'm going to hate her as much, if not more, than he does. *sigh* How did my mom do it with me?

How will you be described?

Charles -- [adjective]: Smells like teen spirit 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

My husband. Niiiiccceee.

A Hero's Journey

So, my friend Matt is asking all of us who read his blog The Hero Workshop to write up our own hero journey. Because basically anyone who was a camp counselor at some point was a hero to someone, and took a journey to become that person.

I'm finding it VERY difficult to even start to write. My journey started because I didn't want to live at home any longer under my dad's authoritarian rule. I didn't have any altruistic motives. And while I was there, I defintiely enjoyed working with the kids, it's something I had done for years before that in 4-H. Maybe I should just sit down and start writing and then prune later. My best writings are typically reviewed and re-written over a 2 week time period.

My husband however did write up his journey. I love his writing. He can be so descriptive, emotional and poignant. It's not a side that everyone typically sees, not even me on a regular basis. But the story disturbed me a little. He revealed things that I never knew about and actually things that I believed to be true were lies. But, at least the same lies had been told to every single other person in his life. It makes me wonder again if you live a lie for so long, it doesn't become the truth. I'm not mad at him for this, but in a way I am hurt. Not so much because of the general lie, but because of the actual truth behind it, which I've never been told about. I've thought about it for a few days now and have decided that there isn't much I need to do. Eveyone has skeletons in their closet. Most couples never discuss sexual experiences as in depth or personally as we have. So what if he omitted one. It happened over 20 years ago, while I was still in 6th grade!!! I guess I have a harder time with these things because I tend to be extremely open and expect everyone else to be too.

Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time writing my story...because of my skeletons that only about 4 people know about. Those skeletons in some way really define who I am and why some of the paths I chose were chosen, even if subconsciencly.

Hospital again...

This time for me.

On Friday night I started having some cramping and back cramping. I was having some pelvic/abdominal pain, intermixed with this cramping. I got home from work and laid down thinking that would help and it still was happening. There were times it was so strong, the cramps would literally take my breath away.

Well, 24 hours later it was still happening. I was getting a little worried. So I placed a call to Sameerah and she said to go get check at the birthing center. So, we make some phone calls...find someone to watch the boys for a couple of hours, and head off to the hospital. Sameerah mentioned bladder or kidney infection so we wanted to get checked out.

Turns out (after 3 hours in there) that I was dehydrated. So they sent me home with implicit instructions to drink AT LEAST 8-8 oz glasses of water. That's what I'm working on. Dr. Maynard (who is incredibly cute) also said to use some hot packs for the cramping and pain and it's worked wonders!

So, today I'm feeling better. I just feel exhausted. I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have to do AND the fact the van is broken AGAIN. I'm starting to wonder if karma isn't punishing me for something. I just want two running vehicles again so I dont' have to get up at 6:30 to take Chuck to work. Good bye t.v. money :(

Last Christmas present...

is on it's way to me!

Yipee!!

Chuck's other Christmas presents were okay, I guess...but I really think he'll like this one. I ordered it on the 15th, hoping and praying that I'd have it NEAR Christmas. On January 2nd, I finally had enough and emailed the company. I just got confirmation that it was shipped today!

So hopefully in 3-5 days I can see if he likes what I picked out for him!

Staples are out!

And Lucas couldn't be happier! He was so proud he wanted to show and tell everyone he was a brave boy and got his staples out!

A little background:

Rewind to Christmas Day evening. Lucas, Zachary, my two nephews and my oldest brother were wrestling and playing and goofing around. It was 9:00 pm. They are all in their jammies. Lucas was wearing his brand new Buzz Lightyear jammies and was so happy to be in them (big surprise!) Chuck had already loaded up the car and it was sitting in my brother's driveway warming up. We're standing at the dining room table, talking to my mom and watching all the boys (the big boys included) wrestle and play and enjoy Christmas as a family. It's always heartwarming to me to see the big boys play too. Anyway, somehow Lucas fell and hit his head on a bookcase. Typically not a big deal.

