Chocolate is Lucas' crack.

I wish I were kidding.

Hide your candy if you ever come to my house.

Well, I should say "Hide your expensive, imported truffles with creamy hazelnuts centers" because that seems to be his crack of choice right now.

He obviously gets this from his father...as when I get truffles, or most any chocolate for that matter, I bring them home to Chuck...who promptly eats it. Again, as long as it's imported.

I can't tell you how many times "those Hersey hacks" has been heard in my home. I think Lucas has picked up on his father's disdain for normal, everyday American chocolate.

For Christmas, from my boss, I received a VERY large container with Italian hazelnut truffles. Apparently, they are very good...I have yet to try one. Lucas has had several and I'm pretty sure Chuck has gotten into them a couple of times. Chuck even told me to "Keep Lucas out of his truffles". Um, yea, sure. That's gonna happen.

Just this morning, Lucas came to me in the office with his mouth obviously full of something, begging me for a kiss and hug. I give them to him and ask what's in his mouth.

"Nothing" (as chocolatey spittle drips from the corner of his mouth).

By the time I got up from the chair and walked into the living room he was already unwrapping another one.

Well, good news is: imported chocolate only comes around once in a great while. Enjoy it while you can, boys.

Don't know if I can type this without crying...

I'm exhausted.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I'm sick of working. I'm so sick of dealing with stupid, ignorant people. I'm so sick of dealing with people who are my bosses that I have to run around after to make sure that things are completed so I don't have to deal with the shit when it's not.

I'm sick of being a mom...well, that's not really true. I'm sick of being a mom and having a billion things to do other than taking my son to the park. I'm sick of being a mom and expected to be a working woman. I'm sick of being a mom and a wife and a daughter and, and, and, and.....

I know that everyone goes through this. I understand that.

I get angry though at times like these. I get angry at myself for not being able to be perfect at absolutely everything. I get angry at my husband for not understanding why this is all so difficult for me. I get angry with my kids for not cooperating.

And then, apparently, I'm mean. And that's why everyone hates me. Or at least that's the interpretation I get from said husband.

I am mean. I'm mean because I grew up with the mentality that if you are mean, at least SOMETHING gets done. I'm so sick of being nice and NOTHING getting done. I try that again and again and again and then I'm stressed to the max, tired, and still have nothing done. So, yes, I get mean.

I hate that people think I have an ulterior motive for the things I do. I hate that certain people never see all the other stuff I say, think or do to TRY to make things better for our family. To try to change my ways. To try to do special, nice things for my husband. Everything, apparently in some people's opinions, is so that I can look the hero and make myself look better to everyone else.

WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE BECAUSE I WANT TO TRY TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON HAPPY?

Like planning on getting him an mp3 player, researching types, looking at prices and then having to figure something ELSE to get because his parents already bought him one???? And adding just one more thing to my list to worry about and try to squeeze into a schedule that is already packed full of holiday stuff.

I'm sick of worrying about what other people think of me. And I said at the beginning of 2006 that it was something I wanted to work on. And I have tried. I have said no to certain family obligations. I have cut down from years past on things that we do every weekend...so that we can spend family time. But NONE of that is seen! NONE of that counts at all...it's just never enough.

That's the story of my life...no matter what I do...it's never enough to please everyone. Hell, half the time I can't please anyone.

17 week Dr. Appt

On Monday, I saw Sameerah again. I actually don't see a obstetrician, I see a midwife.

I. LOVE. HER.

Seriously, she's wonderful. She's had 5 children of her own and is just a good hearted, down to earth woman.

But she made me laugh on Monday. After asking how I was feeling, and me explaining that I still feel like shit most days between the fatigue and the nausea...she asked what time I went to bed.

I explained that I normally go to bed about 2 and get up about 7 with the boys and to take Chuck to work (the van has been broken, so we were down to one vehicle). Sameerah exclaimed "2 in the MORNING?" Yep. "NO, that won't do. You need to be in bed by 11 pm. You aren't getting enough sleep." Weeellll, that's when I had to explain that I work until 1 am. I'm lucky if I'm sleeping by 2...it's usually closer to 2:30 am.

So, apparently, my body is run down and that's why I'm still having bouts of nausea and dry heaves. Wonderful.

I also gained 5 lbs. Boo for me. That seemed like a lot for one month but they weren't concerned at all, stating that they expect women to gain 5-10 lbs by 20 weeks. Considering I'm still a net LOSS of 8 lbs, I guess I'm doing ok.

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. It never gets old. 140's to 150's. Lucas thinks its pretty cool too.

Our "big" ultrasound is scheduled for January 3rd. I guess I gotta figure out if I want to know between now and then :)

Aw, my boys

This morning I was showering and I asked Zachary to make himself and his brother some frozen waffles for breakfast.

I have no qualms whatsoever about him getting out the toaster, plugging it in, and cooking the waffles.

This morning, however, I smelled something burning when I got out of the shower. I wrap a towel around myself and ask what's going on.

Zachary's answer?

"I'm cooking"

me: WHAT are you cooking?

Z: well, we toasted some marshmallows.

me: WHAT?

Z: We toasted some marshmallows. But it wasn't hot enough over top of the toaster so we dropped them in.

I check. Sure enough there are MINI marshmallows now blackened charcoal bits in my toaster. One of them is flaming.

So, lessons learned? 1) Marshmallows don't toast in the toaster.
2) Don't leave the mini marshmallows within boys' reach. 3) My kids are smart as hell.

*******************************************************
The boys have also decided on a name for the new baby.

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

Baby Jesus.

Yep. They think Baby Jesus (with the middle name Christ, of course) is the perfect name for our baby if it's a boy.

Chuck said it will go along great with the explitives we sometimes exclaim about the two boys currently :)

Bound, Bound, and Rebound.

So, my husband and my friend Matt told me that my last few posts were a bit harsh. A bit on the ugly, ranting, scary Lisa side. Granted. But like Chuck said "At least she's taking it on the rest of the world, and not on me at home". True nuff.

Last weekend, the boys only had a few minutes before bedtime. And during that time I HATE starting a movie because then they think they should watch the entire thing. The meltdowns that come with me telling them they can't see the end are usually spectacular. So, I don't do that if I can avoid it.

That's why I love movie shorts from Pixar. One in particular is called Boundin' and is on the 2nd disc of The Incredibles (along with Jack Jack Attack which is hilarious if you haven't seen that one).

Anyway, after having a crappy week and being in a crappy mood from all the work stuff, family stuff, etc, etc, etc, Boundin' kinda made me look at my life again in a renewed vision. Something Chuck has been trying to tell me for some time: That I control my moods. My attitude. And that I shouldn't let outside influences make me so upset. That I need to look inside myself for my happiness and peace. Honest to God, I do try. I'm just not very good at it yet.

I wanted to share the story of Boundin' for those that haven't seen it, and to remind myself of what I need to remember.

The story is about a little sheep, all white and fluffy and cute. He dances in the sunshine "showing off his stuff" and all his little prarie friends join him in his dancing. Until the big mean human comes and shears him naked. Then all his friend laugh at him, tell him he's funny looking and *gasp* PINK.

Then along come a jackolope. This is the song that insues:


“Hey kid, why the mope?”

“I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I’d dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that’s not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink.”


“Pink? Pink? Well, what’s wrong with pink?
Seems you’ve got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color?
Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down,
When you find that you’re down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you’re complete!


“Now as for the dancin’, you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you’ll find you’re up in what’s called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you’re up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…”

So in short, for me, I may have been feeling down but take a look around me. I have my health, a great family with a husband who loves me and vica versa, 2 little boys that love me dearly, brothers and parents that care immensely, a job that pays good money and great benefits. So let's just get my head in the right place.

And then I can SOAR.

Last day of NaBloPoMo

and I feel crappy. Still.

First off, I am sitting here writing with the worst case of acid reflux I've had in a while. To the point I want to throw up. Pretty much the same feeling I've had all day long...except stronger now. I hate dry heaving. Sometimes, I wish I would just get it out of my system and be done with it. My boss asked tonight (as I talked to her on the phone...I feel way too shitty and tired to go to work today) if the dr's are going to look into what might be wrong. I explained "I'm pregnant! It could go on my whole pregnancy." Ugh. And the tiredness. I feel like all I've done is slept today and I still feel tired. Come on people! I'm 16 weeks along...shouldn't this feeling be gone by now?

Second off, why does every unexpected bill have to happen right before Christmas? The van died. I'm hoping it doesn't need a new fuel pump and it's just the filter. But until I can get it fixed, I'll be getting up at 7, getting dressed taking him to work so I can have the jeep to take Zachary to preschool...then at 4 pm, rushing up there, picking him up and dropping him off at home with the boys so that I can make it back to work by 4:30. And not be late (because I just got "talked to" about my time issues. This sick day dropped me back to next to nothing.)

Then there's Chuck Driver Responsibility Fees. $250 due 12/20/06 or his license gets suspended. Why does he have to pay these? Because he's gotten 3 tickets in the last year for speeding. Niiice.

