Mysterious Ways

We went to church this weekend. It's been a few weekends since we've been, mostly because we've been out of town almost every weekend for holidays or post-holiday functions. However, I love going to church. I can almost always find something within the sermon that pertains very specifically to my life. I was not disappointed.

God works in very mysterious ways. Hot on the heels of my post regarding anxiety/anger attacks and possible depression, Sunday's sermon was regarding anxiety and stress. Deacon Andy broke down all the stresses/anxieties we have in our lives and according to surveys/studies only 8% of anxiety is warranted. 8%. He concluded with the message of offer up all your anxiety to the Lord and rely on him to help. I prayed about that during our quiet time after Communion. And he's right. I only need to trust and have faith that God has a plan for me and to try to work towards that plan.

I am also trying to figure out our current daycare/work arrangements. I'm concerned about the boys in the current daycare and then there's a position that opened up on days for Chuck and on nights, again, for me. What to do? I've been stressing about the right decision for the family. One of the lines in our hymns this weekend was "Don't be afraid. I will always go before you." I felt that message go straight to my heart.

Now we come to the other message that goes straight to my heart, everytime single time I go to church. And that is that these deep seeded feelings that we're not done having children. I don't know whether it's my desire to have a little girl (and there are TONS of baby girls in church) or that God has a plan for us yet. Chuck and I have decided that we were through having children. But we both would love a little girl; however, there are so many factors. Like our sanity. Like having children is expensive. Like we don't have enough room for another child in our home. Like our sanity (I know I already mentioned that, but it's worth repeating!) There's days when we both have our hands so full with the two boys that I am wondering how we can handle them. Who thought that we were ready for these two children? And yet, there is that feeling I have when I walk into the church. (Chuck says we should just stop going to church so I'll stop having these feelings :)) I have baby pains sometimes, where I'm holding a baby and think I like this. I want to do this again. But it's nothing compared to the knowledge I have when within the house of God that I'm not done.

Anger Attacks

First of all, my jeans that *just* came out of the dryer (so you know that means that are a little tighter than usual) are LOOSE on me! Well, not like drop off my butt loose, but way looser than what they were last Friday when I wore them for casual Fridays at work! Yipee, Hooray, and Yay! It's a step in the right direction anyway!

Secondly, I've been having problems with my anger for oh, about 3 years now. Since after having post partum depression with Zachary's birth. I have been directing my anger mostly towards my husband, and oh so sadly, the boys. Even for the smallest digression, on bad days I can blow up and cannot seem to control that. Then after I come down (usually about 2 hours later) I am wracked with guilt and remorse for being so hard on them and being such a, well, bitch. I had a friend tell me that it sounded like I was having anxiety attacks because I can feel it coming on, and is usually accompanied with stressful events, like what happened yesterday, but I'll talk about that in a moment. Anyway, after this happened AGAIN last night (after trying to calm down and take deep breaths and listening to calming music on the way home) I decided to get on the internet (dangerous stuff) and look at what anxiety attacks are about. That's when I found out about a sister to the anxiety attacks...the Anger Attacks.

Anger Attacks
*Irritable feelings in past 6 months (check)
*Angry overreaction to small irritations (check)
*1 or more anger attacks experienced in past month (double check)
*Inappropriate anger directed towards others (check)
*The occurrence of at least 4 of the following --
-heart pounding, racing (check)
-chest pains
-sweating
-shaking, trembling (check...my whole body tenses up and my insides shake)
-shortness of breath (check)
-dizziness, lightheadedness
-tingling, itching skin (tingling, check)
-fear of losing control (check)
-intense fear, anxiety (check)
-cold or hot flashes
-feeling like attacking others (check)
-attacking others (physically, verbally) (embarrassed check)
-throwing, destroying objects

I also found out that it's a sign or byproduct of unipolar depression. And low and behold, my birth control that I just started on can cause depression or worsen it with those people who already have it. Now, I typically don't feel depressed, but things have been overwhelming me this month. So I guess it comes and goes. Last month was good...the month before not so good, the month before that horrible. But, a lot has been going on in my life during those months so I thought nothing of it. So I'm going to call the dr. and make an appt and see if they can figure something out for me. I really would like to get back to being a happy, go-lucky, outgoing Lisa again. And I'm sure the boys and my hubby would as well.