But he was screaching like I've never heard before and rubbing his head furiously. That's when we noticed the blood. Now, Chuck and I are not stupid people and we definitely don't tend to overreact when something happens to one of the kids, so we're like Okay, let's get some of the bleeding stopped and see what we're dealing with. It was gashed open about an inch or so long and it looked pretty deep. The wound was gaping open. By the time we were able to see anything, Lucas was already done crying. He's such a trooper!

By this time, we're in the kitchen, getting ice. I go into the living room to explain to Zachary that Lucas got hurt and we need to take him to the hospital and he'll be spending the night with Uncle Dan, Uncle Spike, Grandma and Grandpa (which, trust me, didn't hurt his feelings AT ALL!) Go back into the kitchen and Chuck and Uncle Dan are wrapping Lucas' head with an ACE bandage in order to hold the ice in place. I'll have to post pictures because it really was hilarious. Here this kid is: his shoulder covered in blood, eyes a little red from crying with a HUGE bandage wrapped around his head with a lump where the ice was.

So, off to the hospital we go. Me sitting in the back because there was also concern about him having a concussion, and to help settle poor little Lucas.

We only had to wait minutes before being seen to get checked in and then quickly whisked away to the backroom. Lucas was such a trooper!! He was so good and sat on the bed and played with his new Buzz Lightyear toy (Thank God for whoever made Buzz Lightyear). The dr. wanted us to use a cotton ball full of anesthetic to try to get the wound numbed before using the staple gun (which btw, didn't work very well) so we sat putting this cotton ball on his head for 40 minutes. Again, Lucas was just a trooper!

Then came the not so fun part. The actual staples. Chuck held down his body and I held his head still. That was absolutely the worst thing ever. Holding your child down while he's sobbing, his face beet red, crying out "momma!" I felt so horrible...but I also knew it was for the best. 3 staples later and he was done. The minute the last staple was in, Lucas pretty much quit crying. Tough little boy, he is!

So, we left about 2 hours and 5 minutes after we arrived to the hospital with simple instructions: Don't let him take a bath or soak his head. Okay...can do.

Fast forward to today:
We go into the hospital and I tell Lucas that this is the place where mommy will have the baby in the a few months. "Really?" he asks.

They call us back and just put us in the hallway bed...we won't be there long.

Lucas asks "I get my staples out NOW?!"
Me: "Yup!"
Lucas: "No, you have baby first!"
Me: "Um, no, mommy's not going to have the baby for a few more months bubba!"
Lucas: "I get my staples out of my head first then!"
Me: "Yup...now you have to sit up here and be a good boy"
Lucas: "Cuz, I don't want to fall in the ospitle and get more staples in my head"
Me: "Nope. We don't want to do that!"

He was so cute and being so grown up. He whinged about the second one being pulled and jumped a little bit, but otherwise did such a good job being a big boy today! I'm so proud of him!

20 week appt and ULTRASOUND!

Well, I'm 20 weeks now. Almost 21 according to my ticker!

I went back to the dr. today and had my ultrasound. Before I go into those results, let me just talk about the beforehand prep.

Who the hell's idea was it to take a woman who is pregnant with her THIRD child and already has incontinence problems and have her drink 32 oz of water and then hold it? Hmm? Because that person should be shot.

NO kidding. I actually put a freaking pad on so that I wouldn't pee myself if I accidently coughed, sneezed or laughed hard. Because, hell, even on a good day I can do that. Let alone the times I have my bladder full to the point of wanting to throw up because of it.

My husband thought this whole ordeal was miraclously funny. He would have thought it was really funny had I pee'd all over him, because honest to God there was a flood when I finally did go. And then 15 minutes later when I had to go again.

Cruel and unusual punishment was outlawed in our country a long time ago. I wonder if anyone ever told the ultrasound technicians that.

Okay, that off my chest I can get on to the results. The baby is growing perfectly on target. I was measuring at a due date of May 19. Wow. Very close to my original estimate of an actual due date of May 20. I guess I know when I had sex afterall ;) It's a little surreal to me though to have a baby actually of normal size. My boys were so big (9 1/2 lbs, 23 inches and 8 1/2 lbs, 22 1/2 inches) that a baby measuring normal is a little unusual.