Then I got nailed for a bill that went to collections for Lucas's circumcision 2 1/2 years ago!! I think I may have seen one bill for that at some point...but what's up with never sending anything else and then oh...right before Christmas say pay it or we're going to litigation. *sigh* Another $250.

Blech. I'm not close to done shopping either. I hope that tomorrow I'll feel better. I'm going to drink a big glass of milk and see if that will stop the acid reflux. Great. Another dry heave.

Frustration

Complete. utter. frustration.

AT everything. I think the hormones are kicking in hard core.

The boys have broken 3 christmas ornaments because they were screwing around with them after repeatedly being told and KNOWING not to. One was Zachary 2003 annual ornament from Grandma and Grandpa. One was one that was made for me when I was a teen. The other was one of my Grandmothers Christmas bulbs that were on her tree that I remember growing up. *sigh* The last one I think I have left, because the other got broken last year (I didn't even put them on the tree last year. Zachary got into the Christmas box and shattered them).

The house is in shambles. I'm trying. I really, really am. I did dishes for about an hour today, maybe more. But I think now after dinner there is more there than before. Okay, so maybe not, but damn near.

People at work don't understand the meaning of Christmas. I'm so sick of everyone thinking that *someone* must have an agenda. Christmas is a time of giving, whether its a needy person within someone's church or a needy person off the street. They are still needy, right?A lot of the people want to do a "White Elephant"...I'm not participating this year. It's not that I don't enjoy a good grab and steal game of White elephant. But, I'd rather spend my $10 to buy a gift for Toys for Tots than to give a gift to someone who could have A) bought it themselves and B) probably have ABSOLUTELY no use for it, and maybe throw it out when they got home. Quite frankly, I don't have any room for useless stuff either. I'm trying to clean out what I have now by donating to Goodwill and charity auctions to try to make room in this house for FIVE of us. I guess in my thinking there are people out there that could use that $10 item or just that $10 donation.

Speaking of work, a co-worker JUST found out tonight that I'm pregnant. I announced it over a month ago at our last staff meeting. Now granted, that person was not present at our staff meeting; however, I send out meeting notes...and the VERY FIRST line was that I was pregnant. Why do I bother typing up and sending out notes? Why do I bother with email or manuals or notes at all? No one reads them!!!! Instead, they ask me 8 billion questions a night.

On the good front, I found the Color Wonder Sprayer!!!!! I actually bought two, one for my friend who's daughter also wanted one. A huge thanks to Amanda and Kathleen for helping me to get one for Zachary. He'll be one happy little boy come Christmas morning!

A little perterbed.

I don't even know if that's how you spell it. But that's what I am!

WHY can't I comment on some people's blogs? Is it because they have Beta and I've been too afraid to change? I get the box for comment verification but all I see is a red x!

So to anybody who I normally read and haven't commented on lately, I'm sorry! I'm still reading but I can't comment and there have been some things I'd really like to comment on too! :)

We have baby movement!

O.M.G! How could I have forgotten to post this?

I laid down today after laying down with the boys for their naps. I was laying in my bed...just maxing and relaxing and I felt the baby kick. STRONG too. It was completely unmistakeable!

I held my breath, laying there, waiting for it to happen again...and alas it didn't. *sigh* Maybe tomorrow. My next dr. appt isn't until December 11 and then I get to schedule the ultrasound!!

I'm starting to get a little excited to find out what we are having. I'm still not 100% sure I want to, but I found the cutest crib quilt that I wanted to make (if it IS a girl) but I decided not to buy it until after I know for sure. But, oh, it was so cute!

Lisa wants....

Once upon a time, I saw this on someones blog or on a forum that I'm on. Go to google. Type in "(your name) wants" and see what comes up...

This is the story of what I want.

Lisa wants....ME (LOL. Considering I'm writing this...that's really kinda conceited isn't it?)
Lisa wants...to work with JJ and Bryan. (um, not really. Not sure who they are)
Lisa wants....to create. (Absolutely. I've found great pleasure in creating things lately).
Lisa wants....to bang Mike. (Shhhh...don't tell Chuck! LOL)
Lisa wants....to practice her Arabic. (Um, no. I do like to practice my ASL though!)

But honestly, I wrote yesterday about Santa. And what Zachary has asked for from Santa. There are a few things I'd like from Santa too. Unfortunately, my Santa doesn't have this much money!

I'd like a new LCD wall mount HDTV. That way we can get rid of the humongous t.v. and t.v. stand in the living room and make more room for toys, baby things and office stuff.

I'd like a new pc. I hate our pc at home. It is slower than slow and some days I have to shut it down and reopen it four times a day.

I'd like some new underwear and socks. I know. This is boring. But I'm seriously getting pregnancy belly and a lot of my undies are uncomfortable now. And somewhere along the way I've lost all but 4 pairs of my socks.

I'd like a maid. Hahahahaha. That'll never happen, but it's nice to dream isn't it?

I'd like all Adam Sandler movies. Preferably starting with Billy Madison.

I'd like some new dishclothes. Stupid thing, right? Why don't I just buy the damn things myself?

I'd like my Christmas to go as stress free as my Thanksgiving did. I'd really like to find everything I'm looking for in the first store on the first day of shopping and for it all to be on sale!

What would you like for Christmas?

Crayola Color Wonder Sprayer

AAAAAHHHHH!

Zachary has asked for four things this holiday season. On Friday night we go to see Santa and he asked for 3 different things: a dollie, a car and a telescope.

But the one thing he's continually asked for is the Crayola Color Wonder Sprayer.

And they are SOLD. OUT!

I'm frantic. I want him to get this from Santa. I've checked all the stores in my local town. SOLD. OUT. I've checked online stores. SOLD. OUT. I may have to be calling in favors from relatives in other towns because I absolutely refuse to pay over retail price on ebay. That's ridiculous!!!

I've never had a year where Zachary has really aksed for something and this is not that expensive so I could get it for him. And he LOVES art. Loves creating...and we always do this together. Bummed. That's what I am.

Really nice Thanksgiving weekend.

We went to my parents and had a huge turkey dinner with a whole table of desserts (as always) and ate way too much (as always). Then spent the night and the boys slept like crap and the next day we went to the Christmas store to buy our yearly country ornament.

Every year, Chuck and I choose a country to research and find out about the customs of that country. Then we take some of those customs and teach them to the boys. Explain that other countries do Christmas time a little differently. We also find a traditional Christmas cookie or dish and make that with the boys. It's a lot of fun...I don't know how much the boys get out of the tradition, but Chuck and I enjoy it. This year we chose Poland as I have some family from Poland and I'd like to learn more about it. So off we trot to the Christmas store to buy the Polish flag and a traditional Polish ornament (we chose the traditional Polish Santa this year...it was made in Poland too!)

Then on to the in-laws. I normally dread this time because it always throws me into anxiety attacks. But my SIL is in the hospital and my MIL worked the entire time so it was just Chuck, I, the boys, my nephew and my FIL and we had a GREAT time. Everything was so relaxed...the boys LOVED playing with their cousin and we had some nice chats with my FIL. We didn't get to have the traditional Thanksgiving meal that we typically have, but it was so nice to have a non-rushed, non-stress weekend. We ended up spending the night and putting up their Christmas trees for them as the annual church Christmas party is at their house next weekend and nothing was decorated. Poor MIL. She's already a nervous wreck!

Kids do say the darndest things!

Part 1:

Last weekend, Zachary was playing in his bedroom. Lucas was in the hallway and I asked (or rather told him, as I already *asked* him) to pick something up in the hallway and put it away.

Zachary looks at me and states:

Momma, don't treat Lucas like your bitch.

O.M.G.!!! I about choked. Then I left the room and called Chuck over, as I laughed hysterically. Where the hell did he learn that?

Part 2:

We were watching Animal Planet last night. It's a great channel and the boys enjoy and learn things from it.

Last night was a rescue show and they were rescuing a cayman. Now if you don't know what a cayman looks like, they basically look like a cross between an alligator and a crocadile, but a big smaller.

Lucas stated: Look! An alligator!!

Chuck: No, that's a cayman.

Lucas: *silence watching the show* Nope, alligator, sorry!

He's so cute!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Well, it's Thanksgiving (technically. I know I haven't been to bed yet so it's not really a new day for me, but it is after midnight). So I'm going to be cliche and discuss those things for which I'm thankful. I mean, afterall, that is what Thanksgiving is all about, isn't it?

1. My husband. I'm thankful for all he does for me, the boys and our family. I'm thankful he washes the dishes. I'm thankful (more now than ever) that he takes out the garbage. I'm thankful that he's the kind of man that tells me "Babe, sit down and take a break for a minute. Let me do that."

2. My boys. Zachary and Lucas. How can you not be thankful for two of God's best miracles ever? I'm thankful they are healthy, happy and well. I'm thankful that they are not the terrors that I've seen some children be and yet I'm thankful that they are not stepford children either. They definitely have their own minds, are independent and strong and for that I'm thankful.

3. My health. My SIL is in the hospital this holiday and it made me sit back and think that as much bitching as I do about feeling sick with this pregnancy, that means it's a healthy pregnancy. That the baby is still inside and growing. I'm thankful that I'm healthy and able to enjoy this day with my family.

