Too crunchy to be mainstream...

and yet to mainstream to be crunchy.

Ever think that once you left high school you were all done being pigeon-holed into one stereotype or another? I did. I reveled in going to college so that I could start all over again and meet new people and have new experiences. Plus, I had hoped that I wouldn't be put into any one category. Because, quite frankly, I don't fit into one category.

Enter mom-dom.

Seriously, I don't fit in anywhere in the mom-dom world. I'm too crunchy to be mainstream and I'm too mainstream to be crunchy. Once again, I'm in a world where neither side accepts the strange and unusual in the case of the mainstreamers nor the unintelligent and sheeple according to the crunchies.

What the hell am I talking about to those who have no idea?

Well, as I've had more children I've become decidedly more crunchy. My husband has informed me of this numerous times.

*I breastfeed. I'm trying to make it to one year this time, we'll see how that pans out. E was without formula for the first 7 1/2 weeks of her life. I am very proud of that fact considering that both my boys had formula before leaving the hospital. This time we've been a bit more successful. I guess Momma is a little more comfortable this time around.
*I co-sleep. And it's not so much that I do it because I feel the kids HAVE to be close to me. I do it for ease and more sleep. My 3 and 5 year old still come and co-sleep with me some nights. Zachary- not so much now that his baby sister was born but there is still that rare occasion. And Elizabeth sleeps in her crib until 5 or 6 when I usually bring her to bed with me to feed. Breastfeeding is wonderful for co-sleeping and momma getting some actual sleep!
*I baby-wear. With the boys we had a hiking back-pack. Now I have a Moby-wrap. I. LOVE.IT! When I was still on maternity leave, I would wear it around the house to cook dinner because it was inevitably the time she would be the most fussy. She would settle right down. Now, I wear it for walks, hiking, to the grocery store, mowing the lawn, wherever! I'm looking at getting a Mei-Tei next.
*I cloth diaper. Quite frankly, I've become a bit of an addict. I'm constantly watching my diaperswappers.com board to be on the lookout for good deals. I've recently found that I'm in love with Fuzzi Bunz. I was a little sad going on vacation and not having Elizabeth in cute little cd butt! Honestly, it's the only thing that holds up some of her 0-3 month pants!!!


But then there are those mainstream things I do that the crunchy sect just can't get over. And being slightly crunchy in the above areas doesn't mean a lick because I'm unintelligent and uninformed because I do these things:

*I vaccinate my children. Completely. I don't skip vaccines, I don't delay vaccines, and I don't give my ped crap about it.
*I'm planning on putting my oldest on mood stabilizing drugs. I have no problem also working on his diet and cutting out things like red dye #40 (which I already started working on) but from dealing with the chemical imbalances in my husband, I'm pretty damn sure Zachary will really, really benefit from medication.
*I circumcised my boys. This is a *big* one. We did do research on this. It was not a decision Chuck and I made lightly. And yes, I said Chuck and I. Because contrary to some woman's beliefs, even though I pushed out the child, he is not mine alone and his father should and did have say in whatever we decided to do. From the research that we saw, nothing was 100% one way or the other. So it was basically a personal choice, and we made that choice together.

I guess my point is: no matter where you go or how old you are, people will stereotype you. There is still that opinion out there that "you can't hang with us, if you do that, because you are stupid". And I just want to say GROW UP! We're 30 somethings, right? Why can't you just accept that maybe they don't do it *your* way but that's not wrong....for THEM.

The idea that because you aren't one way OR the other means that you are unintelligent or uneducated is simply offensive.

Rar!!! This is why I want to be on vacation!

While our weather wasn't wonderful, at least I wasn't working.

*sigh* I'm so sick and tired of the defensiveness, the lack of intelligence, and the ineptitude for handling individuals. I bring up points that are completely bringing down morale within my work unit, and I'm told that no one has said that and that I'm just basically being bitchy and snippy. Um, hello. NO one tells the uppers this because they don't want to be singled out, picked on and reprimanded. I, as the lead worker, try to bring things to light and make things a little bit better and am told, basically, this is my decision, who cares if no one likes it and it makes the whole unit on edge and disgustedly unmanageable, I'm not going to change because I "have faith that we'll pull through this okay".

Yea, right.

Now this is just weird!

So we were camping for the last 6 days. Resort style camping, which if truth-be-told, I'm not 100% sold on yet. I don't like the sterile-ness of it, I guess. The feeling of being packed in like sardines (even though there wasn't anyone on our entire road!) there was picnic table after picnic table and only very small trees to be seen. Imagine a large corn field, with cable, WIFI, electricity, sewer, water and roads and you have the "camping" we did this last week.

However, I'm totally 100% sold on having a heated pool at the campground. So I guess you give some and you take some, right?

The boys had a great time and that's what really matters. I guess in the grand scheme of things whether I have a ton of trees around me isn't as important as seeing the ones I love having a good time and me not being at work. So that being said it was a successful camping trip, despite the windstorms, lightening, thunder, and torrential downpour that threatened to tear our trailer apart. Zachary sat up until at least 11 pm last night anxious as all get-out that the lightening would hit us and we would fry. He was sitting curled up in a little ball in the camp chair while Chuck and I tore down the screen tent. Poor kid. He did crash hard when he crashed.

But what I find weird is that I went 4 hours from my home to run into an old friend. She and I showed 4-H together...her younger brother is actually my age...and we really became more friendly because her cousin was my best friend from 3rd grade to 9th grade when she moved away. It was really cool to catch up on old times and find out what my bff was doing now (I lost touch with her when she went to Turkey to be a missionary) and to get to know one another as moms. She has three kids as well, 8, 6 and 4 and just backwards of mine...Boy and then 2 girls. Her son is also sooo similar to my Zachary...it was funny talking to her and saying "OMG! Zachary does that too!" Heartwarming and comforting to hear that we aren't the only ones going through it...not only with Zachary, but with the grandparents not really understanding, friends wondering whats wrong with your son, etc.

So, I guess my fortune cookie had more in store for me than I thought!

Hmph.

My fortune cookie tonight at the Chinese restaurant read:

You will be reunited with old friends by the end of the month.

Weird. Past count up 4.

I have 3 other blog posts started. But it seems like everytime I get a chance and the inclination to sit down and write in my blog, something seriously odd crops up that makes me want to write and then my other blog posts sit.

After my last post, a comment was made from a gentleman named Dave. It was really more directed at my hubby than at me. But being who I am...I kinda ran with it. Dave was a very old, very good friend of my husband's. Pre-Lisa time. He found my blog and decided to leave Chuck a message saying hi. The curiosity of how he found my site got the better of me, so I googled him and sent him an email. Turns out he still lives close, still has a lot in common with Chuck (or so his site would seem to say) and has some in common with me in the fact that we both know and use sign language. Hmmm.

So Chuck and I were discussing this today and he brought up how past-filled the last few months have been. About 2 months ago, Chuck's ex-wife contacted him regarding an old business matter. There has been virtually no contact whatsoever in the last 10 yrs we've been together. Then, WHAM!, out of the blue. An email from her.

Then a few weekends ago, Chuck went to Home Depot to get some things for E's room. He was there by himself and was fixing some things in the truck when someone said something to him. Turns out that it's one of his old friends from a past job. His girlfriend, now wife, Lisa was also with him and about 5 months pregnant to boot! Wow! This was actually one couple friend that we had that we both liked the other half :) (Oh wait...I adore Matt and Karen...so I guess that makes 2). So they exchange numbers and go on their way.

Then last weekend, about 20 minutes after we get home from the baptism, the phone rings. It turns out to be a VERY good friend of Chuck's and I's that we kinda lost contact with. Being working parents, on opposite shifts, we tend to lose contact with lots of people. (Well, maybe that's just an excuse. We were never very good at keeping contact with people even before the kids.) Steve was in our wedding and Chuck was in Steve's wedding; and Steve called to say that he was now living in Tennessee and had just signed divorce papers that day. Again, another person reaching out completely out of the blue.

A part of me wonders what exactly this all means. What's going on? Why all of this now? I hope it's nothing bad...like Chuck is going to have some health issues and this is God's way of trying to clean up loose ends. *shiver* Yea, hopefully nothing like that.

But I guess I (for one) will take it as a chance to have a second opportunity for friends. :)

Quick picture.

I'm back. I hope to be posting more again. Things are going to be slowing down I hope. Vacation is next week and then Zachary starts school Sept 4 but at least there is some major projects done. So for now I leave you with a family picture :)

Great news is abound!

First, we have a babysitter on Saturday night!!! I am so excited! I honestly can't remember the last time Chuck and I went out together. I could probably look back in my posts and figure it out, but if you consider I don't have the patience to search for things, that's not gonna happen. However, it's a new babysitter and I'm starting to have some anxieties about it. She comes highly recommended by a good friend of mine, but I don't have a cell phone so how can she get ahold of me if something happens? And I think we may be leaving Elizabeth with her....she says she babysits another family with three children, one being an infant, and she's perfectly comfortable with it. Doesn't mean I'm necessarily comfortable with it. I'm going to have to let someone watch E at some point though! We're going to see Harry Potter *drool*! I'm so excited to see this movie...and I'm getting the new book Friday night after work! Some days it pays to work until 1 am!!

