New Year...New Me.

I decided this year I wasn't going to do the traditional "New Year's Resolutions". Because every year I resolve to do something or not do something and it never works out, exactly as I had in mind anyways. So I decided this year I would just work on being a better me. I already resolved to not yell at my husband anymore back a few weeks ago (so far, so good).

But something else got me thinking. I need to lose weight. Everyone, including me, knows that. I was reading a friend's blog yesterday about her resolve to lose weight this year, along with her husband and I WANTED to do it too. But something wasn't right to me. I couldn't get it in my head that this is what I wanted to do. Needed to do. For me and my family.

I get it now.

Why the difference. I started thinking about how I've started allowing my weight to dictate the things that I do. I used to do that back in college...in my heavier days of college which are now my skinny days looking back. I always said that I wouldn't allow my weight to dictate who I am and what I do and it's happening again. Therfore, I must stop it.

Why? I got into a swimsuit at the Splash Village waterpark over Christmas break, but refused to go down the big slide. The thought of the tubes crashing down under my weight kept running through my head. Or me getting stuck in there with one of my boys. Or passing out from the exertion of going up all those stairs. And the whole while I was thinking these things, I was thinking "Lisa, WTH are you doing? GO up and ride the tubes with your boys. Do it!" But I couldn't.

Then yesterday, I really wanted to go sledding with the boys when we went out. But the exertion to go up the hill just to come back down and struggle to get up off the ground? Not really that appealing.

So it kinda hit me when Chuck asked me if I went down with them. He knows me too well. It bothers the hell out of me that I'm not doing things because of my weight. So, because there is less likelihood of me actually changing my mindset, I'm going to work to change my weight.

The damn scale I stepped onto tonight, that groaned my weight to me, had something to do with it too.

I have my plan of attack ready. I know the program backwards and forwards. Afterall, I used to teach this program to others. So why would it be so hard for me to stick with it? Because I have NO WILLPOWER. Because when I'm emotional I like to eat. Because after eating that and blowing it, I say "Fuck it" and eat more. My mom once told me it's a vicious cycle and it's true. So, I am enlisting my husband to help me stay accountable to myself and my kids.

I'm well on my way. No Mt. Dew today. Hooray for little victories.