Great news is abound!

First, we have a babysitter on Saturday night!!! I am so excited! I honestly can't remember the last time Chuck and I went out together. I could probably look back in my posts and figure it out, but if you consider I don't have the patience to search for things, that's not gonna happen. However, it's a new babysitter and I'm starting to have some anxieties about it. She comes highly recommended by a good friend of mine, but I don't have a cell phone so how can she get ahold of me if something happens? And I think we may be leaving Elizabeth with her....she says she babysits another family with three children, one being an infant, and she's perfectly comfortable with it. Doesn't mean I'm necessarily comfortable with it. I'm going to have to let someone watch E at some point though! We're going to see Harry Potter *drool*! I'm so excited to see this movie...and I'm getting the new book Friday night after work! Some days it pays to work until 1 am!!

Second thing: We are finally starting to finish Elizabeth's room! And we got one hell of a deal. After calling the place that was recommended to me and them wanting $500 to $700 to hang one wall of drywall and finish all 4 walls, I thought for sure we were going to have to finish the drywall ourselves. Not my favorite job, particularly. I did it in Zachary and Lucas' room but it took forever. I'd kinda like Elizabeth in her own room sometime sooner than 2 years from now! :p So I called a local guy and he wants $160 plus the cost of drywall and mud!! Sweet! He's starting tomorrow morning. I may be able to paint my little girls room this weekend. I can't wait to set her room up with the little fairies that we have. Shoot, I need to finish her quilt too!!

So much to do, so little time. I feel like I'm running on a high tonight. Maybe I've had too much sugar...or maybe I'm excited things are going the right way for a change.

How can you not love this face?

She's smiling sooo much now and I finally was quick enough to get a shot of it.

And yes, she's wearing a barrette. Her bangs are getting so long they are in her eyes, so I'm trying to find barrettes that actually will stay in her hair! That's proving to be a difficult challenge as her hair is so fine and she moves so much they slip out.

It's 4:50 am and I'm up with her. Sometimes it's so nice to have this quiet time, early in the morning to breastfeed her and spend some time one on one. However, I also know the boys are going to be up in about 2 1/2 hours and I need more sleep. Hmmm, the quandry. Doesn't matter thought what I want...Miss E has her own schedule. Normally she does pretty good about coinciding with mine, but there are those instances. ;)

Friends

I've seen the saying before that Friends are God's way of apologizing for family.

I sometimes think thats so true. I'm having issues with my brother now who I feel is being pretty selfish. But that's a whole post in itself.

But tonight my BFF came down to bring the boys' their birthday presents and meet Miss Elizabeth. Yea, it's been a couple of months but she's been out of state or we've been camping so it hasn't worked out till now.

I love Sandy. We've been friends since we were 3 and started preschool together. We went through a period of time there in early high school where we weren't super close because I didn't like her friends, nor her behaviors, but overall we've been super close for a very long time. My kids call her Aunt Sandy as a matter of fact, and they were almost uncontrollable this morning because they were so excited. Now that's not to say that we haven't had our own issues, afterall we are close enough to be sisters. But it all comes back to we are there for each other no matter what.

Well, she came down this evening and we had such a wonderful evening. We all went out to dinner and she played Sponge Bob on the Leapster with Zachary while he sat on her lap. Then when we came home they played Playstation together and Lucas and her played Matchbox cars. I guess what makes her so special to me is that she thinks of the kids. She plays with them. She enjoys spending time with them. And that makes her special to me in such a different way.

She still my BFF but our relationship has transcended the high school and college friendships. She's an aunt to my kids. A friend to my husband. And a sister to me. I guess as I get older relationships need to change and grow. What I appreciated in a friend before was someone to go out and drink with. Be crazy driving around stealing road signs with.

And now, I appreciate someone who understands that I love my family AND them. I appreciate someone who thinks of a good time as hanging out at the house, playing with the kids and having good conversation with each other.

That's not to say I don't love a good drink every now and again ;)

Elizabeth turns 2 months old.

Already I'm wondering where the heck the time went. She looks so big to me already. And soooo much like Lucas. I'm in love, that's one thing I know for sure.

I hate to say it, because I know that it's going to make me sound like a bad mom. Like I'm favoring one child over another. But there is something very different with Elizabeth, my last child, my daughter. I can't put my finger on it though.

I tried talking to Chuck about it, but he told me that guys just don't think that way. I wonder if it's because I *know* for certain that this is my last child. I wonder if it's because this is the first time that I haven't suffered from PPD. I wonder if it's because she's my *daughter* and there's already a special mom/daughter bond. I wonder if its because I have exclusively breastfed from day one. I wonder if it isn't the dynamic of our family now; seeing my boys as big brothers. Maybe it's a combination of all those things. It doesn't make me love her anymore than my boys. It's just I've enjoyed her more. I've enjoyed this infancy stage infinitely more. I've enjoyed breastfeeding, not more, just enjoyed it!

Like I said earlier, it's just hard to put my finger on. So maybe I'll quit trying. Maybe instead of trying to figure out my motivations, I'll just enjoy Elizabeth. And her brothers. And her daddy.

My family.

10 years together

I can't believe it.

Well, I can't believe two things really.

#1 That 10 years ago today, Chuck and I hooked up and started dating.

#2 I forgot this "anniversary" was today until about 1/2 hour ago.

I normally remember this well in advance and have a card, little gift, something for him...and he usually remembers as well and gives me great sex. Just like that fateful night. LOL! Kidding (kind of).

I had a party at my parents' house for the 4th of July. Working at a camp, we all still had to work the 4th, but the 5th was a Saturday. So I had a TON of people at my parents' house. That was my first, and only, party at mom and dad's. I was 20. Considering that I never had a party at my parents' before I didn't know the things to look for to clean up. Like the cigarette butts in the flower planters, the 20 glasses in the sink, or the puke under the bathroom rug. Unfortunately, no I'm not kidding about that.