Second thing: We are finally starting to finish Elizabeth's room! And we got one hell of a deal. After calling the place that was recommended to me and them wanting $500 to $700 to hang one wall of drywall and finish all 4 walls, I thought for sure we were going to have to finish the drywall ourselves. Not my favorite job, particularly. I did it in Zachary and Lucas' room but it took forever. I'd kinda like Elizabeth in her own room sometime sooner than 2 years from now! :p So I called a local guy and he wants $160 plus the cost of drywall and mud!! Sweet! He's starting tomorrow morning. I may be able to paint my little girls room this weekend. I can't wait to set her room up with the little fairies that we have. Shoot, I need to finish her quilt too!!

So much to do, so little time. I feel like I'm running on a high tonight. Maybe I've had too much sugar...or maybe I'm excited things are going the right way for a change.

How can you not love this face?

She's smiling sooo much now and I finally was quick enough to get a shot of it.

And yes, she's wearing a barrette. Her bangs are getting so long they are in her eyes, so I'm trying to find barrettes that actually will stay in her hair! That's proving to be a difficult challenge as her hair is so fine and she moves so much they slip out.

It's 4:50 am and I'm up with her. Sometimes it's so nice to have this quiet time, early in the morning to breastfeed her and spend some time one on one. However, I also know the boys are going to be up in about 2 1/2 hours and I need more sleep. Hmmm, the quandry. Doesn't matter thought what I want...Miss E has her own schedule. Normally she does pretty good about coinciding with mine, but there are those instances. ;)

Friends

I've seen the saying before that Friends are God's way of apologizing for family.

I sometimes think thats so true. I'm having issues with my brother now who I feel is being pretty selfish. But that's a whole post in itself.

But tonight my BFF came down to bring the boys' their birthday presents and meet Miss Elizabeth. Yea, it's been a couple of months but she's been out of state or we've been camping so it hasn't worked out till now.

I love Sandy. We've been friends since we were 3 and started preschool together. We went through a period of time there in early high school where we weren't super close because I didn't like her friends, nor her behaviors, but overall we've been super close for a very long time. My kids call her Aunt Sandy as a matter of fact, and they were almost uncontrollable this morning because they were so excited. Now that's not to say that we haven't had our own issues, afterall we are close enough to be sisters. But it all comes back to we are there for each other no matter what.

Well, she came down this evening and we had such a wonderful evening. We all went out to dinner and she played Sponge Bob on the Leapster with Zachary while he sat on her lap. Then when we came home they played Playstation together and Lucas and her played Matchbox cars. I guess what makes her so special to me is that she thinks of the kids. She plays with them. She enjoys spending time with them. And that makes her special to me in such a different way.

She still my BFF but our relationship has transcended the high school and college friendships. She's an aunt to my kids. A friend to my husband. And a sister to me. I guess as I get older relationships need to change and grow. What I appreciated in a friend before was someone to go out and drink with. Be crazy driving around stealing road signs with.

And now, I appreciate someone who understands that I love my family AND them. I appreciate someone who thinks of a good time as hanging out at the house, playing with the kids and having good conversation with each other.

That's not to say I don't love a good drink every now and again ;)

Elizabeth turns 2 months old.

Already I'm wondering where the heck the time went. She looks so big to me already. And soooo much like Lucas. I'm in love, that's one thing I know for sure.

I hate to say it, because I know that it's going to make me sound like a bad mom. Like I'm favoring one child over another. But there is something very different with Elizabeth, my last child, my daughter. I can't put my finger on it though.

I tried talking to Chuck about it, but he told me that guys just don't think that way. I wonder if it's because I *know* for certain that this is my last child. I wonder if it's because this is the first time that I haven't suffered from PPD. I wonder if it's because she's my *daughter* and there's already a special mom/daughter bond. I wonder if its because I have exclusively breastfed from day one. I wonder if it isn't the dynamic of our family now; seeing my boys as big brothers. Maybe it's a combination of all those things. It doesn't make me love her anymore than my boys. It's just I've enjoyed her more. I've enjoyed this infancy stage infinitely more. I've enjoyed breastfeeding, not more, just enjoyed it!

Like I said earlier, it's just hard to put my finger on. So maybe I'll quit trying. Maybe instead of trying to figure out my motivations, I'll just enjoy Elizabeth. And her brothers. And her daddy.

My family.

10 years together

I can't believe it.

Well, I can't believe two things really.

#1 That 10 years ago today, Chuck and I hooked up and started dating.

#2 I forgot this "anniversary" was today until about 1/2 hour ago.

I normally remember this well in advance and have a card, little gift, something for him...and he usually remembers as well and gives me great sex. Just like that fateful night. LOL! Kidding (kind of).

I had a party at my parents' house for the 4th of July. Working at a camp, we all still had to work the 4th, but the 5th was a Saturday. So I had a TON of people at my parents' house. That was my first, and only, party at mom and dad's. I was 20. Considering that I never had a party at my parents' before I didn't know the things to look for to clean up. Like the cigarette butts in the flower planters, the 20 glasses in the sink, or the puke under the bathroom rug. Unfortunately, no I'm not kidding about that.

But I digress. I look back over the past 10 years and wonder where the hell the time went. Never in a million years had I thought that we'd be where we are now...married for almost 6 years with 3 beautiful children....when I said "yea, sure" at my mom and dad's. It was just going to be a summer fling. When I went back to college that was it. Boy was I wrong.

I don't know when I fell in love with him. I just know that when I went back to college I couldn't stop thinking about him...and I couldn't wait to see him and tell him all the crazy things about the week. I still feel like that. I look forward to 2:45 pm every day when he walks through the door. I save up stuff to tell him...unfortunately some days it's just ranting about how horrible my morning was with the kids...but I know he's there for me and can sympathize with me. I enjoy my husband and I miss him dearly now that I'm working again.

People kept saying how hard it must be for me to leave Elizabeth and go back to work. That's not been too tough. I get to see my kids all day long. The tough part has been not being able to see, talk to, spend time with, and enjoy my husband every evening.

True enough we've been through some shit. When we moved in together back 9 years ago, it was a tough transition. And we've had several transitions throughout the years...3 of those times being named Zachary, Lucas and Elizabeth. But we've made it through and I think in some ways I feel closer to him then back in new love times. Because we have made it through all these things TOGETHER. And in being together, it has made us stronger.

I love you.

Zachary and the Dr.

We went back to the dr. today for Zachary. This was the day I was looking forward to and simultaneously dreading for the last 2 months. It's the day that the dr. explained his findings and let us know what he thought. Don't get me wrong...I'm so glad that someone believed us and saw what we saw so we can help Zachary achieve to the best of his ability. But a part of me is just so very sad and anxious to know the very hard work and struggle we have in front of us.

One of the tests that they did with Zachary was an IQ test. He's testing Superior to Very Superior. That's like 1-5 % of the population that tests that well. Dr. Glovinsky recommended that he not go into mainstream classes but instead is in a curriculum enriched program to challange him and help him not become a discipline problem...since his other issues will allow him to do that.

In short, they haven't labeled him as anything except unique. We will be seeing a psychiatrist now to go on meds though. Most likely a mood stabilizer to begin with. Maybe that will be all he has to have...maybe he'll have to be on a stimulant later...we just don't know. We're going to be taking it slow with the meds but there is clearly a biological issue and all the behavioral training isn't going to make that part of it go away. After the med is stabilized then we'll start some serious behavioral training. Basically, Dr. described Zachary as a diesel locomotive. He gets going and basically doesn't know how and can't put on the brakes himself. He has sooo many things going on in his head that he can't shut his brain down (which is why naptime and bedtimes are so hard for him). But it's why it's also important that he has a naptime or rest period...it allows him to rest and clear his head. He definitely shows the precedence for mood swings which leads to the bipolar aspect (as his dad and aunt have it). Dr. Glovinsky is requesting a conference with the school closer to school time to discuss how best to get Zachary's behavior under wraps while still giving him the intellectual stimulation that he has to have. ONe of the options that might happen is he won't get a normal recess time...because that's one period of the day that is unstructured and the biggest problem time of the day for Zachary.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what all the guidelines will be yet....or what changes we'll have to make. It's going to take some more time. But at least he saw what we saw and we can get some help now.

But I'm having anxieties and worries none the less. It's part of who I am.
LIKE:

Did we do wrong by our first child by having the others? Did we do wrong by Luke and Elizabeth considering all the attention that Zachary takes up and now all the different things he’ll be doing/going through/experiencing?

I don’t want any of my children to feel slighted. They are all equally important to me. They just all have different needs. But will they understand that at ages 3 and 5? Or even 3, 6 and 8?

I know there is nothing we can do now but deal with what we have. I wouldn’t have NOT had Elizabeth and Lucas. I love them both dearly and they have such special qualities that make them so endearing to me, make me laugh, make me cry. My concern is that they all know how incredibly special they are; even if Zachary is the only one to be in a special program or get special attention for schooling. Maybe that means I have to make sure the other 2 get special attention for soccer or ballet or something.

