2006-12-19

Don't know if I can type this without crying...

I'm exhausted.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I'm sick of working. I'm so sick of dealing with stupid, ignorant people. I'm so sick of dealing with people who are my bosses that I have to run around after to make sure that things are completed so I don't have to deal with the shit when it's not.

I'm sick of being a mom...well, that's not really true. I'm sick of being a mom and having a billion things to do other than taking my son to the park. I'm sick of being a mom and expected to be a working woman. I'm sick of being a mom and a wife and a daughter and, and, and, and.....

I know that everyone goes through this. I understand that.

I get angry though at times like these. I get angry at myself for not being able to be perfect at absolutely everything. I get angry at my husband for not understanding why this is all so difficult for me. I get angry with my kids for not cooperating.

And then, apparently, I'm mean. And that's why everyone hates me. Or at least that's the interpretation I get from said husband.

I am mean. I'm mean because I grew up with the mentality that if you are mean, at least SOMETHING gets done. I'm so sick of being nice and NOTHING getting done. I try that again and again and again and then I'm stressed to the max, tired, and still have nothing done. So, yes, I get mean.

I hate that people think I have an ulterior motive for the things I do. I hate that certain people never see all the other stuff I say, think or do to TRY to make things better for our family. To try to change my ways. To try to do special, nice things for my husband. Everything, apparently in some people's opinions, is so that I can look the hero and make myself look better to everyone else.

WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE BECAUSE I WANT TO TRY TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY?

Like planning on getting him an mp3 player, researching types, looking at prices and then having to figure something ELSE to get because his parents already bought him one???? And adding just one more thing to my list to worry about and try to squeeze into a schedule that is already packed full of holiday stuff.

I'm sick of worrying about what other people think of me. And I said at the beginning of 2006 that it was something I wanted to work on. And I have tried. I have said no to certain family obligations. I have cut down from years past on things that we do every weekend...so that we can spend family time. But NONE of that is seen! NONE of that counts at all...it's just never enough.

That's the story of my life...no matter what I do...it's never enough to please everyone. Hell, half the time I can't please anyone.

4 comments:

Christi said...

*hugs* Lisa! I'm feeling very similiar to you. And my whole life has been what you are talking about right now. And am a horrible person in many people's eyes (mostly family) for decisions and choices I have made. Things I have done have to be the influence of someone else because I wouldn't act or do that. I too get bogged down by daily life and wish I could just run away with my family on vacation and not tell anyone. My MIL feels it's necessary that I let her know when someone in my house is sick! WHY?!?!?! It's my family, not hers, she has no direct link besides through her son. Yes, I am with you and I'm about to lose the plot as well. I'm tired of inconsiderate, bitchy, mouthy, snobby and stupid people. And even though it is Christmas, it isn't any better from the other times of the year! Hang in there, Lisa, and know I know how you feel and so do many others *hugs*.

Matt said...

Well, this person doesn't hate you, so there's one. And anyway you got your husband a much better present than an MP3 player, right? He's not going to know what to do with himself.

Hannah said...

OH, huge big ((HUGS)) to you right now, Lisa!! I don't really know what to say, except don't give up! Everybody has bad days and that's okay! Even if the bad day turns into a bad week or a bad month. That's okay too! I hope you are able to REALLY relax over Christmas and enjoy some time to yourself. I hope you get some time off work, that sounds like your majorly huge "thing" at the moment. A break can be the best thing sometimes! I hope you'll be feeling a bit better real soon, and if not remember you have friends that care - and I'm one of them. ((HUGS))

noname said...

Well, at least being pregnant you have a good reason to feel this way. I'm not on the emotional rollar coaster and feel the same way you do. Really putting a dampner on the ole Christmas spirit this year.

I hope you feel better soon.

((((Lisa))))

 

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