The technician couldn't clearly see the brain or all of the body organs. Apparently, this isn't all that uncommon and nothing for reason of concern. My midwife put it very gently that ultrasound travels best through water and not so great through "soft tissue". Read that "fat". I know...I'm not in denial. So we'll have another ultrasound at 28 weeks to make sure everything is okay.

I got a couple of really cute ultrasound pictures...one of the bottom of the little foot. Awe, I just love baby feet!!!

Oh, yea, and did I forget to mention that we are having A GIRL???? I'm freaking ecstatic and somewhat still in shock even though I was pretty sure I was having a girl. I had a hard time enjoying the ultrasound and the moment because of the fact I had to pee so bad, and the boys were not behaving really well. But I started to get teary eyed. When I went in to go pee, I think more than just that was released. I started to cry. I dryed my eyes and went back in the room to be shown to another room to meet with my midwife. I was bawling by that time. Did I mention I'm emotional? I am on a regular basis. Get me pregnant a third time and it's even worse! The nurse asked me "Are you crying because you're happy???" I nodded. I'm having a girl. How can that not make you happy?

Wow...how time flies...

When you're on vacation!

Well, at least a vacation from work! Chuck and I both took off the 3 days between Christmas and New Years so that we could have 11 days off and only use 24 hours of annual leave. It has been ABSOLUTELY wonderful being home together; however, I wish we could have gotten more done. But, considering it is the holidays...and that always means visiting tons of relatives and seeing friends we don't see too often...I should have known better.

One good thing about being off from work is that I've reconnected with my husband. Or at least I feel like I have. Sex is good again. Okay, not to say it was BAD before because when we have it its always good, but it's just never abundant enough for me. Considering we work opposite schedules we don't have too much of an opportunity. Being off together, we've taken lots of opportunities. YAY!

Bad thing is...I realize I really don't want to go back to work. At least not where I am now. I'm dreading going back tomorrow. And in some ways, I'm thinking that maybe I don't want to go back at all. I think I could handle being a SAHM. Even though we could never afford it. I've always thought I would go crazy...but with Zachary in preschool, and me not working nights, I would be having some extra sleep, some alone time with Lucas, and naptimes to myself to catch up on things considering that I got household stuff done while they were up playing. *sigh* All wishful thinking though.

But then again, during this 11 day period I think we've been sleeping at home for like 4 nights. The rest of the time, we've spent seeing Shannon, Barb and Logan; Matt and Karen; my parents; Chuck's parents. And spending the night wherever we go. We've come home, slept, repacked the bag in the morning and left again. But it's been kinda fun. I had an AWESOME time seeing Matt and Karen....there's something so comfortable with them. Granted, Matt, Chuck and I go WAAAY back but I like Karen too. I guess that's what makes it different. I usually don't like my guy friend's wives or girlfriends. But Karen is cool...easy to talk to, down to earth and smart. I like those traits. We played some game with them and it was so much fun...I honestly can't remember the last time we had couple time and spent time as COUPLES doing interactive stuff. I know Chuck throughly enjoyed himself too.

So, now we start a new year...and I hope we can keep connections with our friends better than we did in the last year. They do a body good.

Chocolate is Lucas' crack.

I wish I were kidding.

Hide your candy if you ever come to my house.

Well, I should say "Hide your expensive, imported truffles with creamy hazelnuts centers" because that seems to be his crack of choice right now.

He obviously gets this from his father...as when I get truffles, or most any chocolate for that matter, I bring them home to Chuck...who promptly eats it. Again, as long as it's imported.

I can't tell you how many times "those Hersey hacks" has been heard in my home. I think Lucas has picked up on his father's disdain for normal, everyday American chocolate.