Eh, I’m rambling now. My mind is thinking of all the worst case scenarios and I’m having a hard time seeing the best case scenarios. I’m just feeling antsy tonight. Probably the 3 pieces of cake I had and 2 Mt. Dews on top of the anxiety of seeing the dr. today.

I’m worried that we won’t be able to provide the best type of schooling for Zachary. We just simply don’t have the money available to us to pay a $7,000 tuition. And the talented and gifted programs have nearly all been cut due to budget constraints. That’s not all he needs to help him succeed but it will surely help. I find it so frustrating that everywhere we turn we are running into obstacles with Zachary. First, it was finding people to see what we saw. Then, having a freaking dr. return my calls. Third, getting insurance to pay for it. Which didn’t happen so Dr. Glovinsky did it pro-bono. Now, once we know what we need, being able to find it. And lastly, being able to afford it.

And that’s just the school part of it. That’s not even touching how the drugs are going to make him feel and react. I remember going through the titration with Chuck and it’s not pretty. It’s very scary at times and definitely taxing on the whole family. Is that going to cause more anxiety for Zachary? Will it even work? (My hunch is yes, for some of his symptoms). Will just being on the meds make it so that all the other symptoms go away? (My hunch is no). I don’t really want my son to be taking a cocktail of drugs….but then again Dr. stated today that is exactly what he doesn’t want either. But what I really don't want is to lose his spirit. I want to see that super sensitive, sweet, thoughtful, wonderful little boy he is about 75% of the time. I don't want to break him, just help him harness it all and be successful and happy.

Just a quick picture for now....

I had my six week check up on Friday. I'm down 32 lbs from my PRE-pregnancy weight!! Woohoo!! I would LOVE to lose 20 more lbs in the next 6 weeks (for Elizabeth's baptism). I know I've done it before, so we shall see.

I've been able to exclusively breastfeed Elizabeth this entire time. Another big woohoo in my book!

I'm back to work as of Monday...so there'll be more posts from me. I'm not happy about being back but I'm trying to stay positively focused on my family and not the bullshit at work and hopefully not get as stressed out about all things as I was before. Having 6 weeks at home with the kids re-defined my priorities again....for the better.

Elizabeth's birth story

6 weeks later and I've already started to forget some details I'm sure. I wanted desperately to capture every moment by writing in a journal; but I forgot to get a journal and it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway considering it all went so extraordinarily fast.

I went on May 11 to see Sameerah my mid-wife for a end of the pregnancy ultrasound and NST. I was 39 weeks and 1 day at that point. I wasn't too worried about the ultrasound because I have had a couple of big kids and they have done ultrasounds with both of them as well. My normal sitter had just had her second baby a week before and another friend had her baby that Monday so I was out of options to have someone watch the boys for me...so along they went for the ride, armed with their leapsters and promises to be very, very good for mommy and they would get to see their baby sister on the t.v. screen.

So, the ultrasound went okay. The boys behaved well, I got to see the little thing on the screen. Luke had to go to the bathroom so he went in and Zachary went in as well to help keep an eye on Luke. Zachary about 2 minutes later stepped out with a sterile cup that Luke had peed in. Guess he'd visited the midwife with mommy a few too many times! LOL.

On to the NST where they boys weren't behaving so well, and as always they had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat with that monitor. And try to keep it there? Forget it. But they didn't have to for long. Sameerah came in and asked how I felt about an induction. I told her I didn't want one....I did that before and had a bad time of it. She went on to explain that what they were measuring during the ultrasound was amniotic fluid levels and normal is about an 8. They start to get worried at a 6. Mine were a 4. She wanted that baby out that night. I, of course, agreed. I didn't want an induction but for a medical reason I wouldn't refuse either. She assured me she doesn't like to use pitocin and that would be an absolute last resort. I was to meet her at the hospital at 6 pm that evening. This is about 1:5o pm. Cool...Chuck could get home, Mom and Dad would have time to drive to the house to get the boys....no problems. But then it started getting a little hairy. Baby Elizabeth wasn't being reactive. They wanted her heartbeat to spike and it wasn't...they had it, and it was staying steady but that wasn't what they wanted to see. So they let me use the phone call my mom and dad to get them on their way and made me promise I'd get to the hospital ASAP. I called Chuck at work and he was getting out in 5 minutes anyway...but just to prepare him. I hightailed it home...my heart pounding that something was wrong...it was all moving too fast....what if she wasn't okay?....and on and on and on. At least the boys fell asleep so they didn't see me crying on the way home. I didn't want them to be worrying too.

I got home and Chuck carried the boys in and got my bag to the car. About 5 minutes later my little brother Dan showed up to watch the boys until Mom and Dad got there. He was close by when Mom called him and he said they were too far away and he'd go to our house so we could get to the hospital.

We got to the hospital about 3:45. They hooked me up to the monitors, etc. and got the baby's heartbeat right away. About 4:15 Sameerah arrived and checked my dilation. I was already at 3 cm dilated. Hooray! At 4:30 they inserted the prostaglandin suppository and then I had to stay hooked up to the monitors for like another 1 1/2 hours. Laying in bed with the contractions was the worst!!! As soon as I could I got out of bed and walked for 1/2 hour and then decided I really wanted to try the jacuzzi tub. I hadn't had a chance with the other two...so in I went. It was awesome! I was so relaxed. I, of course, still felt the contractions but it was so much easier to deal with. At some point, about 7:45 or so, my mom and dad showed up to say hi. Mom thought it was pretty cool, laboring in the tub. I got out and they checked me at about 8:45 and I was at 7 cm dilated. I decided not to have the epidural at that point. I figure that if I came to a 7 without one I could deal with the rest, but I did have a shot of pain meds just to take the edge off. Mom and Dad left about 9:00 because the pains were getting pretty bad and I was concentrating a lot on that and having a hard time talking. Plus, they wanted to go home and put the boys into bed. During that time, I was having an incredible urge to push. Chuck started yelling at me to breath through the contractions because I started holding my breath. After that contraction was over, I told him and the nurse I was trying so hard not to push. She checked me and said it was almost time. She left the room to go pee and the next contraction sent me onto my side SCREAMING. (This by far was my loudest birth!) I started pushing...I couldn't help it...Chuck was talking to me...no one else was in the room...but they came in after hearing me screaming that's for sure!!! I remember hearing Sameerah ask where the medical student was...she needed to get in there NOW if she wanted to see the birth! Then Sameerah asked me if I wanted to deliver on my side or back...I told her I didn't care. She suggested I get on my back and Chuck and the nurse got my legs up for me. By that time Elizabeth was crowning. I pushed twice and then fell backwards onto the bed as the rest of the birth happened on it's own. At 9:26 pm Elizabeth was born. I cried, Chuck cried. It was awesome. They laid her on my bare chest and I had tears streaming down my cheeks. She was beautiful.

They took her after a while to the warmer and Chuck went over there with her for weighing, etc and I remembered to make sure they checked that she was a girl! LOL I laid there and looked at them, quiet, slightly crying and the nurse asked me if I was okay. I explained I'm just an emotional person and that it all happened so fast I felt sad. So happy to see my baby girl, but wow. It was fast. She had pinprick bruising on her face and a bloodshot eye because of it too.

She was born May 11, 2007, 9:26 pm. 8 lbs. 7 1/4 oz and 21 inches long. She had a ton of hair and it was dark with blonde highlights in it. She looked like she'd already been to her first beauty appt!

We called my mom and dad and they were shocked that I had her already. They came back up, with my SIL Kelly in tow too. The next morning the boys came up and ooh'd and aah'd over their sister as well. They doted on her so much!

Oh yea, and don't forget about daddy! He was one proud pappa...and still is!

Our family is complete.

She's HERE!

Baby Elizabeth is HERE! She was born May 11, 2007 at 9:26 pm. I don't have a lot of time right now and my computer is crashed at home :( so I'll fill in all the details later.

But I am alive and doing well as well as Elizabeth Grace. She's so precious...I have a ton of pics but can't upload any because of the library computer. So ya'll have to wait!

The labor and delivery was very easy and I got to labor in the jacuzzi tub for most of the time and I went without an epidural this time! Yay me! This was the perfect delivery for my last baby.

I ended up having to be "induced" but actually it was just a gentle nudge as I was already 3 cm when I got to the hospital. But I had an ultrasound at 1:15 on May 11 and they said that they wanted her out that night since my amniotic fluid was dangerously low. So I called the hubby and my parents and went to the hospital soon after that. I was given a prostaglandin suppository and 5 hours later she was born!

The boys are having some behavioral issues that I'm sure are due to having the baby at home but they aren't taking it out on her...just the opposite really, they are CONSTANTLY kissing and hugging her. Poor Elizabeth! She'll be sooo overprotected between her daddy and two older brothers!

I hope to have some pics up sometime soon and a little more on the birth and the wonderful feelings of contentment (most of the time) with having 3 kids.

Well, after 9 months...

I'm feeling GREAT! Nope, no baby yet but I'm feeling so happy tonight and full of energy. I was just walking around our unit at work singing an old song by Miami Sound Machine and thinking "if I wasn't so dang big I would be dancing right now!"