4. My baby. See #3 :)

5. My extended family. My mom and dad and brothers would do anything for me. They are there for me no matter what and I'm so very thankful that we have that type of relationship. Even if sometimes they annoy me.

6. Hot tea. I'm freaking freezing right now at work and I'm so thankful to have something warm to wrap my hands around.

7. My job. With the unemployment rate being so high in Michigan, I'm very thankful to have my job. It is well paying with great benefits and I'm lucky to have that.

8. My crockpot. Seriously I love my crockpot. I just finished some roasted pork loin from yesterday that I slow-cooked in the crockpot and it was delish.

9. Internet connection. The internet has given me many good friends through my mom's board, and at such an important time in my life to have those friends. And a few people I can definitely relate to in the blogging world. Even if half of them live half way around the world :)

10. Friends. There have been a few good friends who we've been keeping in contact with a lot lately and those friendships mean so much to me. Most of these people go back a ways with Chuck or/and I and their friendships have seen us through some rough times. I'm thankful they are still willing to stick around.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'll be heading to my mom and dad's for a big Thanksgiving dinner with our whole family. I love family gatherings!

I admit it, I'm a dork.

Okay, first of all...isn't this the absolute cutest kiddo towel ever?

Sooo, maybe I am a little biased, considering I made it!

I have been doing hooded towels using regular bath towels for quite some time now. Well, since my friend gave me some for the birth of Zachary. So that's been almost 5 years ago. And I love them. The boys love them. And they are so simple to make.

I have some friends who have opened a store called Basically Babies. They have all kinds of really, really cool stuff in there including lots of things made by work at home moms (WAHM). Allison had asked if anybody else made anything as they were still looking for some more unique items for the store. That's when I offered up my hooded towels. They asked if I could embellish them and make them more personable and cute...sure, I thought...I just don't know how to do that! So today (in all my spare time between work, sleep, changing the car oil, dropping off and picking up Zachary at preschool) I whipped up a duck towel. For my first attempt, I think I did a bang up job!

And ya know what else? It was FUN. I enjoyed creating something. Having something at the end that I could look at and say "Cool! I like it. I accomplished something!" So, we'll see what the owners of Basically Babies says and maybe make a little store credit to pay for the cloth diapers and nursing supplies I'm sure to be buying from them!

Secondly, have any of you noticed my new countdown ticker on the side there? Yep, over there. Take a look!

It's HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! Release date of 7/13/07.

I love Harry Potter and own all 4 of them so far. The boys love them too. As a matter of fact, one of Zachary's first words was Harry Potter. Kinda sad, isn't it? From what I was reading the release date for the book may be (only speculation here) 7/7/07. So we shall see. *rubbing my hands together in anticipation!*

100th post...and LOTS of whining ahead

So I made it. I finally got to my 100th post and it hasn't even taken me a year. Yippee. Hooray.

However, it's kinda sad isn't it that it took NaBloPoMo in order to get 21 of those posts? I kinda think so. I see via my SiteMeter that a lot of people are stopping by using the randomizer...and yet no one new is leaving messages. Come on people! I need the reinforcement that someone actually finds me interesting in even the absolute slightest way. Comment...please. (Yep, I'm not above begging and groveling apparently).

Especially after today I need that reinforcement. I hope it's not seasonal depression setting in. I really hope my crappy ass mood has more to do with pregnancy hormones than anything else.

This morning, as my feet hit the floor I was running to the bathroom to puke. (Oh wait. Did I mention my feet hit the floor at the ungodly hour of 7:15 am? Working nights sucks sometimes.) But I didn't puke. At all. I just dry heaved for 3 hours. Now, that is a barrell full of monkeys let me tell you!

Lucas is in that stage when he won't listen to you EVA and so we were late to get Zachary to school.

Then Lucas and I go to Walmart. Where they have NOTHING I want. *sigh* No orange towels. No orange fabric. (I'm trying to make a duck hooded towel for my SIL). No cute boy fabrics. No freaking cinnamon rolls! AND to top it all off? Ben and Jerry's has apparently discontinued the Mint Chocolate Cookie and replaced it with Mint Chocolate Chunk. Blech. Chuck says it's because no one else eats Mint Chocolate Cookie. They only sell 10 pints of it a year and it's all to me. On the way out of Walmart, Lucas decides he's going to be hilarious and call the cashier a doodoo head. Yea, his new favorite word.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig. Sit down to start sewing up the towels. The needle on the sewing machine breaks. I don't have another. I really, really wanted to cry at that point. Lucas was still running around like a banshee wanting me to play "lightsasers" with him and be Darth Vader. I just didn't have the energy.

That's just before 11:30.

But naptime was good. I felt good..except I woke up with heartburn. And had to come to work where I got attitude from 60 year old women. It's really quite ridiculous how they behave sometimes. Afterall, throwing a basket because you don't like the job you've been assigned to is a little much, isn't it?

Tomorrow has GOT to be a better day right?

Heroes

Have you ever thought about your heroes? Have you ever thought about how they shape who you are?

Have you noticed that your heroes change over time? And then when you have kids, you pull those heroes out and re-evaluate them yet again? I've mentioned that my friend Matt has a blog called the Hero Workshop. My husband reads that blog almost daily and really comments on it. If there is one thing I find heroic about my husband, I would say his loyalty to friends and his ability to sit back and reflect on his inner self to make the world better for those friends and family around him.

Chuck wrote this as a comment on Matt's blog and I asked if I can repost it because it was so meaningful to me.

When I look back on my life and examine the catalogue of heroes contained within I find a long and diverse group. There are marked changes and periods, ranging from fantasy to cool to idealistic to pragmatic. Some of the heroes of my childhood I would not consider heroes today. Does that mean that they are not important though? Do heroes like Speed Racer, Underdog, Joe Friday and Thomas Magnum have role to play?

As we get older we get more pragmatic, I think our heroes do too. It becomes less important on how “cool” a hero is and more important on what that hero has done with their life. It becomes easy for us to forget the importance of the heroes of our youth. It becomes easy to discount sport heroes because we forget the magic that comes with that great hit or shot. We focus only on the off court behavior and not at all on the on court glory.

Every once in while an event comes along that reminds of the simple magic of childhood heroes, the kind of heroes that you believe in just because if “feels” good. The no rationality, no logic, it just “feels” right. A few weeks ago I was watch the most recent version of Peter Pan with my boys whom are two and four. We got to the part where Tinker Bell drinks poison meant for Peter and dies. Peter picks her up and starts crying. We were all very quite in my living room as winter began to sweep across Neverland. We watch intently as Peter laid Tinker Bell down in the snow and began to softly whisper “I believe in fairies.” He started repeating it over and over, soon his voice grew louder and others across Neverland took up the chant. Wendy, her brothers, the lost boys, the pirates everyone start shouting at the top of their lungs “I believe in fairies.” That’s when the magic happened, we were chanting as well. Softly at first, then louder and before you could guess what was happening my boys and I were running around the room screaming out the windows and front door “I believe in fairies.”

Needless to say Tinker Bell comes back to life, Peter rescues Wendy and the lost boy and Captain Hook is defeated. Also a childhood hero is born in my boys. There was no logic or reason for them, no discussion of ethics or morality, it was simply “right”. Something that you believe in for the sake of believing in it, I am reminded of something that was said by the character Hub in the movie “Second Hand Lions”:
“Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love… true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.”

Good advice I think.

So I was reminded of the power of our childhood heroes. They may not stay with us but they are important in forging our character in ways that are deeply profound. I think that from time to time we need to revisit those childhood heroes and replenish our supply of magic. It is that simple child like magic that keeps us on the right path.

I’m thirty eight years old. I have a wife and two children with another on the way all of whom I love. I have a house and a car payment. I work in a dull job, but I can tell you this with out shame or embarrassment in absolute honesty:
“I believe in fairies.”
cdl

I love my husband. And couldn't agree with him more.

Secret Santa

I was watching the news this morning and saw a bit on the "Secret Santa" I'd never heard this story before but found it so uplifting and heroic. And so much in the spirit of the holiday season...or at least what the holiday season SHOULD be.

Larry Stewart started giving away money in 1979 after being FIRED from his job, just the week before Christmas. He gave $20 to a car hop at the local drive-in resturant and he saw her lip tremble and he knew how much it meant to her, considering she was wearing a very thin coat during the middle of a MO winter. After that, he went and took out $200 and started finding other people who could use the money. All this after being fired from his job.

Since that day he's been hitting the streets handing out thousands of dollars every year. Oh yea, because at some point in there he started his own telecommunications business and became a multi-millionaire. But, he started when he had next to nothing. And was giving what he did have to others who in more need than he was. That to me is heroic. And something for others to remember and strive towards.

Lactivism

Now, I should start out by saying I'm not technically a boob nazi. I breastfed both my boys and will breastfeed this child because I know it's the absolute best thing for my kids to have. But I don't enjoy breastfeeding. Not that it hurts, or anything like that, but more because my ass is planted in the same spot for 45 minutes every 2 hours. Plus, I can't produce enough to feed them totally on breastmilk, so I kinda feel like a failure at that too. But, I give them some and I'm happy I can do that!