Now, as to what triggered my problem even more. When picking up the boys at daycare yesterday, the Asst Director approached me regarding Zachary. Apparently, there were two parents that approached her yesterday regarding my oldest's behavior. First, there is a girl who is terrified of Zachary. She is a little timid and shy, and he is very gregarious and well, in your face, literally and figuratively. The second girl, he apparently punched in the neck. No one saw the incident and no one knows exactly what happened, and the girl didn't say anything until that evening to her mother and then according to said mother "she cried ALL NIGHT long because it hurt so bad". So, they are "watching him more closely now". She then goes on to tell me that I need to be on the same page and enforce no hitting rules at home. Um, hello! Do ya think? So, I then asked if they were having any problems with Lucas Michael. She said just that he doesn't talk and it's frustrating for everyone involved and "we can't have this much longer". WHAT??? Can't have the fact that my 21 month old son isn't speaking yet? I informed her that Zachary didn't talk till he was over 2 and he speaks perfectly fine now...but maybe she's concerned that he learned his hitting behavior from not speaking and being frustrated....I don't know. Anyway, she said she's going to work with Lucas more on trying to get him to talk. So I discuss it with Chuck who tells me not to take it personally...she's not trying to call me a bad mom (which I totally feel like she was). Fast forward to this morning. I go in and talk to Zachary's teachers. Tell them that I without a doubt want to know about any disagreements, scuffles, hitting or pushing problems they have with him. I need to know and deal with it at home too. She then tells me that none of the other kids like Zachary or want to play with him because when they say they don't want to play he'll play with them anyway and push himself into their groups. Aren't they supposed to be learning social skills during preschool? Isn't that what we are paying TONS of bucks for? I told her that she needed to be firm with Zachary and let him know that it's not acceptable behavior and that just redirecting him without discussing that that behavior is a problem, will not teach him not to do it again. She then goes on to tell me that his stuttering problem (which I asked them to update me on 3 weeks ago) is getting WORSE. Well, of course it is! He's a sensitive kid who knows that the other kids don't like him and is feeling stressed about it and it's coming out in his stuttering...again! I am very irritated with the school as a whole for such poor communication...and so very very sad that no one likes Zachary.

I know for a fact that Zachary isn't an angel but the threat was there to throw him out of the school/daycare if things don't get better. Well, if no one saw it how do they know what the circumstances were? What if it were an accident? Or she provoked him? Or did he actually hold her down and punch her repeatedly? It all makes a difference as to how I would approach the discipline of it. *sigh* Also, how about working and playing with the kids and showing them how to interact with each other? I don't know what the solution is, but I'm incredibly frustrated by the whole situation. It's hard for me not being able to just "fix" things for my family.

Ah, the little things....

Last night, after bathtime and peanut butter rice krispie treat time, we settled down to watch 10 minutes of t.v. before bedtime. Zachary and I have been watching Skating with Celebrities the last couple of times that we watch "mommy t.v." and Zachary asked for it again last night. He told me that he loves watching it and wants to learn to skate like that. If you ask me, he just wants to be skating with all the pretty women from the show! Anyway, needless to say it wasn't on last night; however, American Idol was. He kept paying close attention to the judges when they were on. He kept saying "you see that girl" and then it would pan away from the judges...he would get upset...it would go back to the judges and he'd start saying it all over again, just to be interrupted as they went back to the contestant. Finally, he got to tell me what he wanted to.
That girl (meaning Paula Abdul) looks just like Miss Kyla (from daycare). I asked him if he liked Miss Kyla (who is about 17 and really cute) and he got all shy and blushed. My 3 1/2 year old boy actually blushed talking about a girl! Anway, he said he does like Miss Kyla because she comes to his school every day and sometimes plays with him, but sometimes just tells his friends not to hit, and she's very pretty. What am I going to have on my hands when he turns 16!!!