I think I've finally rested up some and the stress of the boys' birthday party, all 4 of us being sick with the pukies, Luke's birthday and 3 dr's appt all last week has lifted. I got some rest, some great sex and feel good now. AND I had about 3 hours to myself this morning while the boys' were in school to do whatever I wanted.

I watched A Baby Story, folded up and put away baby clothes and took a nap. Not all that exciting but it felt good.

Now, we just have Zachary's birthday yet to go on Wednesday and then the birth at any time. Oh, plus I have to register my big boy for kindy on Thursday :( That's going to be hard I think. I'm already feeling a little sad about that. I saw him this weekend in his booster seat in the van with his brand new baseball cap, his sunglasses and his new portable cd player rocking out to JoJo's Circus and he looked like he was about 15. Okay, well, maybe I was just imagining him as 15 but he did look so grown up. The years have gone by so fast.

And now we embark on yet another child. Another one to look at in 5 years and wonder "where the hell did the time go? Did I spend it wisely? Did I play enough? Did I make a mark on my child that I want him/her to remember?" I hope so. Last night at bedtime Zachary told me "I love you, did you know that? I love our family and how it is. And when you and Daddy die, you will stay in my heart forever and ever and ever. Even when I die you'll still be there".

I think that maybe I have made a mark.

All dressed up....

And just the cafeteria to go to!

We had a recognition program today at work for those dedicated servants to the government of our State. We had bottled water and cookies and EVERYTHING. LOL. Well, with the huge defecit that our state is in, I couldn't expect much. The director of our division even made it a point to state that the government money did not pay for our "refreshments" they were paid for by our bureau and division directors. Hooray for them.



But I had to come in on days for the ceremony, if you will. So I figured since I would be hob-knobbing with the big wigs it might be a good idea if I dressed up a little. So I put on my nicest outfit that still fits my whale of a body and even had Zachary dig out my high heels since the only other shoes I have right now is a pair of brown flats and a pair of flip-flops. Neither saying "Hey, I'm a professional". So I had a friend at work take a pic of me for posterity.

Here I am at almost 38 weeks...I had ditched the heels at this point though! :)

After seeing this pic I have determined a couple of things:

1. I need my hair colored BAD!

2. Black is VERY slimming. I look much smaller in that pic than I do in real life, FO SHO.

3. I need to work on losing weight after the baby comes. I'm not very happy with the extra chin.

In case you were wondering....

I'm still pregnant.

Yep, no little girl over here yet. I know, I know I'm only 37 weeks but OMG come on already! I'm really not comfortable much anymore. Seems like the best sleep I get is in the lazy boy between 7 am (when Zachary has been waking me up) and 9:00 am when I have to take him to preschool! But I can feel her moving around in there, making me realize that it's a little person and she'll come when she's good and ready. Even if it is closer to her actual due date!

I've had some nesting instinct. I guess you could say that anyways! I've cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, literally. Washed the walls, the floor, the cupboards, all the appliances, the windows and the curtain. I've cleaned the bathroom the same way and got down on my hands and knees last weekend to clean behind the toilet and the sink. I've washed down all the doors and gotten all the cobwebs and fuzzies from every nook and cranny in every room. I've dusted the living room furniture and today went through and polished and conditioned all the wood. I don't think my house has been this cleaned since we moved in!

But, at this point if she wants to wait until after the ninth I think I'd be okay with that. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I really would rather go out for dinner on my 30th bday than have a baby. May 1 is Luke's 3rd birthday. May 5 is Luke and Zachary's birthday party and then May 9 is Zachary's 5th birthday. So, if we can hold off till after all that and allow the boys to have their own special days and a great party, I'd be okay with that.

Last weekend I was starting to get really really nervous about labor and delivery. Trying to determine how much it was going to hurt. How bad I wanted to try with no painkillers this time. How much it was going to hurt ;) But I guess I've calmed about that now. I know what's going to happen is going to happen with labor. Nothing I can really do to stop it. If only I could feel that calm about the rest of the 3 weeks!!

Random Facts about yours truly!

So, a big thank you to Hannah for giving me the topic of my post today! She tagged me on her blog so I figured I should probably make a go of this and give you all some tasty little tidbits about my life.

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. When I was about 7 years old, my brother and I were racing to the house. I beat him. He punched me in the back. Back then, when I cried I would literally stop breathing as well. Which I did. And then I passed out and collapsed face first onto the concrete. My gums bled for hours and all my front teeth were loose. I had to be rushed to the dentist and from that point on, my teeth have always been weaker and I have LOTS of chips in them from that day...and other fights...with my brothers.

2. I'm a Mt. Dew-aholic. I really tried to cut that down during this pregnancy but until recently I was still drinking a 20 oz a day. Now Chuck is trying to cut it out as well (he's a Mt. Dew-aholic too) so I'm not drinking it either!

3. I talk to myself in the shower. I have some of my absolute best thoughts, ideas and conversation replays in the shower. I think it's because it's one of the few times of the day that I'm totally relaxed and ALONE. I've always done this. That's probably why my showers take 25 minutes.

4. I'm a slob. I really am and always have been. The last 3 days however, I've become a bit of a neat freak. Can you say "nesting instinct"? Hehehehe.

5. I like to eat. Well, not so much at this moment because I feel like a huge bloated whale and putting food into my mouth takes a lot of energy, but normally I am. I've blogged about this before. I love sweets. But not chocolate.

6. I lost my virginity to my husband. Not many people in this country can say that. Well, at least not many my age.

7. I raised rabbits when I was younger. A lot of them. Like over 300 at my prime of show days. I was National Rabbit Queen...and at that point in time, I was the youngest queen ever. I still wish somedays I was showing. But it's pretty time consuming. I still get asked to judge 4-H events occassionally, but when I was 16 I was on my way to becoming a sanctioned judge. I decided not to go through with it because of school, college etc. Now I kinda wished I had.

Now I get to tag people...but I don't know many people reading my blog anymore! I've been so sporadic in writing. So here I go...MLA, Christi, NoName, Julie, Diana. (Okay, so that's only 5 but I can't think of anymore that haven't done it or been tagged already!)

Virginia Tech shootings

It's a tragedy.

That much is absolutely for sure.

But this is also a tragedy that could have, possibly, been avoided. How?

Not by taking away weapons, or even semi-automatic weapons, from the citizens of our FREE country. But by paying attention to people. In today’s day and age, everyone is only concerned about themselves. I’m guilty of that as well. If it’s not directly affecting myself, my family or my friends, I have a hard time feeling directly affected by the events. However, within recent years that’s changed a bit (definitely since 9/11).

Professors who noticed this man’s strange and dangerous behavior needed to do something. People who recommended that he seek counseling should have notified the school. There were lots of clues that they were dealing with a completely unstable individual. He was loosely linked to 2 bomb threats. Within a campus, professors, teachers and law enforcement need to be working together and have good, open communication.

Because taking away guns, that were purchased legally, would not have stopped this tragedy. This man was hell-bent on creating panic, killing people and making a name for himself. And the media has done that for him, that’s for sure. Someone who is going to go through the process to legally purchase guns, think ahead of time to take locks and chains with him to the engineering building and write a rambling suicide note, would have very well carried out this mission by building a bomb and could have killed lots more people. Or for that matter, he could have gone on a rampage across campus in his car running pedestrians over and killing several people. He also could have just as easily taken a hunting rifle or shotgun and killed just as many people. I read another’s opinion about how the gun-toting amendment to the Declaration of Independence was written for foreign terrorists and NOT for someone stepping on your shoes. I believe that statement to be half right. It wasn’t meant for people to be vigilantes and kill someone for looking at them the wrong way. However, it wasn’t written for foreign terrorists. It was written for the citizens to have the ability to overthrow the government. It was written so that in the absence of law enforcement, people could defend themselves (ever have anybody break into your home. Where’s the police at that exact moment?)

So is the cure for this eliminating all guns from the hands of the citizens? I don’t believe so. Guns are absolutely overused in today’s society. But removing them all together? Then the only people who would have guns would be criminals. But the guns would still be there. And no, I'm not a gun-toting, hunting, backwoods redneck who has a gun rack on the back of their F-150. In fact, I've never owned a gun, never shot a gun, never held a gun. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel I should have the RIGHT to own one.

I think it’s for people to start looking around them and paying attention. For people to not think “oh, it’s somebody else’s problem that he’s crazy”. For the media and the citizens at large not to sensationalize the horrible news every chance they get and turn these people into celebrities, even if for only that “5 minutes of fame”. To think that people don’t go on these homicidal, suicidal rampages for some type of fame is absolutely asinine. There are actually cases reported of the criminals bragging about how they stumped police, how everyone was watching their every move. The sad thing is you do not very often see the reverse of the coin being held true. The teens or adults who are trying to make a difference just don’t get that type of news time. WHY? Because it’s not sensational enough.

