ALIEN!!!

I have an alien inside of my stomach.

She is bursting to come out.

Today, while sitting at the computer I swear I saw a little hand pop out of my belly button and try to type something out to her daddy on the email.

Okay.....Okay...Maybe I'm exaggerating a *little* bit. However, everytime I get to this point in my pregnancies (you know the point where you can SEE your stomach moving) I am reminded of the movie Alien. Especially that part where the woman's body starts to move and then an alien head shoots out of her stomach. I know, it's a lovely picture, but I'm reminded of it nonetheless.

Today was the first time I saw this phenomenon. I was sitting there, typing an email to Chuck, and my stomach moved. I just saw it out of the corner of my eye...and then I saw it again. Since then, I don't think that this little girl has sat still.

While the movement is undoubtedly one of the coolest things about pregnancy, one of my favorite things, it's still a little unnerving to see it happening in your own body.

Last Wednesday, I had a midwife appointment and my second ultrasound. We had to have a second ultrasound because of an inability to see everything last time. This time around, the tech was able to see all internal organs and all parts of the brain. I was even able to see all four chambers of the heart pumping away in there. It was really cool. And I asked, just to make sure, and it is still a girl! The little girl is laying transverse across my belly too, which is probably why I'm not popping out like a basketball and why I'm having such pain in my hips.

I also had to do my glucose test checking for gestational diabetes. This is always something that is rather worrisome to me, considering that diabetes is rampant in my family and my grandfather died from diabetic complications. As of yet, I haven't heard anything back regarding that, so I'm assuming it's a good thing.

I did gain 2 lbs this visit. But, I'm totally a-ok with that. Hell, not pregnant I can gain 2 lbs in 2 days, so 2 lbs in a month isn't too shabby. I'm still down a total of 10 lbs this pregnancy.

And now I start going to the midwife every 2 weeks!!!!! I can't believe I'm already in my third trimester. I feel like this pregnancy is absolutely flying by. I know there are days that I can't wait to end, but for the most part I'm so busy with the boys, Chuck, the house, work, that time is flying! We have finally started working on the baby's room, well we've been doing bits here and there...but it's almost cleaned out and we should be able to start tearing down paneling and drywall this weekend. I can't wait to see it finished :)

It's funny how with each consecutive child you get laxer and laxer with things. At this point in my pregnancy with Zachary, I believe we had the room cleared, the bed set up and things hanging in the closet and wall hangings on the wall...all waiting in anticipation for our bundle of joy. With Luke, we knew we were moving, but I still had things ready for the baby...bottles out, cradle set and ready to go, new car seat for Zachary so Luke could have the infant seat.

Now, with our third child...I'm 11 weeks from having her...and the room isn't even cleared out and we have construction and remodeling to do! I guess I just know a little better now just exactly what's needed and what's important. And having a perfect nursery isn't it.

Ever have one of those days?

Where you are looking forward to something so much that you are actually on time to the function? (Well, maybe that's just my life. I'm always 20 minutes late. I'll be late to my own damn funeral).

But I was ON TIME this morning. With 2 kids in clothes in tow.

And then...NOTHING. Complete and utter disappointment.

Zachary was supposed to be evaluated this morning and the counselor called in sick. So now we have to reschedule the appointment in probably another 2 weeks. *sigh* I seriously almost started crying. (Damn pregnancy hormones). But I was really looking forward to making some kind of progress with this. At least getting something started and on the way with this child.

It's probably a blessing in disguise though because Miss Pam (his teacher) said that he was so good today! And he was wonderful this afternoon...listened to directions and followed through with them. If you miscount the mishap of his mattress ending up off the bed and onto the floor, today was the best day in quite some time. So, I guess it's okay that she didn't come. She needs to see the kids' BAD days :)

Next Tuesday

Is the day.

The day that I might get some type of answers regarding Zachary.

We've been told that February 20th, the infamous Sheila (the counselor) will be coming to evaluate Zachary within the classroom. She won't be interacting WITH Zachary, just watching him and how he interacts with the teacher, the other students and himself. The teacher, myself and Chuck all have to complete a questionnaire about our experiences with Zachary, as well.

So, we probably won't get any answers that day. But at least I'll feel like we have finally accomplished *something*. That we may be on our way to helping him.

Tuesday of this week we received a letter from our insurance company (after only 6 1/2 months since our initial visit) that they are denying any testing for Zachary. Their reason is that it is only for "educational purposes" and there is nothing medically wrong with him.

Oh, realllly? Wanna come hang out with him 24/7?? Supposedly this Sheila should be able to help with referrels and insurances and appeals to get him whatever he needs. I hope so.

On another note, Zachary asked Chuck the night after he told me he wanted a new mom and dad:

Z: "Daddy, remember how I said I wanted a new momma and daddy?"