But I digress. I look back over the past 10 years and wonder where the hell the time went. Never in a million years had I thought that we'd be where we are now...married for almost 6 years with 3 beautiful children....when I said "yea, sure" at my mom and dad's. It was just going to be a summer fling. When I went back to college that was it. Boy was I wrong.

I don't know when I fell in love with him. I just know that when I went back to college I couldn't stop thinking about him...and I couldn't wait to see him and tell him all the crazy things about the week. I still feel like that. I look forward to 2:45 pm every day when he walks through the door. I save up stuff to tell him...unfortunately some days it's just ranting about how horrible my morning was with the kids...but I know he's there for me and can sympathize with me. I enjoy my husband and I miss him dearly now that I'm working again.

People kept saying how hard it must be for me to leave Elizabeth and go back to work. That's not been too tough. I get to see my kids all day long. The tough part has been not being able to see, talk to, spend time with, and enjoy my husband every evening.

True enough we've been through some shit. When we moved in together back 9 years ago, it was a tough transition. And we've had several transitions throughout the years...3 of those times being named Zachary, Lucas and Elizabeth. But we've made it through and I think in some ways I feel closer to him then back in new love times. Because we have made it through all these things TOGETHER. And in being together, it has made us stronger.

I love you.

Zachary and the Dr.

We went back to the dr. today for Zachary. This was the day I was looking forward to and simultaneously dreading for the last 2 months. It's the day that the dr. explained his findings and let us know what he thought. Don't get me wrong...I'm so glad that someone believed us and saw what we saw so we can help Zachary achieve to the best of his ability. But a part of me is just so very sad and anxious to know the very hard work and struggle we have in front of us.

One of the tests that they did with Zachary was an IQ test. He's testing Superior to Very Superior. That's like 1-5 % of the population that tests that well. Dr. Glovinsky recommended that he not go into mainstream classes but instead is in a curriculum enriched program to challange him and help him not become a discipline problem...since his other issues will allow him to do that.

In short, they haven't labeled him as anything except unique. We will be seeing a psychiatrist now to go on meds though. Most likely a mood stabilizer to begin with. Maybe that will be all he has to have...maybe he'll have to be on a stimulant later...we just don't know. We're going to be taking it slow with the meds but there is clearly a biological issue and all the behavioral training isn't going to make that part of it go away. After the med is stabilized then we'll start some serious behavioral training. Basically, Dr. described Zachary as a diesel locomotive. He gets going and basically doesn't know how and can't put on the brakes himself. He has sooo many things going on in his head that he can't shut his brain down (which is why naptime and bedtimes are so hard for him). But it's why it's also important that he has a naptime or rest period...it allows him to rest and clear his head. He definitely shows the precedence for mood swings which leads to the bipolar aspect (as his dad and aunt have it). Dr. Glovinsky is requesting a conference with the school closer to school time to discuss how best to get Zachary's behavior under wraps while still giving him the intellectual stimulation that he has to have. ONe of the options that might happen is he won't get a normal recess time...because that's one period of the day that is unstructured and the biggest problem time of the day for Zachary.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what all the guidelines will be yet....or what changes we'll have to make. It's going to take some more time. But at least he saw what we saw and we can get some help now.

But I'm having anxieties and worries none the less. It's part of who I am.
LIKE:

Did we do wrong by our first child by having the others? Did we do wrong by Luke and Elizabeth considering all the attention that Zachary takes up and now all the different things he’ll be doing/going through/experiencing?

I don’t want any of my children to feel slighted. They are all equally important to me. They just all have different needs. But will they understand that at ages 3 and 5? Or even 3, 6 and 8?

I know there is nothing we can do now but deal with what we have. I wouldn’t have NOT had Elizabeth and Lucas. I love them both dearly and they have such special qualities that make them so endearing to me, make me laugh, make me cry. My concern is that they all know how incredibly special they are; even if Zachary is the only one to be in a special program or get special attention for schooling. Maybe that means I have to make sure the other 2 get special attention for soccer or ballet or something.

Eh, I’m rambling now. My mind is thinking of all the worst case scenarios and I’m having a hard time seeing the best case scenarios. I’m just feeling antsy tonight. Probably the 3 pieces of cake I had and 2 Mt. Dews on top of the anxiety of seeing the dr. today.

I’m worried that we won’t be able to provide the best type of schooling for Zachary. We just simply don’t have the money available to us to pay a $7,000 tuition. And the talented and gifted programs have nearly all been cut due to budget constraints. That’s not all he needs to help him succeed but it will surely help. I find it so frustrating that everywhere we turn we are running into obstacles with Zachary. First, it was finding people to see what we saw. Then, having a freaking dr. return my calls. Third, getting insurance to pay for it. Which didn’t happen so Dr. Glovinsky did it pro-bono. Now, once we know what we need, being able to find it. And lastly, being able to afford it.

And that’s just the school part of it. That’s not even touching how the drugs are going to make him feel and react. I remember going through the titration with Chuck and it’s not pretty. It’s very scary at times and definitely taxing on the whole family. Is that going to cause more anxiety for Zachary? Will it even work? (My hunch is yes, for some of his symptoms). Will just being on the meds make it so that all the other symptoms go away? (My hunch is no). I don’t really want my son to be taking a cocktail of drugs….but then again Dr. stated today that is exactly what he doesn’t want either. But what I really don't want is to lose his spirit. I want to see that super sensitive, sweet, thoughtful, wonderful little boy he is about 75% of the time. I don't want to break him, just help him harness it all and be successful and happy.