To top it all off he's super cute and charming and has the longest eye lashes I've ever seen! Just last night he was sitting on my lap and looks at me with those blue eyes and dark lashes and says "I love you, do you know that?" and this mommy's heart melt. He's getting so big as evidenced by the fact he doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore, just his. He still wants me in there with him....but he'll sleep in his own bed, thank you.

People have given me crap about sleeping with the boys and having to lay with them to put them to sleep, but really, I think I love the cuddles and need them just as much as they do. To me, there's nothing better than ending the day with my boys in my arms, telling me without words that I'm their mommy, keeping them safe from the world, from the dark, from any harm. That with me they feel comfortable. How can that be a bad thing? I knew the day would come when Zachary no longer wanted to sleep with us, but I hate seeing my baby boy get big.

Lucas Michael was watching Nemo this morning after waking up about an hour early (during my 45 minutes of peace and quiet before I have to get the boys up *sigh* maybe tomorrow). As he was watching it, I was making lunches in the kitchen. I know this movie by heart, as it used to be Zachary's favorite movie at this age too. There is the part where the fish all scream as the diver's come to take Nemo away and Zachary always used to scream with them. I forgot about that until this morning when Lucas did the same thing. It was like a walk down memory lane. Needless to say, Zachary no longer does that. It's funny to me how the boys can be so different in some ways, but in little ways are so much alike.

On a different topic, I went walking again yesterday. Yep, went last week with some other mommies and then again yesterday. I'll be walking on my own today. I honestly feel great after walking yesterday. Super sore, but I'm getting the hang of it. And then, this morning, I put my sweater on and I swear that's its bigger! I don't know if it's just a matter of my mind wishing it so, or if my eating better and cutting out the Mt. Dew is helping, but I'm happy about it anyways! Next step is to dig the scale out of the garage so I can actually start keeping track and keeping myself motivated.

Baby Words

Oh, how I love the baby words. The misprounounciations of everything and the cute ways they have of saying their own words. And I'm even more ecstatic to hear Lucas Michael pronouncing words especially since a. he has never spoken much and b. I'm so sick to death of hearing my in-laws (mainly SIL) ask if he's talking yet because the nephew is and maybe I should take him to see a speech therapist (grr...). Anyway, last week alone he started saying all kinds of "Lucas words" and I still get giddy with each word. His daycare teacher said he's really been watching her lips whenever she talks or reads to him plus he's been asking to read a billion books a day, so I knew it would be soon that he'd start jabbering (plus he's nearing his second birthday) but I'm still so happy! Chuck says I'm stretching it, but he says the same "word" over and over for the same item. He's just mispronouncing it! Here's his newest words:

ball
ear
eye ("ah")
other eye *LOL* He really does say "otha ah"
nose ("nahs")
ow!
Hello or Hi ("elo")
Jake ("ake")
Nemo ("ema")

He's says ZZZZ for Zachary and still calls Chuck Mama which is funny considering that Daddy was Zachary's very first word. Guess Lucas is a momma's boy!

I'll hang onto the baby words for as long as possible, as long as I know what he's saying. Zachary is losing more and more of his baby words and it's really sad. In some ways it's a daily reminder that their childhood is fleeting.