There is one more thing that irks me a bit. And it’s loosely tied into this topic, among some others. My husband is a bit of a conservative. I think on some issues I’m even more conservative than he is though. I’m so fed up with hearing things like “Oh, I guess that’s Chuck talking”, or “well, no wonder you feel that way, look who you’re married to”. It’s true that I didn’t take any active opinions about political or hot topic issues until I met my husband almost 10 years ago. But, I’ve become even more opinionated since I’ve had the kids. Maybe I feel I have a responsibility to them and to society to raise them to be educated, informed citizens. Whatever the reason though, I do have a mind. I’m almost 30 years old , I’m not a child. I can make decisions for myself and Chuck will be the first one to tell you that I’m not easily swayed once I’ve read the information and made an opinion on that. Even if it is different from his. So, stick it up your ass. How’s that for childish behavior?

Counseling

Okay, soooo not what I expected out of today. I was REALLY hoping for the counselor to say "oooooh, you're having anger problems. Here this is what you do now go on your way."

Now, I'm not saying that I expected that, but a girl can hope right? But instead I got stuck with a bit of a moron who was asking all kinds of questions about my family, my past, alchohol and drug use (there isn't any...I'm so boring), and marriage/homelife questions.

He got to one part that seriously cracked me up. He was asking all these questions about my past, how my relationship was/is with my family, etc, etc, etc. Then onto my marriage. I answer truthfully and he says "Now, I have to ask a personal question."

Um, hello? Like the rest of the questions weren't personal? Or maybe I just told him way more information than he needed.

However, the question was : Do you have a healthy sex life?

I said "yes" immediately.

Then thought about it for a minute and asked what exactly he defined as "healthy". He said "well, what do you mean?"

I explained, after some deep thought at how to approach it delicately, that our sex life is a little untraditional. He seemed VERY taken aback and made a couple of remarks that sounded a little judgemental to me. I explained that if he was asking if our sex life was consistent, then yes. We don't have any problems in that area. He seemed satisfied with that answer :)

But needless to say, I didn't resolve anything today except to make 2 appts for next week. *sigh* Between my weekly midwife appts, Zachary's psychologist appts, and now the counseling appts I'm going to be zapped for time. Just when I feel like I need time more than ever.

That was another question that kinda threw me for a loop. What do I do for a social life. I answered honestly "What social life?" He threw out options...do you go out with work friends? Friends from school? Anything?

I know this is part of my problem. I don't feel I have time to do those things. I went out March 31 for the first time with the girls in months and had a GREAT time. But I don't do it often. As for going out after work...have you ever tried to go out with friends at 1 am? In a small town? And then try to get up at 7:30-8:00 am with 2 young and active boys? Yea, not that easy.

Weekends for me are family time. I guess that comes into play because we don't have ANY family time during the week, so I feel we have to make up for it on the weekends. But also, my college and high school friends and I are kinda on different paths in our lives. And my mom friends, who are my support most days, are usually via online and they have children, families, husbands and really busy lives of their own on the weekend. There are Mom Night Outs planned during the week....while I'm working. So that doesn't help much. Add into the fact that IF we have a sitter and can afford some recreation, I'd really prefer the company of my husband over most women. I guess that's a good thing though. I feel like we don't get to see each other enough as it is, so why wouldn't I want to spend any extra time we can find with him? But it does make for one boring and burned out Lisa. But I just don't know how to fit that "me" time in.

So maybe the therapist will offer her services as a sitter for free, and give us money to go out with a bunch of friends and go hiking for the afternoon, then on to painting pottery before hitting a really nice resturant for dinner and then onto the movies.

But I won't hold my breath for that.

34 Week appt ++++

A lot is going on.

Chuck and I are struggling a little in our marriage. That portion of my life has been a little out of control and very emotionally trying and well, different. However, I do feel like things have been said that should have been said for a long time and that maybe finally everything is in the open. There are a lot of hurt feelings but maybe we have finally HEARD each other instead of just yelling at each other. My hope is that we can build a stronger relationship based on trust, honesty and appreciation of one another. I'm going to be starting anger counseling on Wednesday and I'm kinda looking forward to learning better ways to control that part of my personality...because honestly it's not something I like very well about myself.

Chuck and I went to see the pscyhologist regarding Zachary last Friday. He was reassuring. Even though he had no answers for us, he took us seriously and didn't brush off our concerns. He said that we have reason for concern with family history and the differences that we see in Zachary compared to other kids and even his own brother. It doesn't make Zachary a bad kid. It's makes him a unique kid....or like Zachary told a cashier one day "Yep, I'm a really special kid". And he is. We go back later this week to do our first session with Zachary at the dr's office. I'm nervous. Doc wants to video tape us interacting with Zachary...and quite frankly, that kinda scares me. I don't feel I interact with him well at all. What's the dr. going to think if I can't even interact with my own son? But then again, he has a son with special needs as well, so he's probably gone through that before.

Today was my 34 week appt. I'm actually 34 weeks and 4 days...but who's counting? Me!!! That's who!

Last night I was in so much pain in my back, I was on my hands and knees in bed seriously in tears. I thought maybe it was my kidneys but Sameerah didn't think so because change of position wouldn't have released the pain even a little. So I have no idea what it was. Plus, I had so much gas pain and diarrhea yesterday I was miserable. I was wondering if maybe I'd go early considering I remember feeling kinda like that before the boys...but no such luck.

I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over. I loved being pregnant with the boys that it's making me kinda sad to want this one to be over with.

Everything was good at the dr. today. I lost the 3 # that I gained last time and my BP was 108/68..perfect for me. Baby's heartbeat is in the 130's. I was complaining to Sameerah though about how much pain I'm in by the end of the day...some days I can't hardly walk out from work because of such abdominal muscular pain. She had me do a crunch and lo and behold I have a severe abdominal muscle seperation. (I wonder if this is also the reason that it hurts when Lucas sticks his finger in my belly button to "play" with Baby Elizabeth...I did that tonight and you CAN feel weird stuff in there...I don't think that's normal!) She said it won't create any problems with labor and delivery, but Chuck brought up some interesting questions after my appt like A) will it grow back together or will I need surgury? B) what will happen with my belly? Hang to my knees? C) Will my brace help with it if I wear it every day? So I did some research. Apparently, it happens because of overweight/obesity as well as with subsequent children. I can do a bunch of exercises after the baby comes to get those muscles back together and I'll work on that...I don't want to have any future problems.

But does anybody know how to exercise when your husband works an opposite shift than you and you have THREE kids? I'm curious. Because I don't exercise now. I guess I could but hell, it's just one more thing I would have to try to fit into my day. I'm already overwhelmed with the "should have's" and "could have's" now.

The count down begins now...Only 5 more weeks!

Friday nights

They kinda suck for me....and they kinda rock.

The suck because as I'm coming to work, everyone else is leaving for the weekend. In a huge rush to get out of here and enjoy the gorgeous weather that we've been having. I wish I were with them...done with my day and ready to start the weekend.

But they rock because Fridays are generally super laid back and really quiet at work. So I can chill, get my work done with little interruptions (always a good thing) and have some pleasant chit-chat with co-workers. And then I also have the knowledge that while everyone else is returning to work 8 am Monday morning...I have the whole day off!

On another note, this baby girl is seriously practicing to become a gymnastics star. Really, all I've felt for the last 2 days is tumbling and rumbling inside my tummy. This afternoon I laid down and took a nap with Zachary on my bed. True to form, I had to pee when I woke up. I rolled onto my back and baby girl did some serious backflips right onto my bladder. THAT woke me up...I whelped a little and Chuck laughed as I screamed that I needed to pee NOW!

I had my 32 week appt on last Monday and everything is going wonderfully. I gained 3 lbs, but I knew I would this time. I feel like I had been starving...and was ravinously hungry. Plus, everyone and their brother decided I needed more and more food. Someone from work brought me a 1 lb bag of jelly beans because I like them so. I DO Like them...but I also don't want to become a whale. Well, an even bigger whale!

Last Friday night, I went home early and was laying up close to Chuck...resting my belly on him and he was acting like a little schoolboy. It was so cute. He kept saying...hey, I felt Elizabeth! Was that her again? Hey, are you feeling that? Wow, that's so cool! I can feel her so well! It was a big deal to him and on Sunday he was telling my mom about it. I think it's so neat to see a daddy so excited and so interested in being a part of the pregnancy. This one has been a lot more laid back than the other two...WAY more laid back than Zachary's....just because it's not new this time. But, he went and proved again what a great daddy he is.

I got MEAT today!!!

And, um, get your mind out of the gutter ;) Although Chuck was home from work today (sick, yea, right) we both took a nap while the boys were napping. That seems more important to this pregnant momma right now anyways!

But, we did go to the butcher and pick up our 1/4 steer. YAY! I'm soooo looking forward to having a nice juicy, home-grown, corn-fed Porterhouse steak on Saturday. AND it should still be nice so we can have it on the grill. It's the only way to do it!

I grew up with steers, hogs, and rabbits, so there was always fresh, home-grown meat in the fridge. I missed that for our first 8 years together. But now, I work with a woman who raises Holsteins for slaughter and we get our meat from her. There is just something so satisfying about having a deep freeze full of steaks, roasts and hamburg. Great tasting steaks, roasts and hamburg nonetheless!