However, whenever I hear about a mom being removed or asked to leave from a public place for breastfeeding, my hackles go up. It's not like the kids are 12 and breastfeeding. They are babies!

What am I talking about? A mom being removed from an AIRPLANE after discreetly breastfeeding her 22 month old. She refused to be covered up, but honestly the ONLY person that could have seen her was the stewardess. And if you don't like it get over it!

Now I've heard all the crap about how it's a sexual thing and people don't want their children to see boobies because it's SEX. Bullshit! Breasts were made for feeding our children. Society has made them sexual. And if anybody would teach their children to not sexualize women, we wouldn't have this issue anyway. I have absolutely no problem with my boys seeing a baby being breastfed. I have several friends still breastfeeding and they all know I'm perfectly okay with them doing it in the boys prescence.

One of my other issues with my breastfeeding experience was how I felt the need to be removed from situations because I was breastfeeding...I had to go and hide and miss out on family time, etc. I hated that. So after a few months, I stopped. If you don't like to see my FEED your GRANDCHILD then you can leave.

Nobody bats an eye at a baby being fed from a bottle. This shouldn't be any different.

Binkies

Of course, being a mom there is always a ton of controversy surrounding the pacifier, binky, pacy, plug, etc, etc, etc.

I don't have a problem with them...except when they are used to shut the child up. Or if it's a case of a 5 year old using one at kindy.

I was a finger sucker and I always felt that it would have been easier to break the binky than the finger...so I wasn't too concerned when Zachary wanted his binky.

He actually didn't use one till he was about 10 months old and teething. It started as a teething toy for him and ended up being a soother.

But this isn't about how he started using it...but more how he stopped.

On June 16, 2005, about a month after Zachary's 3rd birthday, we got home late (like 8:45) so I stopped by McD's and got the boys some chicken nuggets. Zachary wanted to eat them outside...so we were sitting outside and I was like "oh I got something to tell you! Remember that party that we went to for Cousin Becky? and she was going to have a baby?"

He said "did the baby come?"

I said yes he did and his name is Cameron.

(now I should tell you've I've talked to Zachary about the binky fairy before this)

Zachary said "can the binky fairy come tonight and take my binkies to the new baby Cameron?"

I was shocked but said "Yes of course you can do that for baby Cameron!"

So we collected our binkies and called daddy to tell him what we were going to do (and I had to tell daddy to pick up a couple of "big boy toys" from the binky fairy) and then I got Ollie (Zachary's elephant that he's had since birth. It went everywhere with him).

Zachary said no, I don't want Ollie anymore (I almost started crying at that point!) He said give "Ollie to the baby Cameron too."

I said "no, we can keep Ollie" (even I have to keep him in my drawer somewhere...I won't get rid of Ollie)

So we put the binkies under the pillow in a baggie and we went to bed!!!!!!!! It took him almost 1 1/2 hours to go to sleep but he didn't try to get into his binkies...although he did take them out to look at them...and he didn't cry for them or anything!!! And it was all his idea! Chuck was like this is all so sudden I don't know how I feel about this...he was all choked up too...as was I ...it's like our baby isn't a baby anymore as of that night!

And after that he had found 2 or 3 binkies throughout the house and brought them to us for Baby Cameron. I would stick them in the cupboard and I think we just threw out the last one a month or so ago :)

So...I guess my point is...when they are ready to rid of them, they will.

The value of the dollar

Zachary has a blue piggy bank. He loves to find money and put it in there and usually weasles money from his grandparents when he sees them too. I'm not talking DOLLARS or anything but more likes penneys, nickels and dimes. He thinks its so cool that he has money like mom and dad does. He also has a little money pouch that he keeps his money in...right now he's got over $5 in it. Zachary is learning the value of the dollar and I'm not afraid to tell him that he can't have something because we don't have the money for it...so he knows everything costs money.

So, a couple of months ago we went to Home Depot. He had to use the bathroom and so did I. Of course, the bathroom is at the BACK of the store so we had to walk through the housewares and appliances departments. I wanted to look at washing machines just to get an idea of price considering that I think ours is on the very last leg of life.

Zachary spotted the Kenmore Large Capacity front load washing machine. In bright cherry red. (unlike ANYTHING in our home). :)

Z: Momma, I like this one.

M: Yea, I do too. It's really cool isn't it?

Z: Yea. When I get bigger and get lots of money, I'm going to bring my piggy bank in here...because I'll have really really strong muscles...and I'm going to give them all my money and buy this washing machine. Then I'll take it home and I'll carry it in the house and I'll say: momma, I bought this for you! Where do you want me to put it?

M: *tear* Zachary, that would be very nice if you did that. Very nice indeed.

Nothing says I love my momma like a large capacity Kenmore in bright red. And honest to God, he's mentioned it more than once since that day.

Giving a shout out!

Okay, so I decided I was going to go for the goal and try to write a post a day in accordance with the rules for NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). So far it's really made me think and I think I'm having fun posting every day about things on my mind.

This campaign has caused other individuals to go about rating the blogs participating in the campaign. (CUSS) & Other Rants happened to have read all the "I" blogs and rated them and gave out awards. I actually recieved "All-Around Thoughtful Award" from this blog.

I'm so honored! I just started this blog as a way to get my rants out of my head so I could focus on more constructive things, but have found a way to reflect on my goals and focuses in life with the kids...well, at least most days :)

There is also a NaBloPoMo randomizer in which you can randomly view and read all the participants within the campaign. Happy Reading!

13 week appointment

I had my midwife appointment yesterday and Lucas went with me to see Sameerah. I was soo excited because I knew we'd be able to hear the heartbeat finally!

Well, as normal, we went over all the other stuff first...

*How are you eating? Are you still nauseas? Not much at all. Yep, a lot of the time but Preggie Pops are my best friend lately.

*What things settle your stomach? Depends on the day. Some days I can't stand the smell of chicken and other days it's super yummy!

*Do you have any questions? Sure! Is it still okay to sleep on my stomach? (It is!!) What meds can I take, if I need to, for seasonal depression? (she gave me a list and said if the dr. recommends something different to call her and she'll check them out for me).

Then we got down to the good stuff. We pulled the chair right up next to the "bed" so Lucas would be close and be able to hear the doppler. And nothing. Nothing.

So, Sameerah said, "well, I guess we'll have to do a quick ultrasound. Nothing official you understand!"

I was still excited! I'd be able to see our baby!! But at the same time, I was a little hesistant for two reasons. #1. I had promised Zachary he could see the baby on the t.v. too and I told him that wouldn't happen that day! #2. Why can't we find a heartbeat? What's wrong?

In rolls the machine and Lucas hops back up on the chair to watch the baby t.v. Sameerah found the baby right away and he instantly started jumping. And I mean JUMPING! And then she found the little heartbeat. She figures it was right around 140 beats per minute. *big sigh of relief* Sameerah said that the baby was VERY active and probably why we couldn't find the heartbeat. I wonder if it's not because I'm carrying extra belly weight.

Lucas sat so still and intently watched everything but honestly I don't think he knew what to make of the whole thing because what was on the screen didn't LOOK like a baby.

I told Zachary what had happened when we picked him up from preschool. He was having a fit that he had to leave and had told me for the umpteenth time this month that I'm mean and not fair at all and I couldn't see his papers. He was "going to go home and throw them right in the trash!!"

Then I brought up the baby. He was predictably bummed that he didn't get to see the baby. Our conversation:

Z: But you told me that I could see the baby too!!!
Me: But Zachary, I didn't know we would be able to see the baby today. And besides you didn't really miss anything. You know what the baby looked like?
Z: No, what?
Me: A chicken nugget!
Z: *hysterical laughing* Aw, Mama, you are so funny! I'm gonna let you see my papers because you made me laugh!

He's a great kid. And his love for his baby brother or sister shines right through already.

Yet another dream...

Saturday night I had a dream about the pregnancy again...

This time it wasn't "bad" per se...

But I dreamt that we had our ultrasound and the results were BOY.

Although I have to admit that I am getting very strong girl vibes, although I'm not sure if that's wishful thinking or not. I guess we'll see in January.

What's better than Toby Keith tickets?

FREE, yes FREE Toby Keith Tickets.

FREE babysitting!!

And a freaking rocking show!

A couple of weeks ago, someone from my mom's group had 2 extra tickets that her husband had gotten from work. She desperately wanted someone to use them so was giving them to two lucky people.

I really like Toby Keith. Especially his Americanism in his songs. So Chuck agreed to go with me, although he's not a huge country fan, be he too think Toby is a patriot.

I called my brother and he said he could watch the kids for the night and Chuck and I went out to the concert, which was in our local area too!

So the whole evening cost us about $16 for parking and Jimmy Johns subs after the show.