C: "Yep"

Z: "That was kind of a mean thing to say wasn't it?"

C: Well yea, buddy, it's wasn't really nice.

Z: I didn't really mean it. I do want you and momma as my momma and daddy.

This kid is really such a sweetheart. It was completely out of the blue and neither Chuck nor I mentioned it to him after my initial conversation with him about it. That's Zachary's saving grace...his sweet nature.

5 words to describe your marriage

Among the "moms" today there was discussion about what 5 words would describe your marriage/relationship.

It took me a few minutes to come up with some words. Not because I couldn't think of any, it's just that some didn't fit.

As I was reading through what other people had used to describe and define their relationship, I felt a little sad for them.

Comfortable, Relaxed, Safe were used on several peoples lists....and not just one of them, but ALL of them.

Chuck and I have a comfortable relationship and I definitely feel safe with him and relaxed around him. Afterall, we've been together for 10 years and have *almost* 3 children together. But I don't think of those words as defining our relationship. They are a part of it, sure, but doesn't define who we are.

I chose 5 words and still was struggling for the correct word on some of them:

Unconditional
Enjoyable
Hard
Passionate
Complimentary

After I wrote my words, another person used Challenging and I think I like that word even better than hard. Our relationship is full of challenges. It's definitely not perfect, however, we are both unconditionally committed to our relationship and making it work that not being perfect is a-ok. I would rather have a relationship that was enjoyable and passionate, than a laxa-daisy relationship that was so comfortable it became boring.

Why is our relationship challenging? Might I remind you of the *almost* 3 kids. That's challenge in and of itself. We also work opposite shifts and see each other maybe 10 minutes a day. And yes, we have problems. But those problems we are working on diligently, and I think we are becoming a stronger, more united couple because of it.

After I wrote my words down, I asked Chuck what words he would use to describe us. I think it's a good sign that we chose the same parts of our relationship to define us...and used similar (even though they aren't the same words).

Love
Commitment
Partnership
Frustrating
Kinky

So here's how I see our comparison:

Unconditional=Commitment
Enjoyable=Love (I didn't want to sound clique by using love. LOL)
Hard=Frustrating
Passionate=Kinky (um, yea, we are passionately kinky. Anyone knowing us IRL would say so!)
Complimentary=Partnership

And those words are all a-ok with me. While it's not perfect, it's the fact that we are working on it. And as one mom said "Getting better all the time".

That's us. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fears for this new baby of ours

As I said yesterday in my post, I want the best for my children.

A lot of pregnant women have fears.

Fears about what childbirth is going to be like.
Fears about what having a child is going to be like.
Fears about having 2, 3 or more children.
Fears about having quality time with each child.

I don't seem to have those fears. My fears are probably completely irrational to every other human being on the planet. But I think we take our own personal experiences and inflict them on what we do or DON'T want for our children.

Enter those fears for this pregnancy.

One of my biggest issues growing up was being overweight and ugly. Or at least feeling as such. Is it any wonder that I have an irrational fear of this baby girl being fat and ugly? I don't know why because my boys are absolutely adorable kids with no weight problems whatsoever, but with Chuck and I having BIG genes, I'm just afraid that it's going to be the girl that gets it. I know it's hard to explain but I'd rather have a big boy where you are considered husky and a football player than a fat girl and be just fat.

I'm also concerned about her being smart enough. Now, this isn't something that I really ever had problems with as a child. However, I felt I was expected to be above the bar in order to prove that just because you're a girl, doesn't mean you can't do something. Or maybe those expectations were only placed by me. But, some of this fear is rational. For the first 3 months of my pregnancy, I had a REALLY hard time remembering my prenatals...so i'm worried that that'll affect her in some horrible way. I guess some of that is my Catholic, mommy guilt too.

Then there is the caffeine addiction I have. I've been unable to kick caffeine all-together this pregnancy. With the boys, I gave it up cold turkey and I'm just hoping that it doesn't affect baby girl in some way as of yet unbeknownst to the dr's or myself. I've read some links of ADHD and caffeine during pregnancy, but considering where Zachary is at and the fact I didn't drink caffeine, maybe that link isn't completely there yet.

Most days I push these thoughts to the back of my head, but then there are days I wonder........

I'm an aunt again!

Welcome Baby Emma LeeAnn!

(Her middle name is after my Dad (Lee) and my SIL's sister (who died of colorectal cancer at age 29) and her mom...both middle names being Ann).

7 lbs, 7 oz and 21 3/4 inches long.

Momma ended up having a c-section because she was too exhausted to push any furthur. I finally talked to my brother and the baby was coming down the birth canal at an angle and got stuck. Kelly was throwing up after the c-section and as of 9:30 was still sick. She was not breastfeeding, as they are concerned its the flu and they don't want Emma to get sick too :(

Apparently, though, Dan was text messaging Kelly's sister while she was pushing. Hmmm, I think I would have had a few words to say about that.