But now, I guess I should be careful. There was a new study concerning the connection between the amount of beef consumed during pregnancy and your unborn son's sperm count. Soooo, wonder what the connection will be made next for girls. *insert some sarcasm*

I guess I don't take a lot of stock in these "studies". The basis for this is them asking mom's their consumption of beef. But were other things taken in account? Say, intake of caffeine? Location of the mommas? Maybe it's something like in Erin Brockevich where there is underground chemicals creating problems. I'm just so sick of everything being blamed on the "unhealthy" cow. Everything in moderation, people.

Heroes and Superheroes

Ever wonder how a kid looks at heroes?

Like superheroes. That's what they relate them too. Heroes may not have cool super powers such as turning things to ice or having knives come out of their hands (Luke LOVES Wolverine from X-men) but they have powers none the less.

Wonder how I know this?

We were driving by a veterens cemetary and there were three flags plus the United States flag (which Zachary calls our national state flag). He asked what the three flags were for. So Chuck explained that they were for the Army, Navy and Airforce.

Zachary, being the questioner that he is, needed to know more. What does that mean?

Chuck explained that they fight for our country, to keep us safe and to protect us and our rights.

Zachary:

So they're all like superheroes?

Yes, yes, they are sweetie. And let's hope none of us ever forgets that.

Where to start?

I'm tired. That's a good place. I think I'm more tired now than I was in the beginning of this pregnancy. There are days I feel like I hit a brick wall and just can't move any longer. I talked to my midwife about this and the basic consensus is that is my body's way of saying "SLOW DOWN!" Today I slept from about 3 am to 8 am and then again from 10:45 to 11:45 and then again from 1:45 to 3:45. I'm so glad the boys are such good boys and still take naps with me in the afternoon!

But then I get to work and deal with bullshit. Constantly. I don't understand why people make decisions before they fully understand the concept of the job or what actually needs to happen or does happen. And then, when they don't know, they don't ask questions. WHY? *sigh* I'll be glad to be going off on maternity leave. My boss has been telling everyone for months now that I'll be off for at least 6 months (try more like 6 weeks due to financial reasons) but I'm seriously thinking a 6 month hiatus sounds like a freaking God send right now. Except for the fact that after 6-8 weeks I'd be itching to get back to work and have some quiet time and not the insanity of having 3 children in our home.

Next Friday is our first appointment with the psychiatrist for Zachary. This appt. is just for Chuck and I. I'm assuming to go over what we feel Zachary's issues and behaviors are, what the background is...both for him and for our family backgrounds, as well as see what this place has to offer and how they may be able to help. And I so hope they can help. Zachary has seemed to be in a bit of a funk lately and is crying at everything. Absolutely everything. It's driving me a little batty.

A few days ago, I had asked him to go potty before naptime. He said "It's okay, momma, I'm wearing a diaper" Now, this is where I should point out that Zachary is almost FIVE! He's been potty trained a full 1 1/2 years. Luke is now to the point where I would consider him potty trained as well (except for today. He's not feeling well and poop is just running out of him, poor kid). Anyway, I ask Zachary if he means his overnight pull up from the night before. Nope, he shows me. He's wearing one of Luke's diapers.

Zachary gets dressed by himself every morning. Picks out his own clothes and fully dresses himself in his room by himself. I never question it because it's never been an issue. But, yes, he's wearing one of Luke's diapers (also for at nighttime). And he peed in it! He'd wore it all morning at school and then peed in it! WTH? So when Zachary gets into bed for naptime, after changing into underwear at my insistance, he sighs. Really, really heavy-like. I asked him what the matter was. His response: It's just so hard being 4. *big sigh* I wish I were 1 again. It's easier being 1.

Now, it's so hard to not laugh. Because honey if you think 4 is hard, try being almost 30, pregnant with 2 kids and being a working mom. But I withheld the laughter. Because in a way it's kinda sad to me. My kid has such worrisome things on his mind that being 4 sucks. And his brain works in such a way that it upsets him and he worries and thinks about these things. And that worries me too.

So, I'm looking forward to talking with the dr. Plus, on a side note, Chuck and I have to go to the big city ALONE. Maybe we'll have a nice dinner out after the dr. appointment :)

CHUCK!!!!

If you happen to read this, please call me at work.

The phone line switched over to the digital and the cordless isn't plugged in, so I can't get through to you. I left a voicemail.

I'm trying to figure out how to see if we have voicemails and how to retrieve them now :)

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Maybe I should make this a regular posting. Every Tuesday I spurt forth all my random shit for the week.

Have you ever felt like you are just nothing in this world. Like no one truly gives a shit about you other than to tell you what you are doing wrong and what you should be doing? No matter how much you care about other people and want to and try to get involved in their lives, you're just an insignificant particle of dust on their shoe to be wiped off? Yea, I feel like that tonight.

I hate know-it-alls. And I work with a few. One is telling me that the cold I have is bronchitis and I need to see the dr. NOW. And just why don't you take medicine? Doesn't matter that you are pregnant and don't want the baby to come out deformed. At least I'd be comfortablle. Pah! Oh yea, and then there is the know-it-all that is bound and determined that SHE did it right, so therefore it must be computer error. *sigh* I hate that. It's called "OE" honey. (That's operator error for those not knowing the lingo).

I think it's God's cruel little joke that men and women are on different horniness schedules. No, seriously. I think maybe it's like natural birth control or something. I'm not feeling well today...headache, sinus pressure, sore throat, just feeling pretty shitty. Today is the day Chuck decides to stay home from work and wants to get it on. Um, no. Seriously, I'm almost ALWAYS up for it but I feel incredibly UN-SEXY coughing up phlegm. Maybe our issue is also the night-day thing...because he's raring to go in the mornings...and I'm soooo ready to go when I get home from work at night at...oh....1:30 am. When he's sleeping. Yea, makes for some great times huh?

I think it's hotter than a stuffed pig in this building. I hate that the state can't regulate the temperatures any better than this. My hands are swollen, my feet are swollen, and I think I'm dehydrating. I need to be chugging more water that's for damn sure.

65 more days. Okay, I freaked out a little bit about that yesterday. 65 more days. That's like almost 2 months exactly till I have this baby! Yikes! Where did the time go? How the hell am I going to get anything done at all? I'm getting to the point in my pregnancy where I'm running out of breath really easily and fatigued a lot more. *sigh* Just running after the boys is wearing me out. I think I might suggest my brother's suggestion to Chuck of just hiring out the drywall job. We'll see.

I need new shoes. Period. And maybe a nice new purse/wallet combination. Mine sucks.

99 Luftballoons

So, this really doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the song at all. Just a funny story involving my oldest son, Zachary.

I have a red bra. It's see-through and really hot and of course, my hubby loves it because it's the most uncomfortable bra I have. But my boobs do look good in it.

I was in my bedroom dressing one day when Zachary walked in. I told him to go out and get ready to go that momma was getting dressed. I hadn't put my bra on yet...and he asked what that metal bar was through your booby. I explained that mommy had a ring through her nipples just like I have a ring through my ears. I hurriedly put my red bra on (I had NO other bras washed that day).

He points to my boobs and says "Hey, look momma, you have 2 red balloons!"

OMG, I don't know how I stopped myself from dying of laughter. "Yep, buddy sure looks like it doesn't it?"

Chuck got a HUGE kick out of it, of course.

So, not much has been said from Zachary about it since I stopped wearing that red bra.

Until today.

I was picking him up from school and his little friend said "Hey Zachary, you're mommy is going to get a new baby!"

Zachary said "YEP! And you know what else she's got? TWO big red balloons right here!" and spreads his hands across his chest.

Luckily the teachers didn't hear, and there were no questions...so I chuckled to myself and high tailed it out of there!

Hopes becoming realized

Have you ever had something that you wanted soo bad and then when it's just about on your doorstep, you step back and think "holy shit! What's going on? Did I want this?"

I'm freaking out a little. Just *a little*.

Last week, Zachary was observed for the first time by the KEEP counselor. Tuesday I was able to meet with Sheila and we talked for almost an hour. I was very upfront and forthcoming with her (as that's just who I am) and discussed some of our biggest concerns for Zachary. I explained that we saw a psychologist about 7 1/2 months ago who seemed like he would be on the right track but never got back with us. I explained that Chuck was diagnosed bipolar after a very, very rough few months. I explained that we've seen differences in Zachary since he was about 18 months old. I think because Chuck grew up bipolar and probably ADD, we look for things since it is highly hereditary. At first, we didn't know WHAT we were looking at, but I like to be somewhat knowledgeable and looked at a bunch of stuff and try to know my kid. So I gave her all my opinions and observations and background, and was told that we were seeing things way before most parents AND very astute for seeing these things.

She suggested that we (meaning her and us) contact this Dr. that specializes in bipolar and either rule it out or get a handle on it first. Especially since this Dr. is a big guru in the feild and runs a bipolar assessment clinic. I said GREAT! Let's see what he has to say.

Sheila called me this morning. Said things were moving a lot faster than anticipated and normal. Said that the Dr. emailed her back almost immediately and wants us to contact him directly to set up the appointments and get information. So, I googled his name.

Wow. Seriously, this guy has written books on the Bipolar Child. Has a bipolar child himself. Tours the country lecturing on the behaviors of bipolar children and teaches pediatric psychology. AND collaborates with another specialist on bipolar children and autism. (Aspergers is one of the things that has been brought up before). AND Dr. Glovinsky does all the testing for the gifted children for a big school in the Detroit area.