It was back at my old Alma Mater and I have to admit I always feel a little nostalgic going back onto campus. Remembering the carefree times. The times of no-responsibility, no bills except my bar bill. *sigh*

Chuck and I discussed that a little becasue while I was MORE than ready to get out of the town when I graduated in 1999, he was just starting his college stint since he'd never gone before and felt that he missed out on that part of his life...that I lived to the fullest. But, I was sooo sick of the parties and loud shit going on when I had to be up at 6 am to go to work and be a responsible adult in the world. And maybe I was just a little resentful that I couldn't be having the fun anymore (or felt I couldn't anyway).

But, that chapter of my life is over now...and when I got back to my brothers and had to carry the sleeping boys out to the car, it was just as nostalgic to have them snuggle their heads into my neck.

But the show ROCKED!

Nonviolence Training

So, today I went to an 8 hour seminar on non-violence and the Michigan Peace Team. I really found it very interesting if not exactly what I was looking for.

I went hoping that I would be able to learn something on how to keep your anger in check during conflict and when people oppose you so I could be a more effective mother and lead worker. However, we didn't really hit on those issues.

But I did gain a lot of information about how to diffuse conflict between two other people. Such as diverting their attention from one another by talking about something completely off topic, introducing yourself and bringing the attention, whether good or bad, onto yourself. The group was looking for recruits to go out on the streets druing protests and such to keep a non-violent presence. I found the whole thing very intriquing. But I passed on hitting the pavement myself.

My #1 reason? My kids. What would happen if I was injured or killed in the field? That's why I didn't marry a fireman or a cop. I have great honor for those people in those fields. My brother was a cop and my aunt and uncle are firefighters...but it's not the route I choose for me or my children.

I did, however, find one of the facilitaotors extremely interesting to listen to. He was a lifer in the military, for 27 years. After retiring, he devoted himself to nonviolence because of what he saw and was forced to do in the military. While I didn't agree with absolutely everything he said, I did find him so intelligent and engaging to listen to.

Maybe God had other reasons for me to be ther today (it was at my church). I did meet two women who I think can help me with my quest for calmness and anger management. One is another mom who also has anger issues and is part of the M.O.M.S. group at our church and the other is a social worker. I don't want the kids to feel the pain of anger like I do. And if they see it from me, they could have the same issues. So April is going to send me tons of information on anger management. Yay!

I had some time to reflect on the day on my drive home. And when I pulled into the driveway I was met with screams....yes, SCREAMS of the boys who were so excited to see their momma.

And I reminded myself....this is why I love being a mom so much.

Ever have one of those moments?

Where you are looking at your kids and wondering

"Where the hell did MY kids go?"

My boys are um, active. That's how several babysitters, daycares, and grandparents have expressed their opinion of them. I say boys, but really it's more Zachary. He's VERY active.

We've taken him to a psychologist who believes he is very unique. Well, duh, I could have told you that! But, the psychologist also told me that he wants to have Zachary tested for several different disorders and have his IQ tested because he feels it may be very, very high. Now, that is wonderful. I'm quite aware that he is of more than average intelligence. But add to that the fact that he is so incredibly hyper and that typically loud restuarants or crowds send him into a bit of a tailspin, behavior wise, and it makes it very hard to taken him many places and get good behavior.

And Lucas. Well, he's 2. So he's completely unpredicatable anyways.

So, imagine my surprise tonight at dinner. We went to BD's Mongolian Barbeque. I had a craving for some Mongolian. Don't ask me why, but it was a strong craving.

I suggested the idea to Chuck, where it was met with a less than enthusiastic "um, sure, whatever". He doesn't much like taking the boys to restuarants. But, while Chuck was in the shower to go, Zachary and Lucas and I had a heart to heart about their behavior and what I expect from them at the resturant. And also what to expect of the place.

Maybe that's what made the difference tonight. Zachary is such a routine oriented child that maybe the unknown is another thing that is so scary. I don't know. We are just feeling our way along with him. But needless to say during the meal, I complimented the boys MANY times on their behavior and how well behaved they were being. At the end of the meal (which was fantastically good!) I was astonished that we didn't have one meltdown, trying to sit with another table, trying to run away (well, except Lucas...he wanted to go with Daddy a couple of times but he wasn't trying to get away from us), no screaming, throwing things, playing with their food, nothing.

I asked Chuck...just where the hell did my kids go? On the way home, they proved they were still mine :)

Sexual Incompatability

I'm gonna go a little off topic this time around. I typically don't write about sex. Although its a HUGE part of my life. I love sex.

I guess I try to tame it down a little bit now that I'm a mom. You know there are those people that you see who are exactly as they look. I'm not one of them. I'm a bundle of inconsistencies. Whether you are talking about my politics, religion, or sex.

For example...my good friend Matt said I should write about how I got the nickname "Bill". A camper had started calling me "hey you". I said "come on now, you know my name!" And Alex, ever the smart ass, shouted out "BillyBob!" True nuff, I was pretty much a redneck. Right down to my Justin lacers and from the words spilling out of my mouth, like "ya'll" you probably wouldn't think any different. Well, BillyBob got shortened to Billy which got shortened to Bill. And it stuck. For the last 9 years. A lot of campers and camp staff only know me as Bill. But Matt and Jason are the two who still regularly call me that. And Jason calls me William when he's pissed.

So....what's this have to do with sex? When I started dating Chuck, Matt desperately tried to talk me out of it. Because I was a mid-western, good girl who was as pure as a white lily. Little did he know that while I was still a virgin, I wasn't in my mind. But I'm very, very good at hiding things. So, when Chuck and I became VERY intimate our friends were a little shocked about how bold and well, freakish, I was considering where I came from.

A lot of talk within my mom's group lately has been about sex. About how they don't want it and their hubby does, or vica versa. Or just lately how the wifey wants it good and hard and rough and the hubby is freaked out by that.

According to many surveys, sex is the number 2 thing that couples fight about. Right after money. So don't you think that you'd want to be sure that you are sexually compatible BEFORE taking the plunge? In my book, sex is a huge thing in any relationship. I mean without that there isn't the intimacy, the connectedness, the kids ;)...so why not just live with your brother? (Okay, I'm not that redneck folks!!)

Now, I'm not saying that every couple needs to be freaky and rough. But, just be compatible to each other. Without that, there is such a likelyhood of infidelity and adultry. Beyond that though, if Chuck was a freak and I wasn't....I would be sooo insecure of what he really wanted and who he would go searching of to find it. Insecure that I wouldn't be able to satisfy him in every way within our relationship, because satisfaction of the body is as important as satisfaction of the brain.

I just thank God that Chuck and I are sexually compatible. And we love sex. Together.

Random Thoughts

Zachary is the most frustrating kid one minute and the most loveable, sweetest, thoughtful child the next.

Lucas cracks me up. The expressions he uses are freaking hilarious.

Our kid's cd that we are currently listening to in the jeep HAS to be from Canada. Thanksgiving comes before Halloween in one of the songs. I've heard this song a billion times but it took Zachary to figure out that the song was *wrong*. He was not happy because we "haven't had Thanksgiving yet!"

There is only 46 days till Christmas. I say only, but really that's a LONG time away to already be playing Christmas music. Ugh.

I wish the morning sickness and bloating/pain in my stomach would go away.

For work to have the steam shutdown yesterday and for the next 4 days, it's freaking roasting in here. My hands are so swollen it's going to take me days to get this swelling down.

Sex that leaves marks is oh, soooo, good. Thanks sweetie.

Pregnant sex is really the best.

I'm sooo ecstatic that Zachary seems to like and be EXCITED about his new preschool. I guess I should blog about that tomorrow.

Chuck made homemade turkey stew for dinner and then he and the boys brought me some at work. It's so yummy. I'm such a lucky mommy and wife.

I'm bummed that our state seems to be going democratic. *sigh* And come on, seriously, not shooting morning doves and losing the extra revenue is freaking ridiculous.

On the end of politics, I'm kinda sick about all the talk about the rights of every other worker EXCEPT state workers. Why the hell should I have to pay for pensions of others, when I don't even have a pension?

My house is messy. I tried to clean up today before naps, but it seems a never ending battle. My frustration with *that* should be a whole post in itself.

And one last thing. I miss working "just" production. I've enjoyed doing WORK tonight and feeling like I accomplished something rather than answering a billion and one questions, putting out fires, updating databases and inputting production and all the other things I do as a lead worker. *sigh* And I don't even get paid that much more.

Click

I love Adam Sandler.

I always have...since my first time watching him in Billy Madison my freshman year of college. Ah, the memories.

And his new movie, while not really in his typical style, was still, in my mind, a great movie.

I've been doing (or trying to do) some re-examining of my life lately. Call it pregnancy hormones, I guess.

And this movie seriously made you look at life and think "WTH am I doing?"

About 3/4 of the way through it I started crying...and didn't stop till the end. Now, I cry at a lot of stuff. But not usually that much or that long. I actually turned to Chuck at one point and said "Okay, seriously this is really, really depressing!" He agreed. But true to good movie form, things turned around.

I had another post all worked out in my mind for today. But I honestly forgot what that post was even about now. All I can think about is Click. I guess the moral that I came away with is don't take even one second for granted. Not the fights, not the flu, nothing. Because it all makes you who you are and who your family is.

If you haven't seen it, watch it.