For Christmas, from my boss, I received a VERY large container with Italian hazelnut truffles. Apparently, they are very good...I have yet to try one. Lucas has had several and I'm pretty sure Chuck has gotten into them a couple of times. Chuck even told me to "Keep Lucas out of his truffles". Um, yea, sure. That's gonna happen.

Just this morning, Lucas came to me in the office with his mouth obviously full of something, begging me for a kiss and hug. I give them to him and ask what's in his mouth.

"Nothing" (as chocolatey spittle drips from the corner of his mouth).

By the time I got up from the chair and walked into the living room he was already unwrapping another one.

Well, good news is: imported chocolate only comes around once in a great while. Enjoy it while you can, boys.

Don't know if I can type this without crying...

I'm exhausted.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I'm sick of working. I'm so sick of dealing with stupid, ignorant people. I'm so sick of dealing with people who are my bosses that I have to run around after to make sure that things are completed so I don't have to deal with the shit when it's not.

I'm sick of being a mom...well, that's not really true. I'm sick of being a mom and having a billion things to do other than taking my son to the park. I'm sick of being a mom and expected to be a working woman. I'm sick of being a mom and a wife and a daughter and, and, and, and.....

I know that everyone goes through this. I understand that.

I get angry though at times like these. I get angry at myself for not being able to be perfect at absolutely everything. I get angry at my husband for not understanding why this is all so difficult for me. I get angry with my kids for not cooperating.

And then, apparently, I'm mean. And that's why everyone hates me. Or at least that's the interpretation I get from said husband.

I am mean. I'm mean because I grew up with the mentality that if you are mean, at least SOMETHING gets done. I'm so sick of being nice and NOTHING getting done. I try that again and again and again and then I'm stressed to the max, tired, and still have nothing done. So, yes, I get mean.

I hate that people think I have an ulterior motive for the things I do. I hate that certain people never see all the other stuff I say, think or do to TRY to make things better for our family. To try to change my ways. To try to do special, nice things for my husband. Everything, apparently in some people's opinions, is so that I can look the hero and make myself look better to everyone else.

WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE BECAUSE I WANT TO TRY TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY?

Like planning on getting him an mp3 player, researching types, looking at prices and then having to figure something ELSE to get because his parents already bought him one???? And adding just one more thing to my list to worry about and try to squeeze into a schedule that is already packed full of holiday stuff.

I'm sick of worrying about what other people think of me. And I said at the beginning of 2006 that it was something I wanted to work on. And I have tried. I have said no to certain family obligations. I have cut down from years past on things that we do every weekend...so that we can spend family time. But NONE of that is seen! NONE of that counts at all...it's just never enough.

That's the story of my life...no matter what I do...it's never enough to please everyone. Hell, half the time I can't please anyone.

17 week Dr. Appt

On Monday, I saw Sameerah again. I actually don't see a obstetrician, I see a midwife.

I. LOVE. HER.

Seriously, she's wonderful. She's had 5 children of her own and is just a good hearted, down to earth woman.

But she made me laugh on Monday. After asking how I was feeling, and me explaining that I still feel like shit most days between the fatigue and the nausea...she asked what time I went to bed.

I explained that I normally go to bed about 2 and get up about 7 with the boys and to take Chuck to work (the van has been broken, so we were down to one vehicle). Sameerah exclaimed "2 in the MORNING?" Yep. "NO, that won't do. You need to be in bed by 11 pm. You aren't getting enough sleep." Weeellll, that's when I had to explain that I work until 1 am. I'm lucky if I'm sleeping by 2...it's usually closer to 2:30 am.

So, apparently, my body is run down and that's why I'm still having bouts of nausea and dry heaves. Wonderful.

I also gained 5 lbs. Boo for me. That seemed like a lot for one month but they weren't concerned at all, stating that they expect women to gain 5-10 lbs by 20 weeks. Considering I'm still a net LOSS of 8 lbs, I guess I'm doing ok.

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. It never gets old. 140's to 150's. Lucas thinks its pretty cool too.

Our "big" ultrasound is scheduled for January 3rd. I guess I gotta figure out if I want to know between now and then :)

Aw, my boys

This morning I was showering and I asked Zachary to make himself and his brother some frozen waffles for breakfast.

