2007-11-27

Beware. Lots of rants ahead I'm afraid.

So I have another HUGE post in my drafts. But I'm sitting on that one. Thinking about all the ramifications if I post it. Because it isn't pretty. At. All.

However, I felt it prudent to warn anyone reading my blog that you might want to stop from now on. It's going to turn to the ugly side of Lisa.

Why?

Because I have promised my husband that I will no longer yell at him. Ever.

The person he fell in love with is MUCH different than the person I am today. Unfortunately he hasn't changed at all...so it's not like I can throw that in his face. The person I am today, with him, is the person I guess I am on the inside. I'm raw. Feeling. Emotional. Angry. Tempermental. Controlling.

However, I've always been that way, I have just always been really, really good at hiding it. I used to be so upbeat and outgoing and I'm not like that now. So, I'm going back to that. I'm going back to how I was when we were just dating before I felt comfortable enough to let the beast out.

But that means that I have to vent *somewhere*. Otherwise, I'll explode. So, I'm venting here. Because one of the other things that I did yesterday was quit my mom's group. Where I had made some good friends....but the addiction of the board was taking over. I have an addictive personality and the board was keeping me planted on my ass instead of fulfilling my wifely and motherly duties. So I quit. They discontinued me as a member. I'm sad about that, but I feel it's for the best.

Have you ever sat down and think about how others perceive you? I guess I don't. Because according to my husband everyone else perceives me as a bitch. I don't see that myself. The people at work all seem to geniunely like me (even if I can't stand some of them). One of the guys I work with said he'd be sad if I left because he enjoys sitting next to me and having some intellectual conversation and debate sometimes. I've never thought about the things I say because I mean them how I say them...without much of anything behind it...but apparently it doesn't come across that way. So, now, I guess I'll be re-thinking anything I have to say. Or maybe I just won't say anything at all.

I have a black/white personality. I'm starting to realize this. It's all or nothing with me. Either I talk or I don't talk. But I don't know how to do it any other way. Either I do EVERYTHING in the house, or I do nothing. I've tried to work through some of these issues with counselors but the 2 I've gone to have done absolutely nothing for me. At all. Told me I need more time to myself and to control those around me so that I can keep better control of myself. Yes...she said that. No help at all.

So you have been warned.

6 comments:

Hannah said...

I only "know" you from blogging, but I don't think you're a bitch. At all.

Now I am really curious about your post that is "waiting in the wings". LOL.

Simply Elephant said...

Can I just say that I think you and I are more alike than we ever knew? I could have seriously written a lot of your post. Word for word. You've actually really inspired me by leaving MMS. I've gotten really addicted to it, too, and I'm starting to wonder if I should follow in your footsteps because I do feel like I'm not half the mom/wife I used to be when I wasn't glued to my computer chair for hours. I'm here for you - vent away!

XOXOXO said...

I like to think of you as my sister from another mother. You and I are very similar in our tastes, habits and choices in men. I do not, have not, would not, think of you as a bitch. Ever. I understand why you left the board, but promising to be something/someone you are not is not the way I would go. Maybe promise to find that part of you that seems lost. Maybe promise to try to be less controling, but promising to be NOT YOU is not a promise you can keep. Like it or not, you are not the woman he fell in love with. Now you are a wife, a mother, a co worker and a friend. Things change. Life changes. That's the way shit goes, babe.

noname said...

I made that promise to Mike once. Didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would. It's not something I'll ever do again and we've both learned to vent without screaming at each other. There are times when I hold back but mostly because I need a breather so as not to come across in the wrong way. My blog has certainly helped me work things out that before I started blogging, would have had me screaming to him.

GRANDMA said...

AS YOUR DAD WOULD SAY....IT'S THE "HART" IN YOU!
& IF THESE MEN WOULD DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO DO, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO HOLLAR AT THEM! ;)

Alexia said...

I agree with grandma :D

Seriously though Lisa, I still think that was a courageous step to take...leaving MMS...I'm addicted and I don't think I could do that, not yet anyways.

Listen, mail me your e-mail bc we need to get together! Also, I need info about breast pumps and I know a counselor if you're still interested. (my mom, but she's REALLY good...and free). Alexia(at)voyager(dot)net

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