I have risen from the dead

Well, sometimes it feels like it. Life has taken some pretty serious whacks at me lately, and like the Energizer bunny, I just keep going and going and going. But, honestly, I haven't been myself. Hell, I even opted out of Matt's party...because I didn't want to go and sit there while people were having fun and laughing and joking while I felt like I was dying inside. I've been functioning because I *have* to but for no other reason. Mostly, I wanted to lay down and go to sleep for days, weeks, years, until all this chaos and upheaval was over.

Sadly enough, life doesn't work that way. I can't go to sleep indefinitely and if it's not one thing that tumultuous, it's another. If it's not one child, its one of the others.

I've spent the last 2 months wondering when the hammer would drop and something would happen with/to Elizabeth.

But no more.

The dr. has given me what my wonderful husband has coined "happy pills" and I'm feeling more like myself. More than I have felt in years, maybe. It's probably a good thing too because this year has been one of the shittiest years of my entire life. Even more so then the year that Chuck and I had problems.

I am thinking I'll start updating my blog again. However, you won't see many more of these late-night updates. I have, involuntarily, been moved to days as of December 1st. I found out 2 weeks ago and have been trying desperately to find suitable, reliable daycare for Luke and Elizabeth that I trust and feel comfortable with. It couldn't have happened at a worst time for us...but in a way I'm looking forward to having my evenings with my family. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my husband after the kids go to bed for the night. I'm looking forward to having sex whenever I want (well, any night I want). So, even though it was a huge shock and something I hadn't planned on and completely FREAKED out when I was told....I'm okay with it now. Especially now that I have a nanny coming to my house whom I know will be awesome with the kids. That helps me immensely.

I read a quote today and it hit me profoundly: Life is more than just breathing. Real living is made up of moments that take your breath away.

I'm thinking I might start really living again.