Weighty Issues

There has been something that has been weighing on my mind very heavily for the last 2 weeks but even more so within the last 2 days. See, while my weight still continues to rise much to my dismay and wondermont, my husband's weight is steadily dropping-dramatically! At the beginning of last year he was squeezing into a size 50 pant, now...just this weekend...he got into a size 44 pant. And I'm sure he's dropped at least one shirt size...although he's still wearing his old ones. He was diagnosed bi-polar last September or so and we went through a rough time of wrong medications...but they've got him on this new medication that causes the takers to lose 2-3 lbs per week (and is working wonderful for as his mood stabilizer). Plus, eating better along with me and the boys and giving up regular Mt. Dew have caused a great weight loss. Don't get me wrong. I'm ECSTATIC that he's getting healthier and losing weight so we have less of a chance of dealing with the diabetes that afflicts his dad...but a part of me, a large part today, is incredibly jealous and down right pissy about it. But, then again, everything is seeming to bother me more this month. But some of it comes from the fact he's been dancing around for two days singing "I'm too sexy for my pants..." and the likes of that. Some of it has been from his comment of "Wow, you HAVE gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time" when I told him I could fit in the same pants he's wearing when I came home from the hospital after having Lucas less than 2 years ago (that wasn't meant to be derogatory and I know that...it's more concern of why my weight has increased so fast...but it still hurts) and some of it comes from hearing him tell his friend on the phone tonight "well, my wife is a lot bigger so it took longer to feel the baby through all those layers" which is the truth but like I said...it still hurts. Some of my jealousy and yes, a little fear, comes from the fact that I'm AFRAID that he's going to get skinny and hot, and leave me for someone smaller. I know that's an irrational fear because he loves me dearly and I know that, but that's where my self-esteems issues come into play I guess. He knows how upset I am by him losing and me NOT and has told me that he'll stop if I want him to be fat :) Which I of course don't. I want him to be healthy....I just wish I was doing as well as he is. I'm starting to think I need his shrink to start slipping me some of those magic pills!!!!!! So that's it. And of course the more upset I get, the more I eat because that's my one comfort item anymore. Some people smoke (gave that up 4 1/2 years ago), some people drink (well sure that sounds good but who can deal with a hangover and two toddlers? Plus, I'm not that big of a drinker) but I eat. So I guess I need to break that cycle first.

New Year's Resolutions....

"There is a skinny woman inside of me, screaming to get out. Fortunately, I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies"--Author Unknown

Well, it's January and someone once said that you have until the end of January to start your resolutions. I have actually already started one but am working on the rest.

1. Lose weight. And I'm not talking just a couple of pounds. My first goal is to lose 32 lbs by my birthday, April 28. I had thought about making it March 18, which is the Mother/Son dance here in my town, but I think that was unrealistic. (I'm well on my way to this goal, evidenced by making chocolate chip cookies with my boys Friday night and eating quite a few. *sigh* I'm having a hard time to say the least, but that's fodder for another post)

2. Give up pop! YAY! I'm well on my way to this goal. I've had about 5 pops since January 1. Kudos to me!

3. Become a more patient mommy. I love my boys beyond belief but I'm not the most patient person in the world. I also want to become more aggressive with people who tick me off so that I'm not so apt to take my frustrations out on the boys.

4. Not let what my SIL and MIL say to me bother me. I get so worked up about how they think I'm a bad mom, that I get short with everyone in my life. I'm trying to be my own judge and not let everyone else judge me first....or at least take it personally.

Well, that about does it. But really that covers a lot of topics! I thought maybe if I posted them than I'd have a more rigid guideline to follow and stay true to. Wish me luck!

Part Two: Ten Things about my Boys

Lucas Michael

1. My baby. He was the easy birth. I actually started contractions at McDonald's while Zachary was playing in the playland. Chuck was angry that I was in McDonald's while I was laboring. I went to the hospital they sent me home and we went to Ponderosa with my mom and dad for dinner and I continued to labor there! The waitress wouldn't wait on our table...I'm sure I was quite a sight. I was having contractions every 2 minutes when we left to go to the hospital. 2 hours later I had Lucas in my arms breastfeeding.

2. He took to breastfeeding like a natural...and ate up! He's still like that. This boy LOVES his food. He's far from being chubby, but he'll easily eat 3-4 pieces of sausage at a sitting. One night he ate two hamburgers...Lucas doesn't mess around when it comes to eating and never has.

3. I LOVE his contagious, infectious smile. And his one dimple on the right side of his cheek. Just like his daddy. Lucas looks so much like his daddy and I love seeing it.

4. Lucas was born with black hair that turned blonde, but has always had blue eyes...until recently where I've noticed he has a line of brown going through one half of one eye. It's the coolest thing in the world.

5. He has a TEMPER! He started throwing tantrums at 6 months old! He loves to throw himself on the floor and start banging his head repeatedly. You'd think he'd learn that it hurts, but he still does it!