And on the topic of happiness..

I received this email from a friend today. It hit me on the head like a rock. I thought "Wow. This couldn't have come at a more perfect time" And true to form, I'm blogging it so that I can look back when I actually have time to scrapbook and incorporate this into it somehow.

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for
the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll
focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.

To be a kid again...

Do you remember what it was like to, on a crisp fall day, run and play in the leaves?
Intead of thinking "OMG, when the hell am I going to have time to rake all those leaves?"











Do you remember the awe that you felt when going to the fair or festival and seeing those huge tractors and just itching to ride one?

Instead of looking at it like a hunk of metal used to get the work done?










Do you remember the excitement of the first snowfall of the year? Running outside to make that first snowball, that first snowman?
Instead of looking at it snowing in October and thinking "WTH?!?! Seriously, I don't have my leaves raked, the fertilizer down, the trailer put away" and on and on and on?














That's one of the greatest things about having kids. Seeing all those first and awe-inspiring moments again through their eyes. But truth is, I don't take enough time on a daily basis to really enjoy those moments. Or take the time to play with them in the leaves, or in the snow. "I'm busy right now" seems to be heard more than "the laundry can wait". And that's sad. Because I want to build those memories and traditions with the boys and our next child. I've been reading the The Happiness Project and finding quite some inspiration in it. I need to focus on my happiness in order for my family to be happy too. So, while I'm not going to intentionally step on someone's toes, I'm also not going to worry about other's opinions. I control my own mood. I choose my temperment. I choose to make memories and have fun with my kids.

They are sleeping right now. Snug in their beds. And I rocked my 4 1/2 year old to sleep tonight in front of the fire and loved it. WE played in the leaves in the front yard today and I saw a ton of smiles. From everyone. That's happiness.

A day late...and a dollar short.

That seems to be the story of my life. It's now November and I'm just now posting Halloween. But that not because we didn't have a great Halloween, we did! The boys LOVED it and the weather wasn't freezing and it wasn't raining or snowing. And in Michigan that's tough to do.

About a week before Halloween we carved our pumpkins. We always go to the pumpking patch and pick our own. But this year it was sleeting and raining for the two weekends prior to Halloween. So Daddy and I said screw it and took the boys to Walmart. Needless to say, they were NOT impressed. Traditions run deep around here even for a 2 and a 4 year old. Next year we are planning on trying our hand at growing our own. We shall see.

Here's the boys' pumpkins. Zachary chose his stencil all by himself. He decided he wanted a spooky alien. So I helped him put it on and we both poke holes in around the stencil. And then against my better judgement, I gave my 4 year old a little pumpkin saw. And he did it himself. (well, minus the fingers. I couldn't even do those right!)

Lucas wasn't too much into it though. He helped pick out the stencil and then sawed on some of the big chunks that daddy took out. Lucas sooo wanted to be a big boy, but just couldn't seem to grasp the concept of it, nor have the patience for it.

Then came Halloween. The boys were ecstatic. We left about 5:45 and it was a bit cold. Not freezing mind you, but enough to turn the boys' cheeks red. Zachary wanted to go home after, oh, about 7 houses. Lucas said "NO! More trick or treating!" So, onward and more candy we went. After a while, it suddenly got warmer. No lie. So we went on. Trick or treating and saying Thank You at every house. But we went about 4 houses too much. Because that's when the 2 year old meltdown occurred. Zachary was such a trooper during it...paying attention to me, staying close by as Lucas threw himself into the middle of an intersection. And when I told him to get up or I would drag him home by the ankle, he stood up and threw his light saber (that Buzz Lightyear HAD to have) down screaming. *sigh* 1 week and I'm already ready for the terrible two's to be over.

Now, we have about 4 buckets of candy and I keep getting yelled at by Chuck to leave the kids' candy alone. Come on, now, that's like telling a cow to not eat the grass she's standing in, isn't it?

Knights of Lisa's round table

I have a very good friend (Matt-see the post of how Chuck and I met!) who writes a blog called The Hero Workshop. Chuck and I were discussing over the weekend, and again tonight over an impromptu dinner about who our heroes are and also who we would choose to sit at our "round table". This has proven incredibly hard for me.

I have read good portions of Matt's blog and understand why the people have been chosen as heroes as well as the characteristics of a hero. However, I'm having a hard time seeing a lot of them as heroes for myself.

For example, Superman. He's fictional. I've never in a million years sat down when I've had a difficult problem and thought "now how would Superman handle a situation such as this?" So, it really, to me, boils down to people that I could speak to in reality. I guess that's because I suck at imagination.

I've been asked three times now in my life who my hero was and why. The first two times were both in beauty pageants. Yes, it's true. I'm a beauty pageant queen. I won my title in 1997. That was before I was a fat and frumpy momma.

The first time I said Hilary Rodham Clinton. *ducks head to avoid being hit by everyone!* Come on, I was young and incredibly stupid. And needless to say I always have found strong women an inspiration in my life.

The second time I said my Aunt Kay. Again, because she's a strong woman. My reasoning for this? She became the first woman mayor of our town, went on to be a state representative for 8 years and did it all without a MAN. That was a huge deal for me (and in some ways still is). To be able to be a strong woman and stand on my own two feet and fight a good fight and do what I feel is right, without having to have a man support me.

Now, I'm older and my priorities have changed. A lot. My life has changed a lot. So when Chuck asked me who my heroes are I could only come up with one. My mom. When I think of a hero I think of someone who puts others before themselves. Who accomplish things against all odds. Who do a lot with little or nothing at all. Who in the face of adversity can inspire others to rise above their class or level and become something better. I feel that my mom has done all of those things and much more. I look to her at least once a day for inspiration in how I raise my own children. Now, that's not to say I talk to her everyday. We work opposite shifts so that's not really feasible. But, I do compare myself and my actions to those I remember as a child and try to do things like she did. Sometimes this causes me great guilt and problems, because I fall so short. But it's something to inspire to.

But if you're asking me who I look to for advice? That's different to me than heroes. Whom I look to for advice I do so because they are important in my life...and I value their opinion. And it definitely varies depending on what the subject is.

I look to my husband for all kinds of information. Especially politics and finances.
Matt (for general knowledge. He knows a little about everything.)
Shannon (for assistance with Chuck!)
Mom (for child-rearing and financial adaptability)
Kathleen (she's my spiritual advisor)
Allison (for assistance with mental disorders)

That's about it. Honestly, I don't look to the popular media for heroes or role models. I guess I feel I have enough within my small circle of very diverse friends that I don't look any furthur.

NaBloPoMo

Otherwise known as National Blog Posting Month has officially BEGAN! Thanks to Angela I found out about this and thought it was sooo cool! I started this blog so that I could keep track of my thoughts. Blog about the boys so I could eventually journal in their scrapbooks. An occassionally bitch about my husband. But now, I've got work to blog about. I've got a pregnancy to blog about. And I've got just random thoughts floating around in my head that I would love to get out so I can have more room for more random thoughts!!

So today is my first day of a full month of blogging on a daily basis...I really can't wait for the challenge. It's been a long time since something was challenged in my life besides my patience.

Like today...Lucas is becoming a terrible two. And I've already had enough. He spent at least an hour throughout the day in his room throwing tantrums. I told him that if he wanted to continue screaming, crying, kicking and blabbering that he could do it in his room until he was finished. So he did. SEVERAL times. *sigh* And I think I want to go through this again? Am I freaking crazy?

At least Zachary was being pretty good except for the constant tattling on his brother for things. I can't say how many times I said today "Zachary, your brother is MY job. Not yours. You need to pay attention to yourself and your own actions." He seems to love to lecture his brother on manners and good behavior but then forget it himself. Convenient.

How I met my hubby...

In honor of our anniversary, which is today, and the fact we made it 5 years now and grown our family by 2.3 children, I thought I would regale you all in how I met my hubby...and how we became husband and wife.

How it all began: In the year of 1997, I decided that there was no way that I could return to my parents house for the summer after living by myself and on my own for the year at Michigan State University. So I attended a job fair, thinking I'd get myself a really cool job, make lots of money and live on my own. Well, some of that was true. What I found was a YMCA Camp close to my hometown and parents but where I could work, make money and LIVE for free. I visited the camp in May for a weekend to start running trail rides, as I was hired for a ranch counselor. Pretty fitting, considering my degree is in Equine Management. The first person I was introduced to was Chuck. I ate lunch with the staff and he was loud, rambunctious and funny. Oh, and did I mention perverted? That's when I thought..."cool, I'm gonna fit in here". We talked some more over a bummed cigarette with Charlie the horse down at the ranch and he seemed super cool.

Then we had staff training. He was obnoxious, conceited and annoying. I remember thinking "dude, just shut up. No one wants to hear you ramble." But he was one of 3 original smokers on camp. I was one of the other ones, and Jason (coincidentally the best man in our wedding) was the third. I got to know Chuck pretty well and my original thought of him came back.

However, I was not romantically interested in him in the least. I wanted CJ. The young Irishman who was an exchange counselor. *sigh* Apparently he spent a lot of time talking to Chuck about me, and Chuck told him to just make the move. CJ never did...and although Chuck informed me I should...I never did either. CJ ended up hooked up with the black widow.