I feel so damn lucky to be able to have this opportunity to get Zachary in with someone GREAT. And for Free! Yes, free. He donates his time through the community health department (which is the program Sheila works with is through).

But I just feel like OMG...what's happening? What if it is these things? How do I deal and cope? What if it's not? I'm going to feel like a tool for making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Now, of course, I've already called the dr. and am waiting for a return call and we'll do whatever is necessary to get Zachary whatever help he needs for him AND us to be successful. But I still feel like everything is moving so fast now and I just don't know what to think or do.

I'm weird....I know that.

But this post is going to prove that.

There are a few people out there I find hot. Usually it has to do somewhat with an accent.

But there are a few that makes even me scratch my head.

Mr. Tumnus from Narnia. He's pretty hot AND he has an accent.

I think it has to do with the expressiveness in his eyes. I was watching Narnia the other day with the boys and his eyes and eyebrows just struck me as so sexy. I find a man who can talk with their eyes VERY attractive. One of the reasons I fell for my husband and why I love winks.

And then there is this one. Why? I don't know. I think it goes

back to the expressiveness in his features during the commercials. I wonder what he looks like WITHOUT makeup.

I was told by Chuck today that ABC has purchased the rights to make a sitcom of the Geico caveman from the commercials. I'll be interested to see it because quite frankly the commercials almost make me pee my pants. Well, it's not really that hard to do anymore BUT they are pretty funny.

Okay, so I find out that one of the cavemen is Ben Weber. Funnily enough he's not that hot as a non-caveman guy. Shucks.

It's very sad that I'm spending my lunch hour looking this shit up. Lately I've been all about deep random thoughts that mean absolutely nothing.

I AM SPEED!

LOL...I'm probably gonna have to explain that one later.

Random Thoughts

* I hate it when people come up and talk and talk and talk and then as soon as you start to say a funny anecdote or something, they are "way too busy to talk" and run the other way. Seriously now, I'm not that boring am I? And IF I am, why talk to me in the first place?

*I think my dog, Jake, caught a mouse and ate it today. I'm so glad he's such a good mouser BUT I'd prefer he did it while I'm not at home. I am getting chills just from thinking about it.

*We have adopted a second dog now too. Kodi. He's a good boy. But DAMN that dog is ALWAYS underfoot. And he's a Lab/Chow mix so he's not small! I feel like I'm constantly tripping over him. But he's a good protector, and I know that's why he wants to always be where I'm at (or Chuck).

*Where did my sweet, always happy, ready to do anything for you Lucas go to? Oh wait. He's almost 3. *sigh* I think if I hear "But it's not FAIR!" one more time I'm going to scream. Or the whining, or crying, or temper tantrums. I told Mom that today and she laughed. Said "you were the same way, Lis" Great. Now I get to look forward to more of me from my second child.

*Sometimes you can hear partial stories from people and think "What the hell? My friend is an absolute crackhead!" That happened to me today...I don't know the whole story but there is something about snorting pixie sticks (I learned not to do that in 5th grade...I thought I was cool) and gumbo. I don't think I want to know anymore. I'd like to still think of my friend as somewhat intelligent.

*I've been reading another blog called Onion Rings and usually laugh every time I read it. As I was reading one of her posts from recent days, I was so happy to know I'm not the only anal person regarding the correct usage of words. In particular, your and you're. I HATE reading spelling errors and inproper usage of words. However, I don't always go back and correct my own mistakes. Go figure. (Oh, and this is the American English language I'm referring to...not the other one from across the pond).

*I love it when I come home to a clean house. It's so nice to come in the door and not trip over toys. I wish we could always have it that way when daddy comes home, but he comes home in the afternoon and the boys are still playing!

*My head is hurting for the second day in a row now. Yesterday I thought it was due to lack of caffeine in my diet (I didn't stop for my morning coke). However, I DID stop today and I still have a headache. Oh, and heartburn. Yay for pregnancy.

*Tomorrow is gymnastics day for Luke and mommy. But I still don't know if they'll be open. Bad mommy for not calling earlier today.

*I had this really, really funny thing I wanted to mention in my RT for today, but I forgot. Damn pregnancy brain.

ALIEN!!!

I have an alien inside of my stomach.

She is bursting to come out.

Today, while sitting at the computer I swear I saw a little hand pop out of my belly button and try to type something out to her daddy on the email.

Okay.....Okay...Maybe I'm exaggerating a *little* bit. However, everytime I get to this point in my pregnancies (you know the point where you can SEE your stomach moving) I am reminded of the movie Alien. Especially that part where the woman's body starts to move and then an alien head shoots out of her stomach. I know, it's a lovely picture, but I'm reminded of it nonetheless.

Today was the first time I saw this phenomenon. I was sitting there, typing an email to Chuck, and my stomach moved. I just saw it out of the corner of my eye...and then I saw it again. Since then, I don't think that this little girl has sat still.

While the movement is undoubtedly one of the coolest things about pregnancy, one of my favorite things, it's still a little unnerving to see it happening in your own body.

Last Wednesday, I had a midwife appointment and my second ultrasound. We had to have a second ultrasound because of an inability to see everything last time. This time around, the tech was able to see all internal organs and all parts of the brain. I was even able to see all four chambers of the heart pumping away in there. It was really cool. And I asked, just to make sure, and it is still a girl! The little girl is laying transverse across my belly too, which is probably why I'm not popping out like a basketball and why I'm having such pain in my hips.

I also had to do my glucose test checking for gestational diabetes. This is always something that is rather worrisome to me, considering that diabetes is rampant in my family and my grandfather died from diabetic complications. As of yet, I haven't heard anything back regarding that, so I'm assuming it's a good thing.

I did gain 2 lbs this visit. But, I'm totally a-ok with that. Hell, not pregnant I can gain 2 lbs in 2 days, so 2 lbs in a month isn't too shabby. I'm still down a total of 10 lbs this pregnancy.

And now I start going to the midwife every 2 weeks!!!!! I can't believe I'm already in my third trimester. I feel like this pregnancy is absolutely flying by. I know there are days that I can't wait to end, but for the most part I'm so busy with the boys, Chuck, the house, work, that time is flying! We have finally started working on the baby's room, well we've been doing bits here and there...but it's almost cleaned out and we should be able to start tearing down paneling and drywall this weekend. I can't wait to see it finished :)

It's funny how with each consecutive child you get laxer and laxer with things. At this point in my pregnancy with Zachary, I believe we had the room cleared, the bed set up and things hanging in the closet and wall hangings on the wall...all waiting in anticipation for our bundle of joy. With Luke, we knew we were moving, but I still had things ready for the baby...bottles out, cradle set and ready to go, new car seat for Zachary so Luke could have the infant seat.

Now, with our third child...I'm 11 weeks from having her...and the room isn't even cleared out and we have construction and remodeling to do! I guess I just know a little better now just exactly what's needed and what's important. And having a perfect nursery isn't it.

Ever have one of those days?

Where you are looking forward to something so much that you are actually on time to the function? (Well, maybe that's just my life. I'm always 20 minutes late. I'll be late to my own damn funeral).

But I was ON TIME this morning. With 2 kids in clothes in tow.

And then...NOTHING. Complete and utter disappointment.

Zachary was supposed to be evaluated this morning and the counselor called in sick. So now we have to reschedule the appointment in probably another 2 weeks. *sigh* I seriously almost started crying. (Damn pregnancy hormones). But I was really looking forward to making some kind of progress with this. At least getting something started and on the way with this child.

It's probably a blessing in disguise though because Miss Pam (his teacher) said that he was so good today! And he was wonderful this afternoon...listened to directions and followed through with them. If you miscount the mishap of his mattress ending up off the bed and onto the floor, today was the best day in quite some time. So, I guess it's okay that she didn't come. She needs to see the kids' BAD days :)

Next Tuesday

Is the day.

The day that I might get some type of answers regarding Zachary.

We've been told that February 20th, the infamous Sheila (the counselor) will be coming to evaluate Zachary within the classroom. She won't be interacting WITH Zachary, just watching him and how he interacts with the teacher, the other students and himself. The teacher, myself and Chuck all have to complete a questionnaire about our experiences with Zachary, as well.

So, we probably won't get any answers that day. But at least I'll feel like we have finally accomplished *something*. That we may be on our way to helping him.

Tuesday of this week we received a letter from our insurance company (after only 6 1/2 months since our initial visit) that they are denying any testing for Zachary. Their reason is that it is only for "educational purposes" and there is nothing medically wrong with him.

Oh, realllly? Wanna come hang out with him 24/7?? Supposedly this Sheila should be able to help with referrels and insurances and appeals to get him whatever he needs. I hope so.

On another note, Zachary asked Chuck the night after he told me he wanted a new mom and dad:

Z: "Daddy, remember how I said I wanted a new momma and daddy?"

C: "Yep"

Z: "That was kind of a mean thing to say wasn't it?"

C: Well yea, buddy, it's wasn't really nice.

Z: I didn't really mean it. I do want you and momma as my momma and daddy.

