Chuck posed this question to me this weekend after yet another one of our friends retold his divorce saga.
My answer was a quick "Divorced" answer. But then I thought for a minute. Sure, we've had some really hard times, but I think a lot of our hard times has to do with not enough time, not enough money, and stresses from the kids.
Without having the kids, would we have the problems we've had in the last 2 1/2 years? Yet, would we feel as fulfilled in our lives as we do now, even though in our relationship we've had issues? Would that lack of fulfillment drive us furthur apart?
It's easy to say we'd be divorced if all the circumstances were the same as now, minus the kids. However, it's hard to say that the circumstances would be the same. Having kids changes everything in your life. Even your relationship with your spouse.
The more I thought about this, the more I thought, "man, people probably think we are just staying together for the kids." That's not true...at least not for me. (I can't speak for my husband.) I don't feel like I'm trapped in a loveless marriage because of the kids. I feel that because of the kids, we work harder at our relationship. Work harder at staying together because of what we want for our family. Work harder at staying in love.
Because beyond all the fairy tales that you hear, love and marriage and relationships are not easy. There are problems. There are compromises. It's when you stop working to be better, stronger, and stay together for each other that you run into problems.
8 years ago
3 comments:
Great post, Lisa. You've made some very good points (especially about many of the "hard times" resulting either directly or indirectly from having a family to support and raise). Personally, I reckon when a husband & wife lose all their shared interests and hobbies and only EVER talk to each other about their kids, then they're heading for trouble. When their kids have left home, they'll have nothing in common anymore. I think you're like me and make sure that when you're on a date night, you don't just talk about your kids the whole time! But sadly some people "lose themselves" when they become parents, and in doing so, they are essentially taking away the person their spouse married ...
Most all of our issues have come from the same things. Not enough time together, kid stresses, money woes.... We nearly did divorce and went as far as to file for separation. I didn't want it and, as it turned out, neither did he. That's when we learned how to comminucate, see problems as their starting and work together towards fixing them. It's made a huge difference, too. We were married for more than 14 years before I was finally able to accept that he married me because he loved me and wanted me, instead of because I was pregnant. I was the only person to not get that as everyone has always said he adores the ground I walk on....
Even when I'm in a weeping pile on the floor, he tells me I'm his strength. When he's closing down and distancing himself, he's still my rock. It's weird when you think about it, but it's true. We've learned not to take each other for granted, or our relationship. It really does take work, but it's so worth it.
I agree 110% Hubby and I joke that without the kids we would do so much more, but the truth is they complete who we are as a couple.
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