6. Lucas has already had two black eyes, but many more scrapes and bruises. He's a little bruiser and LOVES getting into the scrap heap with his brother and older cousins. Nothing holds him down.

7. Daredevil! One word. He loves anything where he can jump, or be thrown, from high places :)

8. Lucas started walking at age 9 months, but still isn't talking much at 20 months. But he's very adept at communicating(he knows some signs) and if you can't figure it out still. He'll just do it himself.

9. He's also a problem solver. It's nothing to find him piling things up or dragging things in from other rooms so that he can climb on them to get what he wants/needs. He's been doing this for months and it's always a source of frustration for me and for him when mommy foils his plans!

10. You can already tell he's going to have a GREAT sense of humor. He loves to laugh and play games and tricks on people and generally mess with people. Like his brother. With Zachary being so anal, Lucas will do things just to get that reaction from Zachary and then laugh like crazy when he does!

There you go...there's my interpretations of my two cutie patooties. I love them more than life itself and cherish every moment that they allow me to hold, cuddle, hug and kiss them. Because I know in a few years, they'll be too old for mom.

Tag...I'm it!

Well, I was tagged by Jenn on the boys' blog to write "Ten Things about my Boys". I decided since some of these things may be my own personal feelings about them I'd write about it here:

Zachary:

1. My first-born. My induced labor child who made me swear I'd never be induced again. I fell in love with him immediately being laid upon my chest, bloody and covered in cheese, yet, blue. I was scared to death that he was dead. Then he wound himself up and started to cry. That's just like Zachary: takes him time to do everything, but when he does he does it with a bang!

2. Zachary started walking at about 10 1/2 months old. Running at 12 months old, climbing before he could walk. He's a problem solver and while that is a frustration to no end, I'm also VERY proud of the fact that he is very independent and thinks things out for himself. He had learned how to push a chair up to the counter and climb onto the counter, get into the cupboards and get his snacks out himself at about 1 year old.

3. I love watching him sleep. He used to use a binky while he was sleeping, but at 3 years old he told me he wanted the binky fairy to take it to his newest baby cousin so he could use them. He is an incredibly thoughtful child, and sometimes just a little too sensitive too...which brings me to:

4. He cries when other kids don't want to play with him. He's typically very good about showing his emotions and he was about 2 1/2 when he went and sat down in the sandbox at the park looking very sad. I wandered over and asked what the problem was....he said he was very sad that the other kids didn't want to play with him, and didn't like him. It broke my heart. How do you explain the meanness of some kids to a little guy who just wants to make everyone happy?

5. Zachary is incredibly opionated and always has been. I guess I've been cursed with a child who is almost exactly like me. We get into so many head on head battles and neither of us want to give in. I know this is not the end of this problem.

6. Routine, routine, routine. This child of mine thrives on routine. I remember one time when a friend was watching him and gave Zachary a bath and Steve turned out the light when they were done. Zachary wasn't talking yet, but he threw the biggest fit for about 1 hour. Steve had no idea what the problem was. But, upon arriving home, we totally knew. Switching the light off is ZACHARY'S job! You cannot do things that aren't your job...or do them out of order. It throws his little world into a tither.

7. He stayed at home with me during the day until he was 2 1/2. I loved and hated being home with him. I suffered from Post Partum depression with Zachary until he was 18 months old and never really connected the way I wanted to with him. We have a GREAT relationship now that I work days and am home every night with him.

8. He looks JUST like me when I was his age....cut off my pigtails and you have Zachary.

9. Zachary loves being a big brother. He has a tendency to try to be the mom/dad to Lucas but he's trying to keep him safe. Just this morning, Zachary leaned down and gave his brother hugs and kisses as we were leaving the house just because. I love seeing them like that.

10. Zachary is a Grandma's boy. He LOVES his Grandma B and I CANNOT do anything when Grandma B is around. Forget that he loves his mommy, mommy who? Grandma's here! But I'm glad that he has that kind of relationship with his grandparents.

I'll blog about Lucas next...so stay tuned!