This kid is really such a sweetheart. It was completely out of the blue and neither Chuck nor I mentioned it to him after my initial conversation with him about it. That's Zachary's saving grace...his sweet nature.

5 words to describe your marriage

Among the "moms" today there was discussion about what 5 words would describe your marriage/relationship.

It took me a few minutes to come up with some words. Not because I couldn't think of any, it's just that some didn't fit.

As I was reading through what other people had used to describe and define their relationship, I felt a little sad for them.

Comfortable, Relaxed, Safe were used on several peoples lists....and not just one of them, but ALL of them.

Chuck and I have a comfortable relationship and I definitely feel safe with him and relaxed around him. Afterall, we've been together for 10 years and have *almost* 3 children together. But I don't think of those words as defining our relationship. They are a part of it, sure, but doesn't define who we are.

I chose 5 words and still was struggling for the correct word on some of them:

Unconditional
Enjoyable
Hard
Passionate
Complimentary

After I wrote my words, another person used Challenging and I think I like that word even better than hard. Our relationship is full of challenges. It's definitely not perfect, however, we are both unconditionally committed to our relationship and making it work that not being perfect is a-ok. I would rather have a relationship that was enjoyable and passionate, than a laxa-daisy relationship that was so comfortable it became boring.

Why is our relationship challenging? Might I remind you of the *almost* 3 kids. That's challenge in and of itself. We also work opposite shifts and see each other maybe 10 minutes a day. And yes, we have problems. But those problems we are working on diligently, and I think we are becoming a stronger, more united couple because of it.

After I wrote my words down, I asked Chuck what words he would use to describe us. I think it's a good sign that we chose the same parts of our relationship to define us...and used similar (even though they aren't the same words).

Love
Commitment
Partnership
Frustrating
Kinky

So here's how I see our comparison:

Unconditional=Commitment
Enjoyable=Love (I didn't want to sound clique by using love. LOL)
Hard=Frustrating
Passionate=Kinky (um, yea, we are passionately kinky. Anyone knowing us IRL would say so!)
Complimentary=Partnership

And those words are all a-ok with me. While it's not perfect, it's the fact that we are working on it. And as one mom said "Getting better all the time".

That's us. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fears for this new baby of ours

As I said yesterday in my post, I want the best for my children.

A lot of pregnant women have fears.

Fears about what childbirth is going to be like.
Fears about what having a child is going to be like.
Fears about having 2, 3 or more children.
Fears about having quality time with each child.

I don't seem to have those fears. My fears are probably completely irrational to every other human being on the planet. But I think we take our own personal experiences and inflict them on what we do or DON'T want for our children.

Enter those fears for this pregnancy.

One of my biggest issues growing up was being overweight and ugly. Or at least feeling as such. Is it any wonder that I have an irrational fear of this baby girl being fat and ugly? I don't know why because my boys are absolutely adorable kids with no weight problems whatsoever, but with Chuck and I having BIG genes, I'm just afraid that it's going to be the girl that gets it. I know it's hard to explain but I'd rather have a big boy where you are considered husky and a football player than a fat girl and be just fat.

I'm also concerned about her being smart enough. Now, this isn't something that I really ever had problems with as a child. However, I felt I was expected to be above the bar in order to prove that just because you're a girl, doesn't mean you can't do something. Or maybe those expectations were only placed by me. But, some of this fear is rational. For the first 3 months of my pregnancy, I had a REALLY hard time remembering my prenatals...so i'm worried that that'll affect her in some horrible way. I guess some of that is my Catholic, mommy guilt too.

Then there is the caffeine addiction I have. I've been unable to kick caffeine all-together this pregnancy. With the boys, I gave it up cold turkey and I'm just hoping that it doesn't affect baby girl in some way as of yet unbeknownst to the dr's or myself. I've read some links of ADHD and caffeine during pregnancy, but considering where Zachary is at and the fact I didn't drink caffeine, maybe that link isn't completely there yet.

Most days I push these thoughts to the back of my head, but then there are days I wonder........

I'm an aunt again!

Welcome Baby Emma LeeAnn!

(Her middle name is after my Dad (Lee) and my SIL's sister (who died of colorectal cancer at age 29) and her mom...both middle names being Ann).

7 lbs, 7 oz and 21 3/4 inches long.

Momma ended up having a c-section because she was too exhausted to push any furthur. I finally talked to my brother and the baby was coming down the birth canal at an angle and got stuck. Kelly was throwing up after the c-section and as of 9:30 was still sick. She was not breastfeeding, as they are concerned its the flu and they don't want Emma to get sick too :(

Apparently, though, Dan was text messaging Kelly's sister while she was pushing. Hmmm, I think I would have had a few words to say about that.

I'm planning on going to the hospital tomorrow (sans the boys) to see baby Emma!

MIA and Zachary

Well, as you can see it's been quite some time since I've posted. That's not to say I haven't been thinking about my posts. I actually have 3 drafts started of notes of things I want to talk about, but I think I'll blame the weather for my lack of creativity and ability to write. Last year, I was diagnosed preliminary with seasonal depression. To say the least, it sucks. It hits me hard in Jan/Feb/ and March. So I'm dead in the middle of it. It's not quite as severe this year as in past years, probably due to the pregnancy, but I definitely notice myself MUCH more emotional and I want to be involved in less. I feel disenchanted from my mom's group...very much the outsider in a group of women I've grown to call my friends over the last year and a half. But suddenly, I'm feeling left out, forgotten, not just by them but at work as well. My mood is also such that I don't WANT to write. Even though now is the time I should.

In the meantime, I had my 25 week midwife appointment. Everything went well, I lost an additional 2 pounds making this a total loss of 12 lbs for this pregnancy. Woo! I love being pregnant for my weight loss. This time I AM going to keep it off after I have the baby! But just being pregnant has caused some extra emotion in my life, damn hormones.

So, that brings me to a place of extreme emotion and not wanting to deal with things, right?

Enter Zachary. As a mother, I want what is best for my children. I think all (well, at least most) mothers do. Last week, I was approached by Zachary's preschool teacher. The long and the short of it was he wasn't allowed to go out on recess because of his behavior. And then when he was told this, he went into a complete meltdown. Miss Pam informed me that if she had a day like that EVERY day she would have to ask us to remove him from preschool, it was that severe. We had had problems with Zachary and his behavior for about 4 days prior to that as well, just having some major issues listening, focusing, keeping his hands to himself, crying, meltdowns, tantrums, etc. This isn't completely atypical for him either but it definitely seems to come in cycles. I almost started crying with his teacher....I felt completely (and still do) at my wits end with trying to figure out how to deal with him. I asked her honest opinion about my oldest child and her response was that there would be no way that a kindergarden teacher could handle him and 27 students even on an okay day for Zachary. He's too high maintenance, too high strung, and has to be watched constantly. And on a bad day? Yikes.

We discussed how I've tried to get him seen by this psychologist who came highly recommended and had some suggestions at Zachary's "uniqueness". But after 4 months of calling, and no return phone calls on their behalf, I'm frustrated there too. Miss Pam explained about a program called KEEP (Keeping Early Education Positive) and suggested that we (as preschool and home) contact them and see what we can do to make his life successful. Miss Pam said that he's absolutely smart and picks up on things quickly and absorbs everything, but for as advanced as he is in that manner, he's just as far below socially and behaviorally. So, next week there will be a counselor coming to Zachary's school to evaluate him and talk to his teacher, Chuck and I and then make some recommendations on where we can go from here. Miss Pam suggested that Zachary will more than likely be referred out to a more in depth counselor/pscyhiatrist/psychologist because he has issues further than just being not disciplined at home.

While discussing this all with Chuck, I sobbed. Literally sobbed. I just want Zachary to succeed in life. He told me last weekend that he wanted to be an animal dr. At the rate he is going, he'll not be able to make that goal (if it's his goal at that part of his life). Not because he isn't smart enough but because he doesn't seem to have the ability at this point to focus and behave. I want that to change but I just don't know how!!!

The next day, Zachary explained to me that he wanted a new mom and dad. Ones that weren't so mean and yelled so much. I thought I sobbed the day before? Nothing at all compared to that day. Why? Children hate their parents sometimes right? Sure. But I do yell too much. I don't know how else to deal with him anymore. Nothing else has worked. Yelling isn't working, either, but I'm out of ideas. I emailed Chuck and told him I don't think I can be a mom anymore. Soo....a parent wants what's best for their child. What if what's best for them is to have a different mom? But I had to remind myself (after Chuck saying "well you are a mom! So we'll just have to figure out a better way to deal with him!") that God gave this child to me because I AM the best parent he can have. I will forge on to find out how best to handle him, how best to get him to succeed in school and life. Some parents, will say "well, they're just a bad seed. it's their problem and their fault". I know beter and will be an advocate for my child. It's just so tiring and exhausting in the meantime. And well, emotionally draining not to mention dehydrating from all those tears.

So, seasonal depression, pregnancy and a "spirited" child who needs special help didn't mesh well last week. I hope next week, the counselor can give us some hope. Chuck and I are both committed to doing what we need to do in order to give Zachary the best start he can have. I guess that's what makes me a good mom.