I have no qualms whatsoever about him getting out the toaster, plugging it in, and cooking the waffles.

This morning, however, I smelled something burning when I got out of the shower. I wrap a towel around myself and ask what's going on.

Zachary's answer?

"I'm cooking"

me: WHAT are you cooking?

Z: well, we toasted some marshmallows.

me: WHAT?

Z: We toasted some marshmallows. But it wasn't hot enough over top of the toaster so we dropped them in.

I check. Sure enough there are MINI marshmallows now blackened charcoal bits in my toaster. One of them is flaming.

So, lessons learned? 1) Marshmallows don't toast in the toaster.
2) Don't leave the mini marshmallows within boys' reach. 3) My kids are smart as hell.

*******************************************************
The boys have also decided on a name for the new baby.

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

Baby Jesus.

Yep. They think Baby Jesus (with the middle name Christ, of course) is the perfect name for our baby if it's a boy.

Chuck said it will go along great with the explitives we sometimes exclaim about the two boys currently :)

Bound, Bound, and Rebound.

So, my husband and my friend Matt told me that my last few posts were a bit harsh. A bit on the ugly, ranting, scary Lisa side. Granted. But like Chuck said "At least she's taking it on the rest of the world, and not on me at home". True nuff.

Last weekend, the boys only had a few minutes before bedtime. And during that time I HATE starting a movie because then they think they should watch the entire thing. The meltdowns that come with me telling them they can't see the end are usually spectacular. So, I don't do that if I can avoid it.

That's why I love movie shorts from Pixar. One in particular is called Boundin' and is on the 2nd disc of The Incredibles (along with Jack Jack Attack which is hilarious if you haven't seen that one).

Anyway, after having a crappy week and being in a crappy mood from all the work stuff, family stuff, etc, etc, etc, Boundin' kinda made me look at my life again in a renewed vision. Something Chuck has been trying to tell me for some time: That I control my moods. My attitude. And that I shouldn't let outside influences make me so upset. That I need to look inside myself for my happiness and peace. Honest to God, I do try. I'm just not very good at it yet.

I wanted to share the story of Boundin' for those that haven't seen it, and to remind myself of what I need to remember.

The story is about a little sheep, all white and fluffy and cute. He dances in the sunshine "showing off his stuff" and all his little prarie friends join him in his dancing. Until the big mean human comes and shears him naked. Then all his friend laugh at him, tell him he's funny looking and *gasp* PINK.

Then along come a jackolope. This is the song that insues:


“Hey kid, why the mope?”

“I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I’d dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that’s not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink.”


“Pink? Pink? Well, what’s wrong with pink?
Seems you’ve got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color?
Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down,
When you find that you’re down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you’re complete!


“Now as for the dancin’, you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you’ll find you’re up in what’s called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you’re up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…”

So in short, for me, I may have been feeling down but take a look around me. I have my health, a great family with a husband who loves me and vica versa, 2 little boys that love me dearly, brothers and parents that care immensely, a job that pays good money and great benefits. So let's just get my head in the right place.

And then I can SOAR.

Last day of NaBloPoMo

and I feel crappy. Still.

First off, I am sitting here writing with the worst case of acid reflux I've had in a while. To the point I want to throw up. Pretty much the same feeling I've had all day long...except stronger now. I hate dry heaving. Sometimes, I wish I would just get it out of my system and be done with it. My boss asked tonight (as I talked to her on the phone...I feel way too shitty and tired to go to work today) if the dr's are going to look into what might be wrong. I explained "I'm pregnant! It could go on my whole pregnancy." Ugh. And the tiredness. I feel like all I've done is slept today and I still feel tired. Come on people! I'm 16 weeks along...shouldn't this feeling be gone by now?

