Anger Attacks

First of all, my jeans that *just* came out of the dryer (so you know that means that are a little tighter than usual) are LOOSE on me! Well, not like drop off my butt loose, but way looser than what they were last Friday when I wore them for casual Fridays at work! Yipee, Hooray, and Yay! It's a step in the right direction anyway!

Secondly, I've been having problems with my anger for oh, about 3 years now. Since after having post partum depression with Zachary's birth. I have been directing my anger mostly towards my husband, and oh so sadly, the boys. Even for the smallest digression, on bad days I can blow up and cannot seem to control that. Then after I come down (usually about 2 hours later) I am wracked with guilt and remorse for being so hard on them and being such a, well, bitch. I had a friend tell me that it sounded like I was having anxiety attacks because I can feel it coming on, and is usually accompanied with stressful events, like what happened yesterday, but I'll talk about that in a moment. Anyway, after this happened AGAIN last night (after trying to calm down and take deep breaths and listening to calming music on the way home) I decided to get on the internet (dangerous stuff) and look at what anxiety attacks are about. That's when I found out about a sister to the anxiety attacks...the Anger Attacks.

Anger Attacks
*Irritable feelings in past 6 months (check)
*Angry overreaction to small irritations (check)
*1 or more anger attacks experienced in past month (double check)
*Inappropriate anger directed towards others (check)
*The occurrence of at least 4 of the following --
-heart pounding, racing (check)
-chest pains
-sweating
-shaking, trembling (check...my whole body tenses up and my insides shake)
-shortness of breath (check)
-dizziness, lightheadedness
-tingling, itching skin (tingling, check)
-fear of losing control (check)
-intense fear, anxiety (check)
-cold or hot flashes
-feeling like attacking others (check)
-attacking others (physically, verbally) (embarrassed check)
-throwing, destroying objects

I also found out that it's a sign or byproduct of unipolar depression. And low and behold, my birth control that I just started on can cause depression or worsen it with those people who already have it. Now, I typically don't feel depressed, but things have been overwhelming me this month. So I guess it comes and goes. Last month was good...the month before not so good, the month before that horrible. But, a lot has been going on in my life during those months so I thought nothing of it. So I'm going to call the dr. and make an appt and see if they can figure something out for me. I really would like to get back to being a happy, go-lucky, outgoing Lisa again. And I'm sure the boys and my hubby would as well.

Now, as to what triggered my problem even more. When picking up the boys at daycare yesterday, the Asst Director approached me regarding Zachary. Apparently, there were two parents that approached her yesterday regarding my oldest's behavior. First, there is a girl who is terrified of Zachary. She is a little timid and shy, and he is very gregarious and well, in your face, literally and figuratively. The second girl, he apparently punched in the neck. No one saw the incident and no one knows exactly what happened, and the girl didn't say anything until that evening to her mother and then according to said mother "she cried ALL NIGHT long because it hurt so bad". So, they are "watching him more closely now". She then goes on to tell me that I need to be on the same page and enforce no hitting rules at home. Um, hello! Do ya think? So, I then asked if they were having any problems with Lucas Michael. She said just that he doesn't talk and it's frustrating for everyone involved and "we can't have this much longer". WHAT??? Can't have the fact that my 21 month old son isn't speaking yet? I informed her that Zachary didn't talk till he was over 2 and he speaks perfectly fine now...but maybe she's concerned that he learned his hitting behavior from not speaking and being frustrated....I don't know. Anyway, she said she's going to work with Lucas more on trying to get him to talk. So I discuss it with Chuck who tells me not to take it personally...she's not trying to call me a bad mom (which I totally feel like she was). Fast forward to this morning. I go in and talk to Zachary's teachers. Tell them that I without a doubt want to know about any disagreements, scuffles, hitting or pushing problems they have with him. I need to know and deal with it at home too. She then tells me that none of the other kids like Zachary or want to play with him because when they say they don't want to play he'll play with them anyway and push himself into their groups. Aren't they supposed to be learning social skills during preschool? Isn't that what we are paying TONS of bucks for? I told her that she needed to be firm with Zachary and let him know that it's not acceptable behavior and that just redirecting him without discussing that that behavior is a problem, will not teach him not to do it again. She then goes on to tell me that his stuttering problem (which I asked them to update me on 3 weeks ago) is getting WORSE. Well, of course it is! He's a sensitive kid who knows that the other kids don't like him and is feeling stressed about it and it's coming out in his stuttering...again! I am very irritated with the school as a whole for such poor communication...and so very very sad that no one likes Zachary.

I know for a fact that Zachary isn't an angel but the threat was there to throw him out of the school/daycare if things don't get better. Well, if no one saw it how do they know what the circumstances were? What if it were an accident? Or she provoked him? Or did he actually hold her down and punch her repeatedly? It all makes a difference as to how I would approach the discipline of it. *sigh* Also, how about working and playing with the kids and showing them how to interact with each other? I don't know what the solution is, but I'm incredibly frustrated by the whole situation. It's hard for me not being able to just "fix" things for my family.