CJ, Chuck, Matt and Jason....the original crew. Men who changed my life.

Then comes my 4th of July party, 1997. At my parents house. My first *real* party ever. And we had a few friends spending the night, some because they were too trashed, some for convenience. Chuck was one of them. Everybody had a bed but him. We were good friends. I offered him to sleep with me. He had other things in mind. Don't worry...I didn't give it up to him. I cried. Sobbed really because I was still a virgin. Chuck quieted me and held me and told me it was all ok and nothing would happen if I didn't want it to. Then we went to sleep...and he was still there in the morning. Waking me up with kisses.

After that we were kinda inseperable. He had his own room at camp, instead of sleeping with the kids, like I did. I spent A LOT of time there...hanging out, smoking, talking, making out. About one week after our initial "hook-up", I had a LONG week. It was the 2 week campers and we were with them non-stop...no breaks at all. I came back from the barn at about 9:30 pm one night and in the middle of our cabin was a dozen beautiful roses in a vase and a 3 wick blueberry candle (now my absolute favorite scent) burning. The girls of course were all abuzz about who it was for....it's so romantic you know! I started to cry and let my other counselor know I needed to run for a minute. I went and found Chuck with tears running down my cheeks. He informed me that he had already talked to Matt (who was my supervisor) and had gotten me some time off so that we could have an appropriate first date. He had it all set up.

We went to Don Pablos and a movie matinee (as I had to be back to camp after dinner). It was wonderful! For some reason, I was sooo nervous during that date. We'd been friends for some time, and we'd been making out, but this was so official. We learned a lot about each other during that date...like he learned that I was not yet 21!!! He seemed VERY nervous when I couldn't drink alcohol. I think he was concerned I wasn't of legal age yet (18, here in the States). Especially since he was 28!

Fast forward 8 months: We moved in together so I could finish my last year at MSU and he began school at the local college.

Fast forward 2 years: He proposed. May 20, 2000.

Fast forward 1 1/2 years: We were married. October 27, 2001. It was beautiful!! It rained a light mist during the ceremony but was nice after that. It was such a busy day but all so worth it when I saw him looking at me with such loving and endearing eyes as I walked down the aisle. I loved that man so much and here were all our friends and family watching us commit ourselves entirely to each other.

We were married in a VERY small historical chapel in a local park. It really did look like something from Little House on the Prarie. It was perfect for us and afterwards we had our pictures taken at the park and on the playground. I've been told by several different people that we had the most loving, caring and beautiful wedding they'd ever seen. We danced our first dance as husband and wife to "When you say it best, you say nothing at all" by Allison Krause and it fit us to a T. I have so many wonderful memories of that day but the one that sticks out the most is happiness!

We took our honeymoon in London 9 weeks after the wedding. We left right after Christmas and then enjoyed ringing in the New Year in London. It was fabulous! I cannot wait to go back again and share more rich culture with my husband. I guess that's what I love about him...our ability to balance each other. He's introduced me to museums and art galleries and fine dining and I introduced him to the Royal Mews (which was closed while we were there *poo*) and clubs and just strolling through the park. Even today we balance each other....when he seems to be down, I'm up and when I'm down, he brings me up. I love him for that. I love him for what he does to me. I love him for how he makes me a better person. Now, that's not to say that we don't have our struggles and our fights, but I think overall we are a pretty happy, balanced, and loving couple. 5 years of marriage later...don't you think we still look happy?

Pregnancy dreams

I have had some of the weirdest dreams, but this one really made me a little scared.

I was only 18 weeks along and started having contractions. So I go into the ER. By myself. I guess Chuck must have been home with the boys.

I was in one of the ER rooms but people had forgotten about me. I started feeling the need to push and I was screaming for someone and pushing the nurses' button every second to try to get them in there....but no one was coming.

I pushed the baby out and he was still in the placenta and everything. All was still intact. I was seriously screaming bloody murder at this point...scared out of my mind and so afraid of what was going to happen to my baby.

After about an hour, a nurse came in and assured me that 18 weeks was an acceptable cooking time for the little peanut and his chance of survival was good. She came back in soon after to tell me that my peanut was dead. He had breathed in the amniotic fluid outside of my body and had suffocated.

I don't like dreams like that. Not in the least.

This is gonna be a long pregnancy!

I'm 10 weeks.

And I feel like I'm about 37 weeks.

Seriously.

I don't know whether it's because this is our third child or whether it's because I'm overweight (but only about 20 lbs over where I was when I got preggo with Lucas) but this bebe already feels like s/he wants to fall out of my hoo-ha. No lie.

Walking around at work at night I feel sooo much pressure I'm dreading what it's going to be like at 40 weeks. I feel like I'm already doing the pregnancy waddle and I'm not even wearing maternity clothing!!

I also already have the ligament stretching. My midwife has recommended the prenatal cradle and I have to say I really honestly think I'm buying one this time around.

Already this pregnancy has been so different from the last two. It's weird. The cravings. The sleeplessness. The uncomfortableness. The pain. The moodyness. *sigh* Like I said....it's gonna be a long 30 more weeks.

On Monday (10-16-06) I went to my second midwife appt. Things went well! I'm down 9...yes, NINE...pounds. I think their scale is wrong, but Chuck says to take it for what it's worth! My blood pressure was a little high for me but still totally normal (132/82). We discussed my penchance for pickles and she said it's perfectly normal...and to eat what I can keep down during this point in time.

I also discussed caffeine with her. With the boys, I quit the stuff cold turkey. This time it's been sooo much harder. I'm not craving it per se...I'm just used to the Mt. Dew. The crack of all pops. However, there was a study done last year that linked caffeine (even at the 1-2 cups per day) with early miscarriage and preterm labor. I'm not willing to take that chance...so good-bye crack! Next appt..4 weeks!

Okay, Okay...

So, I've been not blogging about something very important in my life. I have my reasons. But it's also kept me from blogging much at all because a big part of my life I couldn't share yet. There are still people in my life that do not know that yes, I amHaha!!! I've been leaving little hints here and there, but I wanted to tell my family first since my mom does occassionally read the blog and I really didn't want her to find out that way!

I'm currently 10 weeks along and I'm feeling pretty okay now. For the most part. Poopy diapers and well for that matter even mine make me want to throw up, but I think I'm starting to get past the morning sickness all day long thing. I am completely and utterly exhausted though. Hell, I feel asleep during my break tonight sitting at my pc. I'm sure I was quite the site! I am having all kinds of weirdo cravings that I never had with the boys. For example, pickles and bacon, pickles and ice cream, and most recently saurkraut and ice cream. I don't eat them TOGETHER but with each other...ya know...like both for one meal. Grosses Chuck out!

The questions before people ask:

#1 Yes, we are hoping for a little girl this time. We didn't want a girl when we were pregnant with the boys but now we are thinking a girl would round out our family nicely.

#2 No, this was not planned. Well, not totally. We weren't actively trying, but we weren't actively preventing either. This isn't a bad thing...just means a more crowded 3 bedroom home and a lot more baby toys.

So there. Now I'll be blogging all about my bloated belly, how my pants won't fit and how my hormones have me crying at work.

Amanda~I know you've known all along :) I'll be telling people at work next week, so HUSH HUSH till then!

Wednesdays.

Huh. I just noticed that like my last 4 posts or so have all been on Wednesdays!

I wonder why?

Maybe because I'm trying to get over the "hump" day at work?

Maybe because that's when I'm feeling slumpy...coming down from the weekend and not quite to the next weekend?

I don't know...but I'm gonna try to blog more often. I find it helps me get my feelings out. And I know that my hubby happens to read the blog even though he never posts. So maybe, just maybe, he can understand me just a *little* bit better considering we work opposite shifts and never see each other :(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, Lucas was DRY all day long at school today! I'm freaking ecstatic. Then he went 3 more times at home after that. Albeit he did have 2 accidents...but still! He's 2 1/2 and well on his way now to being diaper free. And considering last Saturday he told me "NO MORE DIAPERS MOMMA!" he'll be happy to hear that too!

Tag...you're it!

1.Things that scare me:
- something happening to my boys (or them being taken from me)
- housefires
- someone breaking in and killing us all

2. People who make me laugh:
- Zachary
- Lucas
- Chuck

3. Things I hate the most:
- stupid/ignorant people
- people who say "that's not part of my job"
- how I lose my temper with Zachary

4. Things I don't understand:
- how ANYONE can find Paris Hilton attractive
- Politics. I don't even try to understand
- Why people bad mouth the US but then try desperately to get their green card.

5. Things I'm doing right now:
- working (shhh...:D)
- blogging
- freezing

6. Things I want to do before I die:
- see my boys be wonderful dads to their children
- travel the world with my husband
- lose my baby weight so I'm comfortable

7. Things I can do:
- BJ's (at least I think I'm pretty good)
- Make people laugh
- Bake

8. Ways to describe my personality:
- Stubborn (yes, it's #1)
- Outgoing
- Easy to get along with

9. Things I can't do:
- Do a cartwheel
- spend hours on the pc just "surfing"
- play RPG video games

10. Things I think you should listen to:
- Your children. They are small PEOPLE
- Your mother (mine usually has good advice)
- Your husband (his needs are important too!)