Second off, why does every unexpected bill have to happen right before Christmas? The van died. I'm hoping it doesn't need a new fuel pump and it's just the filter. But until I can get it fixed, I'll be getting up at 7, getting dressed taking him to work so I can have the jeep to take Zachary to preschool...then at 4 pm, rushing up there, picking him up and dropping him off at home with the boys so that I can make it back to work by 4:30. And not be late (because I just got "talked to" about my time issues. This sick day dropped me back to next to nothing.)

Then there's Chuck Driver Responsibility Fees. $250 due 12/20/06 or his license gets suspended. Why does he have to pay these? Because he's gotten 3 tickets in the last year for speeding. Niiice.

Then I got nailed for a bill that went to collections for Lucas's circumcision 2 1/2 years ago!! I think I may have seen one bill for that at some point...but what's up with never sending anything else and then oh...right before Christmas say pay it or we're going to litigation. *sigh* Another $250.

Blech. I'm not close to done shopping either. I hope that tomorrow I'll feel better. I'm going to drink a big glass of milk and see if that will stop the acid reflux. Great. Another dry heave.

Frustration

Complete. utter. frustration.

AT everything. I think the hormones are kicking in hard core.

The boys have broken 3 christmas ornaments because they were screwing around with them after repeatedly being told and KNOWING not to. One was Zachary 2003 annual ornament from Grandma and Grandpa. One was one that was made for me when I was a teen. The other was one of my Grandmothers Christmas bulbs that were on her tree that I remember growing up. *sigh* The last one I think I have left, because the other got broken last year (I didn't even put them on the tree last year. Zachary got into the Christmas box and shattered them).

The house is in shambles. I'm trying. I really, really am. I did dishes for about an hour today, maybe more. But I think now after dinner there is more there than before. Okay, so maybe not, but damn near.

People at work don't understand the meaning of Christmas. I'm so sick of everyone thinking that *someone* must have an agenda. Christmas is a time of giving, whether its a needy person within someone's church or a needy person off the street. They are still needy, right?A lot of the people want to do a "White Elephant"...I'm not participating this year. It's not that I don't enjoy a good grab and steal game of White elephant. But, I'd rather spend my $10 to buy a gift for Toys for Tots than to give a gift to someone who could have A) bought it themselves and B) probably have ABSOLUTELY no use for it, and maybe throw it out when they got home. Quite frankly, I don't have any room for useless stuff either. I'm trying to clean out what I have now by donating to Goodwill and charity auctions to try to make room in this house for FIVE of us. I guess in my thinking there are people out there that could use that $10 item or just that $10 donation.

Speaking of work, a co-worker JUST found out tonight that I'm pregnant. I announced it over a month ago at our last staff meeting. Now granted, that person was not present at our staff meeting; however, I send out meeting notes...and the VERY FIRST line was that I was pregnant. Why do I bother typing up and sending out notes? Why do I bother with email or manuals or notes at all? No one reads them!!!! Instead, they ask me 8 billion questions a night.

On the good front, I found the Color Wonder Sprayer!!!!! I actually bought two, one for my friend who's daughter also wanted one. A huge thanks to Amanda and Kathleen for helping me to get one for Zachary. He'll be one happy little boy come Christmas morning!

A little perterbed.

I don't even know if that's how you spell it. But that's what I am!

WHY can't I comment on some people's blogs? Is it because they have Beta and I've been too afraid to change? I get the box for comment verification but all I see is a red x!

So to anybody who I normally read and haven't commented on lately, I'm sorry! I'm still reading but I can't comment and there have been some things I'd really like to comment on too! :)

We have baby movement!

O.M.G! How could I have forgotten to post this?

I laid down today after laying down with the boys for their naps. I was laying in my bed...just maxing and relaxing and I felt the baby kick. STRONG too. It was completely unmistakeable!

I held my breath, laying there, waiting for it to happen again...and alas it didn't. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow. My next dr. appt isn't until December 11 and then I get to schedule the ultrasound!!

I'm starting to get a little excited to find out what we are having. I'm still not 100% sure I want to, but I found the cutest crib quilt that I wanted to make (if it IS a girl) but I decided not to buy it until after I know for sure. But, oh, it was so cute!