I'm planning on going to the hospital tomorrow (sans the boys) to see baby Emma!

MIA and Zachary

Well, as you can see it's been quite some time since I've posted. That's not to say I haven't been thinking about my posts. I actually have 3 drafts started of notes of things I want to talk about, but I think I'll blame the weather for my lack of creativity and ability to write. Last year, I was diagnosed preliminary with seasonal depression. To say the least, it sucks. It hits me hard in Jan/Feb/ and March. So I'm dead in the middle of it. It's not quite as severe this year as in past years, probably due to the pregnancy, but I definitely notice myself MUCH more emotional and I want to be involved in less. I feel disenchanted from my mom's group...very much the outsider in a group of women I've grown to call my friends over the last year and a half. But suddenly, I'm feeling left out, forgotten, not just by them but at work as well. My mood is also such that I don't WANT to write. Even though now is the time I should.

In the meantime, I had my 25 week midwife appointment. Everything went well, I lost an additional 2 pounds making this a total loss of 12 lbs for this pregnancy. Woo! I love being pregnant for my weight loss. This time I AM going to keep it off after I have the baby! But just being pregnant has caused some extra emotion in my life, damn hormones.

So, that brings me to a place of extreme emotion and not wanting to deal with things, right?

Enter Zachary. As a mother, I want what is best for my children. I think all (well, at least most) mothers do. Last week, I was approached by Zachary's preschool teacher. The long and the short of it was he wasn't allowed to go out on recess because of his behavior. And then when he was told this, he went into a complete meltdown. Miss Pam informed me that if she had a day like that EVERY day she would have to ask us to remove him from preschool, it was that severe. We had had problems with Zachary and his behavior for about 4 days prior to that as well, just having some major issues listening, focusing, keeping his hands to himself, crying, meltdowns, tantrums, etc. This isn't completely atypical for him either but it definitely seems to come in cycles. I almost started crying with his teacher....I felt completely (and still do) at my wits end with trying to figure out how to deal with him. I asked her honest opinion about my oldest child and her response was that there would be no way that a kindergarden teacher could handle him and 27 students even on an okay day for Zachary. He's too high maintenance, too high strung, and has to be watched constantly. And on a bad day? Yikes.

We discussed how I've tried to get him seen by this psychologist who came highly recommended and had some suggestions at Zachary's "uniqueness". But after 4 months of calling, and no return phone calls on their behalf, I'm frustrated there too. Miss Pam explained about a program called KEEP (Keeping Early Education Positive) and suggested that we (as preschool and home) contact them and see what we can do to make his life successful. Miss Pam said that he's absolutely smart and picks up on things quickly and absorbs everything, but for as advanced as he is in that manner, he's just as far below socially and behaviorally. So, next week there will be a counselor coming to Zachary's school to evaluate him and talk to his teacher, Chuck and I and then make some recommendations on where we can go from here. Miss Pam suggested that Zachary will more than likely be referred out to a more in depth counselor/pscyhiatrist/psychologist because he has issues further than just being not disciplined at home.

While discussing this all with Chuck, I sobbed. Literally sobbed. I just want Zachary to succeed in life. He told me last weekend that he wanted to be an animal dr. At the rate he is going, he'll not be able to make that goal (if it's his goal at that part of his life). Not because he isn't smart enough but because he doesn't seem to have the ability at this point to focus and behave. I want that to change but I just don't know how!!!

The next day, Zachary explained to me that he wanted a new mom and dad. Ones that weren't so mean and yelled so much. I thought I sobbed the day before? Nothing at all compared to that day. Why? Children hate their parents sometimes right? Sure. But I do yell too much. I don't know how else to deal with him anymore. Nothing else has worked. Yelling isn't working, either, but I'm out of ideas. I emailed Chuck and told him I don't think I can be a mom anymore. Soo....a parent wants what's best for their child. What if what's best for them is to have a different mom? But I had to remind myself (after Chuck saying "well you are a mom! So we'll just have to figure out a better way to deal with him!") that God gave this child to me because I AM the best parent he can have. I will forge on to find out how best to handle him, how best to get him to succeed in school and life. Some parents, will say "well, they're just a bad seed. it's their problem and their fault". I know beter and will be an advocate for my child. It's just so tiring and exhausting in the meantime. And well, emotionally draining not to mention dehydrating from all those tears.

So, seasonal depression, pregnancy and a "spirited" child who needs special help didn't mesh well last week. I hope next week, the counselor can give us some hope. Chuck and I are both committed to doing what we need to do in order to give Zachary the best start he can have. I guess that's what makes me a good mom.