11. Things you should never listen to:
- IN-LAWS!
- Gossip (but it's so much fun!)
- Crappy music

12. Things I'd like to learn:
- Watercolors
- How to deal with Zachary more effectively
- How to be a contortionist. My hubby would love it!

13. Favorite foods:
- Mexican
- Pickles (well at least right now)
- Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate cookie ice cream

14. Beverages I drink regularly:
- Water
- Hot tea
- Mt. Dew (well, I'm trying not to)

15. Shows I watched as a kid:
- Growing Pains
- Cosby Show
- Family Ties

16. Persons I'm tagging:
- LO
Anybody else who wants to do it!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

To Matt and Angela!!

They had a baby girl today named Emily Dian!! They already have two GORGEOUS boys and I'm so excited to hear that they have a healthy, happy little girl to counteract the boys' antics :)

Another friend of mine also found out they are having a little girl, after two boys.

I hope that trend can continue.

Sooooo tiiirreeeddd!

I'm exhausted. End of story.

The boys are on a new daycare/preschool schedule so they only go M/W/F but they go longer during the day. But this means I have them Tuesday and Thursday from the moment they wake up. Which is early.

Like 7:15 early.

I know, I know...some of you reading this are thinking "THAT's EARLY?" Well when you work nights that's dang early! Granted I'm getting out of work at 1 am now so that helps, but by time I get home and around and settle down enough to go to bed it's at least 2 am if not 2:30. *sigh* At least, so far (knock on wood), the boys have been chill in the morning...cuddling in bed with me, content to watch their PBS cartoons and let mommy sleep just a little bit more.

It amazes me at how much they've changed and grown in their short years. It wasn't too long ago that I had to do EVERYTHING for them and now, just this morning, Lucas got up into the cupboard (big no-no, but he does it anyway, little bugger) and got down a can of chicken noodle soup. Zachary then proceeded to use the manual can opener to open said can of soup, pour it into a pan-which he got out himself, pour in a can of water, and then put it on the stove. He then came to me and told me he was ready for me to turn the stove on.

I'm just marvel at the things my 4 year old can do. We give him a lot of leeway to do these things too...I think it's good for him to know how to do things like cook, bake, wash dishes, vacuum. :) Makes my job easier!

Tomorrow is gonna be a rough day at work. I'm dreading coming in and dealing with the backlash of the previous' posts issues. *sigh* At least I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Arrrrrggggghhhh!!!!

I'm so incredibly frustrated!

I've got a lot of shit going on in my personal life. A lot I so seriously don't want to document, some I do but can't yet, and some that I want to forget. So needless to say I'm tired, cranky and stressed to the max.

Then I get this JACKASS at work who decides he wants to pick a fight with me. These are seriously the days that I HATE being a working mom. Wouldn't it just be easier to stay at home and fight with my own children than dealing with other children in the work environment (children of the 28 year old variety?)

Last Friday, he was being disrespectful to our supervisor in front of all of us. Then he decided to go back and bring ME into his issues. Saying crap about me...and then said that I needed to go home and "learn some things from Chuck". Um, excuse me? I need to learn something from "my man"? Nope, don't think that's gonna fly with me. I am not below anyone because I am a woman. And that was completely disrespectful to even bring my husband's name into a nasty situation.

So then last night, he comes up here to talk to me about it. I told my super that I couldn't deal with it because I am honestly EXHAUSTED, physically and mentally. I honestly could not handle one more thing...nor tonight because of other events.

He has now taken that as a personal attack on him. I'm causing HIM stress. I'm causing HIM anxiety. Fucking please. Shut up and be an adult. I didn't say I wouldn't talk to you just that I didn't want to tonight!!! So now he's posting "rules" outside his cubicle that he feels I've broken, highlighting them and starring them. Talk about freaking hostile. I'm pissed. I so want to be petty and bitchy and retaliate but considering that I'm in a pseudo-supervisory role I can't and won't do that.

Too bad he couldn't be that professional as well.

So well behaved...

That's what someone told me today about *MY* children. *gasp*

Well-behaved? Are you crazy?

But then I watched them compared to the other 15 munckins there at the playdate, dumping food on the floor, dumping toys everywhere...

Wow. They were being well-behaved. Minus the running from one room to the next yelling "catch me mommy!" But he was just having fun...and so was I!

I think the reason why this mommy said it was Zachary's manners. He's such a polite kid most of the time. This instance he had just asked for cake by saying "May I please have a piece of cake too, Miss Jodi?" That's my boy.

It was crazy at the playdate but a lot of fun. I got to talk to a couple of momma's I don't usually talk to or see and the boys played very, very well with everyone today. And actually cleaned up when asked. It helped that they were driving dump trucks around, loading the toys into them and then dumping them.

One incident happened today that marred my "good mommy" image though. A friend came to me and said Lucas was wet. I was like, huh? Wet? Thinking how the heck did he get wet? There's no drinks out, we're all inside, he hasn't been into the bathroom...so how did he get all wet? I went and checked him out and sure enough his butt was soaked. I smelled his pants (ewwww...gross...I know to all those un-mothers anyways) and sure enough it was pee. WTH???

I took his pants down and he didn't have a freaking diaper on!!!!!! All the other moms were laughing at me because I was like WTH? He doesn't have a diaper on? You'd think that a "good mommy" would know or remember that they didn't put a diaper on! But I had JUST picked him up from DAYCARE before I went to the playdate...I hadn't changed him yet! He did have a diaper on, but it was down around one ankle!!! Apparently, they didn't have it velcroed very tight and came loose. Wonderful. So then I could tell my boy from the fact he was running around in just a diaper, shirt and socks. He looked mighty cute though :)

I'm doing the potty dance!

Because Lucas is on his way to training himself!

Yahoo!

He went twice by himself yesterday...that means I didn't even SUGGEST that he go potty. He wanted to and he did.

Tonight at dinner he told: "I'm pooping momma. I go potty."

Me: "Are you going right now?"

L: "NO! I go potty"

So off we trot to the bathroom. Buttwipes in tow because I just KNOW that he already went. But he didn't! He sat down and it took us a long long time but he did #1 and #2 and then asked to not have his diaper put back on and was dry till bathtime. That was about 1 1/2 hours or so.

Yay! I'm not pushing...but I'll be VERY happy when he's done with diapers.

Do you remember where you were?

On this day, just 5 years ago?

I do.

I was in the store where my husband worked picking out our wedding flowers. Yep. What a joyous occasion to be associating with the most tragic thing (I think) to have happened in my lifetime.

I remember when someone came into the breakroom and said a plane hit the first Twin Tower. We were all like "how the heck did someone hit the tower?"

Then, the second plane hit. We found a t.v. And sat huddled around a little t.v. wondering what the heck was happening to our world as we knew it.

Flowers no longer really mattered in the grand scheme of things.

I went to work a little bit later and we sat huddled around the radio there. Listening, worrying. My regional director's boyfriend was in the air at the time headed to the east coast. We hadn't heard anything from him or about him.

We were only blocks from the Michigan capital building.

After a few hours, it was VERY clear that we were going to be slow that day...and considering our location the CEO of the company sent us home, just in case.

I went home and glued myself to the t.v. Crying. Watching all of those fire fighters risking their lives and dying.

I felt personally attacked. I felt personally scared. I have a family full of fire fighters. All in Michigan, but I know how scary it is to watch them go into dangerous situations. I kept thinking about those men and women's families. Their children. I still cry thinking about it or seeing footage from that day.

Chuck and I both said that we didn't want to bring children into this world.


2 days later we found out we were pregnant with our first son, Zachary. Chuck and I cried. How could we think of bringing a child into this world of craziness and hate and unexpected? (Let alone the fact we weren't ready and not married).

Now, 5 years later, I look back and am so grateful for my son. And grateful for all those emergency responders that risk their lives to save ours.

What's up with my dreams?

Last night I had a dream that startled me so bad it literally woke me up...in a cold sweat. But that's just because I HATE rats/mice. With. a. passion.

It all started out very nice. I was having dinner with some friends from college whom I haven't seen since my freshman year. (IRL, one of these friends just recently contacted me via myspace!)

We were at an Applebee's and it was right on a nice clear pretty lake. We finished up and were leaving when in the foyer to the Applebees were three HUGE rats that were mutilated and only the heads were lying there with BIG teeth in hissing positions. I screamed...that's when I woke up.

I wonder what that all means! I've checked out some online dream dictionaries but none of it is making sense when you put it all together.

I guess just chalk it up to weirdness.

Yowch and Aaaaahhhh!

How can you be in pain and loving it?

When you get a rug burn on your nipple during sex. Yep, you heard me right.

On the nipple.

It hurts like hell (well, actually today it's slightly better than it was yesterday).

It's the curse of the big boobs and not having my own bed to sleep (or have sex) in!!!

But damn it was good. I love my hubby.